This is the first day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
This is the first day
5
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:32am

Well,
If you are even reading this...thank you. I'll tell you my story. Last year I moved into a house with three guys. Maybe a bad idea, because I thought that one of those guys was one of the hottest guys I have ever seen. Sure enough, one night after a crazy game of poker and plenty of drinks...we hooked up. For the next five months that we lived together we hooked up on a regular basis. But we also became friends. He introduced me to all of his friends and I became a part of his world. At first they didn't realize that we had something going...but after a while the figured it out but it was pretty unspoken. We were spending more and more time together, but not really dating or in a relationship.

Then we moved out. I assumed without the convienence, that we would stop hanging out or hooking up as much. This was not the case. Since I had become such good friends with his friends, I was always around and we always ended up together. We started spending time alone together--going swimming, going to dinner, watching movies, all that good stuff.

The problem is, that he told me he didn't want a relationship. But then one night he told me he loved me. When I talked to him about it, he stated again that he didn't want a relationship because he wasn't ready. We agreed to be "just friends". That lasted until he heard that I went on a date with another guy, and then he came back. It started again. We spent even MORE time together. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys, he tells me that he is afraid that I will break his heart, that I am the best he has ever had. (physically) We are spending so much time together, that after a few more months, I ask what the deal with us is. He says again that he doesn't want a relationship. At this point I have fallen for him and tell him that I want him in my life and I want him to be my friend, but he can't put me in that position again where he comes back to me if he doesn't really want me.

So...two weeks later...he comes back. This was in September. From September until this weekend he has told me that he loves me again. He took me to his house for thanksgiving. He bought me jewlery for my birthday. He bought me a nice gift for Christmas. His friends started calling me his girlfriend to each other. We spent a lot of time together. I mean a LOT of time.

Then after I had a huge fight with him while drunk--it was guy's night out, but my roommate and I ended up where they were at the end of the night because her boyfriend is in this group of friends and called us and asked us to come--and I assumed that it was o.k. with everyone since it was the end of the evening. When we sobered up we talked about it and I was just wanted to know what the deal is. HE had never called me his girlfriend, but was dropping "I love you" and I was confused. He said that he feels like I have taken over his life in the past year. That he doesn't have any friends that I am not friends with now. That he doesn't like where this is going--towards a relationship--because he doesn't want a relationship. I asked him if he meant it when he said "I love you" and he said that he knows that he loves me but he doesn't know if he is in love with me. And, since I want a relationship and he doesn't, that we can't spend any time together anymore.

I am so sad. I really did love him. It wasn't like I was a fool and imagined all of those little things. He would notice the smallest things about me, like words that I always say when I am mad, a certain face I make when I am thinking, and the fact that I always stand like a ballerina--in third position. How do you notice things like that about someone unless you are in love with them? And all of his friends thought it too, just by the way he acted around me. He was in a relationship and was REALLY hurt by it, and that is probabally one of the reasons that he doesn't want to get involved. But I can't help thinking that there is just something wrong with me. Like I am not enough. Or that I could have done something different somewhere and had it work out differently.

He doesn't want me to be around his friends. He said that I have other friends, but these are his only friends and it isn't fair to him that I have taken over his life. They call ME and ask ME to do things. I never knew he was resenting the fact that I was always there because he never TOLD me.

It has been one day. Please tell me that this gets better. Right now all I want is for him to realize that he does want to be with me. I am hoping that if I stay away long enough that he will realize what we had and want it back. I know that is unhealthy, but I can't help it.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep busy. Any input/advise/conversations would be welcomed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 10:48am

Hi,

It's okay to feel all that you are feeling. I too am going through a break up where I love my ex and he has told me over the last 2 years that he loves me dearly...but..

It's the "but" that kills me as I am sure it kills you...If he truly loves you, there would be no "but". And if there is, then you just have to let it go. A person's psychology and fear is sometimes very hard to understand and almost impossible to change. It takes a long time. And in your case, it seems like that may not happen. You have given him every chance and if he is not even capable of calling you his girlfriend, then my guess (and not a professional one of course) that his deeprooted fear/ideas/feelings toward relationships are very far from changing.

Yes, he may say that he loves you and you may believe it but is that enough for you? I truly believe my ex loves me incredibly, but I have also made a decision that I cannot just live on love, I need a commitment and I need him to want to be with me. He doesn't and that is NOT enough - it makes me insecure and paranoid.

"He was in a relationship and was REALLY hurt by it, and that is probabally one of the reasons that he doesn't want to get involved. But I can't help thinking that there is just something wrong with me. Like I am not enough. Or that I could have done something different somewhere and had it work out differently." Such thoughts show that you must also be feeling quite insecure. Honey, asking him for a relationship is not wrong at all - you deserve at least that.

As for his friends, I understand his perspective there. My boyfriend was from out of town and so all my friends became his friends. Now, I am finding it hard to be with them as they all know about our relationship. I feel like he somehow "stole" a part of my life. I know it is an irrational feeling, but it exists. Let his friends go, for a while at least. In fact, it will help YOU get over him.

And I promise, you will...you will be okay. I don't know when, but you most definitely WILL.

Keep posting, I will wait for it.

Hugs,
Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:15pm

Thank you for your help. I feel a little better today, but maybe because I have been trying to keep busy. It helps to be at work for 8+ hours each day!

I feel bad about the situation with his friends. I have decided to back off completely, even from them. I will miss hanging out with that group, but it isn't good for me. I will just keep hoping that we "accidently" run into each other and that he is overcome with feelings for me and suddenly morphs into everything I wish he would be.

The whole situation made me insecure. It turned my world upside down, and it was all highs and lows. When things were good between us, it was like nobody else in the world existed. When they were bad, they were horrible. It was like I was a drug addict and hooked on him as my drug. The hardest thing was I got used to seeing him every day since we lived together...even just as friends. So when we didn't live together anymore, I would honestly yearn to be near him, to get an e-mail, a phone call...anything. And no matter what he did...it was never enough for me. He never seemed to want to see me quite as much as I wanted to see him, and it drove me crazy.

The week we spent together right after Christmas was what I wanted. Both of us were on vacation and we spent the majority of the time together. It was HIM that wanted me, and couldn't get enough of me. It was what I was waiting for. Then we had a fight on New Year's (which I may not have mentioned in the original post) that involved me yelling and crying and basically being dramatic--things I NEVER do. Then after the argument ONE WEEK later, I got all crazy again. Maybe because he was pulling away more after he went back to work. Maybe because we were still undefined. Or maybe because the constant roller coaster of emotions finally caught up to me. Because things were SO good right before New Year's and I had TWO weekends in a row of crazy...I wonder if maybe he will be back eventually. Or maybe I really need to listen to what he is SAYING to me in words, and not pin my hopes on the way things could be. They have to be like that all the time, not just when he feels like "playing house". He may very well love me, but be unable or unwilling to invest himself in a relationship.

I don't know. I'm still so sad. I'm over-thinking everything. I'm trying not to drive my friends crazy. I have been going to the gym a lot. I miss him so much already, and I know this weekend will be the hardest part. But, I'm not crying right now. That is a start. Thanks for your response, movingon2006. Just hearing that I am not alone in feeling like this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2006
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:06am

Seems that the hardest thing to do after a breakup is making time for the time once spent with the other person who chose the way out. Not everyone finds their outlet the same but you are taking the right route in keeping your distance. One thing I understand about male behavior, they do not care for the overdramatic. They tune it out and so it's going to be a waste of time to even think about that. Find something you did in the past before you entered into the relationship (even if he doesn't acknowledge it, that is what it was).

One thing that has helped me is writing my thoughts down in a notebook journal. It doesn't have to be a long entry to be worthwhile. Some words that are hovering in your head are best put onto paper and then close the book. Writing will help soothe some feelings and help release some of the pain.

Time is something that will help make things clear but it won't be right away. Things are still raw, you need time to care for yourself. A saying I tell myself is that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It's not worth your time to wait for him to "come to his senses" cause he probably won't. I know this all too well. My ex is living his life without me and without a care of how what he did has made me feel now. I don't resent him but I do pity him. I won't carry anything harsher than that cause it's no longer in my hands.

You will see past all of this and find someone much more worthy of your attention and love. Love doesn't give up on us even if we give up on it. Faith is always there even we can't see it. You have family, old friends, your work, and yourself to keep busy. It may take awhile to sort through your feelings but I know that you will find what you need most at the exact moment you are to have it.

Patience, Love, Faith, and Spirit. No one, no guy, no girl, NOBODY can take these away from you.

Keep your chin up and walk forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:01am

Hi Jovencita,

You're very welcome. I know that we may not always give perfect advice to each other but just knowing someone is listening and sharing your pain really helps.

From what I can tell from your last post, I think you are doing just fine. It is okay to be sad...it's also okay to be over-thinking. That's all normal apparently. This is my first breakup but I am really learning from everyone here. You know, I do believe we are in similar situations with men who love us but cannot invest themselves for whatever reason.

And that's the saddest part of it all. If I truly believed that other parts of our relationship sucked as well, then I would have something to hang on to. But I don't. I do believe it was a gross lack of communication and if we just get past that, we could be okay again. But the problem is, that it's just not me that needs to believe it, he needs to too.

I too go through this thought "I wonder if maybe he will be back eventually. Or maybe I really need to listen to what he is SAYING to me in words, and not pin my hopes on the way things could be." I know that while everyone will say, don't think like that - it's not healthy, I also know that it's impossible to make yourself give up when you are not ready to.

In time, you will have no choice. But that's the problem, it will take lots of time. Don't worry if you have a bad week or a few bad months even. Eventually, I am told, that it wouldn't suck this bad. Just think what I think almost every moment...."this too shall pass."

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:11am
Oh god, this sucks. I went to a happy hour after work tonight, and although I met a guy who really is interested in going on a date with me...I miss my ex soooooo much. I can't just pick up and replace someone I was in love with. Why does it hurt so much today? I want to call him so badly, but don't worry I won't. The one thing I DO have right now is my pride, and I refuse to call him first. I won't do it. But I am so sad, and I miss him so very much. I want to go to his house and curl up next to him and pretend that this whole break-up never happened. But, I can't do that, because obviously it DID or I wouldn't be on this board. I am at the stage where I still want him back. When does this stage end? I can't stand it, and it isn't like there are no other guys out there. It is just that no other guys are HIM. No other guys know me and can predict my words or behavior like him. Nobdody can kiss me like he does. God, I hate break ups. I will not call him, but that doesn't stop me from missing him so much it feels like I am breaking in a million pieces and just wishing that he was near me. Grrrrr.