The first day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
The first day...
1
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:32pm

How do you deal after the big sad day. I want to sit in my room, get some blankets and cry. but i have finals and no support...

My friend and i have been dating for the past 5 years, we are both from the same area, but we moved here for college, so its been young love but very serious. I did expect marriage, i told him i knew we were young, but i was ready for that and i would wait until he was ready because of our age. So, in comes the new female friend, who falls in love with him after a month. and he says he wants me, but he can't not be with her. But to have both of us isn't fair to me.

I told him we can't be friends.
He cried and he never cries, he never shows emotion (i went to his grandfather's funeral and there was nothing), and i wasn't there because it was over the phone that we were talking.

I regret telling him we can't be friends. I want to be his friend, i want to be there to help him through our break up. Yeah, its sad because who will get me through it? So, i'm tottering. I'm trying not call him, i'm trying not to do what my gut says and go to him to comfort him, because that's what i've always done. I give my heart away. And i'm smart, i know that this is bad. But i dont know how to stay in my room. do my work. finish this semester and come back next semester, to force myself to not see him because our schools are so close. I dont have many female friends. I left them for college, he doesn't have many other friends either. We;ve been eachothers support system for our needs, even our relationship needs, we kind of put on different hats and we have always been able to talk rationally about our feelings.

I want to fight for him. I dont want to let him go so easily. And he's fighting to keep me as his friend and i want to be his friend, but i know its not healthy for me. sorry for the long post, but how do i get through the first couple of days. how do i start not being anything to him, and being myself again?

thanks,
-j

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anonymous user
In reply to: jrfem
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:45pm

Hi hun,

I am so sorry for the loss of your relationship. It's a very hard thing to go through, and this time of year makes it all the worse. I would like to tell you to just put your nose in your books and study study study. But I know how hard it is to concentrate right now. I will share some of my experience though. I totally bombed one of my semesters at school because of a break up....that happened a while ago. And I kick myself for it. But at the same time, I know that I couldn't have done the work. And right now, I'm doing my Masters, and I let so many things slide because of my most recent break up. Actually, I've only ever had those two break ups, and they just seemed to happen at bad times, ya know? Of course, there's never a good time.

You said that you wanted to help him through this. You can't. Plain and simple. I wanted my ex to be there for me, to help me through this, and he wanted to, but it's so counterproductive. Don't contact him. Let him go. He's interested in another girl. Oh, that's a hard one too. I've always been one to put others first, and this is the first time that I've started to put me first. And it's a very hard thing to do sometimes. But you can't get in touch with him. It's only been a day. You have a long road ahead of you. When my ex dumped me, I had very few friends to rely on. But as times passes, I find myself making friends. You just have to let yourself get out there. Force yourself soemtimes.

It's a horrible thing that you are going through. I send many hugs your way. know that you are never alone, even though it may feel like it sometimes.

hugs,
Karen