First ever broken heart, please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
First ever broken heart, please help!
5
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:48am

Hi, my name's Emma and I'm 19 years old, but please don't write me off for being young or inexperienced, because I really need help, and people saying to me "you're so young, you'll meet someone else" just doesn't help me at the moment. I feel completely hopeless.

Ok, 2 months ago my boyfriend of 4 months dumped me, and I was completely unprepared, and it feels like my world has collapsed. He was my first proper boyfriend, and I lost my virginity to him, which I don't regret because at the time I was in a happy relationship and 100% in love with him, but obviously I trusted him so so much, and as a naturally insecure person it takes me a lot to be able to open up and be that vulnerable with someone. For 2 months we had an amazing relationship, my fella was so sweet and romantic, and everyone said that we were perfect together- we had so much in common. We hooked up on Christmas Eve, and everything seemed to happen really fast- I'd met him briefly 2 days before at a staff party, literally only said 5 words to him, but the next day my collegue who shared a flat with him said he'd not stopped talking about me all evening. I thought he was really nice, so at the Christmas eve party we got chatting, were both quite drunk and ended up kissing. We were pretty much a couple from then on, so it all came together really suddenly. At the start, I was anxious about getting involved with him because I'd never had a boyfriend before, and he was really intense and things seemed to be moving really fast, but he was kind and romantic, and we got on so well that I gradually came to trust him. I didn't even sleep with him until 7 weeks into the relationship because I wanted to be sure that I was in love with him - losing my virginity was a big deal to me and he never tried to force me, he was always patient. I'd never done more than kiss a boy before, so this was a huge deal to me. Being with him helped my insecurity so much- having someone adore me so much made me feel so worthwhile about myself. For these first 2 and a bit months or so he text me everyday between shifts just to say he missed me or was thinking about me, he sent me flowers when I was ill, and basically couldn't go a day without seeing me. We used to stay over at each other's every night. I need to explain that we both work in entertainments for Butlins holiday resort, so at the time we both lived in seperate flats in team accomodation on site, so although we had completely opposite hours (I'm a kids entertainer and work during the day, he's a musician in the house band and works nights) everytime either of us had a break, we could easily meet up. I let myself fall for him really hard, and what was tough was that for up to 2 weeks at a time in January, February and March, my show team would have to go on training courses to learn new shows- this happened 3 times in our first 3 months and was a real wrench because I'd be with him for 2 weeks, away for 2, with him for 2, away for 2 and so on. I missed him like crazy, and he used to phone me really upset every single day because he missed me. He even sent me parcels and letters while I was away- I couldn't believe what a sweet, loving boyfriend I had. When I got back in March, I was looking forward to us having the whole of main season together (April-November)when I'd have no more training away. He was so happy to see me when I got back, but I'd been ill in bed for the last few days of my training, so felt weak and tired and sick, and didn't want to kiss or have sex because I felt really low and just not attractive. Anyway, he got in a major sulk saying that I wasn't excited to see him. I was inside! I just couldn't physically bounce around, and I was falling asleep by half 9 at night which frustrated him because he'd come off work at 11, and instead of going for a drink with him, I'd be in bed. We even tried staying in to watch dvds and I'd fall asleep. We got past this, and for a couple of weeks things were great.

By now he'd got a flat off site, which made things harder to meet up during the day, but he still wanted to see me. But then I started to notice things changing. I no longer was getting the sweet messages during the day, he didn't come watch my shows anymore, and i noticed that unless i said it first, he wouldn't say "I love you". Maybe I was in denial, but I put this down to stress because his best friend who he lived with was planning to leave in a few weeks to work on a cruise ship, and one of his close friends in the band were leaving too and he was devastated. Looking back I can see him backing off, but at the time I was so in love, I never thought his feelings could be changing. I asked him why he never text me anymore, and he said he just didn't feel the need to anymore- like he wasn't thinking about me during the day. He kept making excuses not to stay over as well, and because i don't drive it made things difficult to stay at his because he'd have to drive me back on site in the morning for work which he resented because he'd had a late night the night before and wasn't in work til 8 most nights. Things became awkward between us- he'd come round mine, but he'd just lie on the bed or sofa and stare at the wall, and if i asked what was wrong or what he was thinking he'd say nothing, or say he was worried about his friends leaving, which I believed, but when he left I used to cry because things were so horrible between us. It started to bring out all my old insecurity too- when we first got together I never found myself worrying about making interesting conversation, we had so much in common, but now I found there being huge silences, and I'd be sat thinking "say something clever! be funny!" and it was like nothing I said was good enough- I started to feel like a kicked dog cringing around him, constantly on eggshells. His black moods and sulleness really made me feel desperate and so I'd over compensate, being chatty and irritating him, or else sinking into being down myself, and when he asked what was wrong, I couldn't tell him and he'd get angry with me. I knew things were going wrong between us, but I didn't understand why, and I didn't know how to confront him. I guess I thought if I made him angry or had a go at him about being distant he'd finish things. tHe thing is, he used to always apologise and say he was such a rubbish boyfriend and that i didn't deserve him, but I'd always reassure him that I loved him and I understood that he was worried and stressed about his friends leaving and things changing at work.

The real major issue came at the 3 month mark. I hadn't stayed over at his for a few days, and we used to always jokingly mark our month anniversaries. I'd been away training for the last 2, so I asked if I could stay at his, or if he'd like to stay at mine, because it'd be nice to actually wake up together on a 24th for once! He begrudgingly agreed to take me back to his, and at first things were ok. We sat drinking with his best mate back at the flat while the 2 lads played computer games, chatting and having a laugh, then me and him went to bed, made love, and i was happy. Then when we were cuddling afterwards, he asked if I ever worried about the relationship. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach, and said no, I thought we were going through a rough patch but that I loved him and i hoped we'd work through it. He replied that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore, not that he wanted to go and sleep around, but that he felt trapped and always felt obliged to stay over and see me every night. This made me really angry because he had never once asked if he could go see his friends, he was the one that used to ask me to see him everyday, and if didn't text him by 10pm when away by training, he'd send sad or sulky messages asking what I was up to. I burst into tears, thinking he was breaking up with me, and he said that the age gap was an issue too. I'm 19, and while he's only 21 he has a 30 year old brother and most of his friends are 25 and over, s he's used to an older, more mature crowd. We stayed up til 7 am talking, and he reassured me that he still loved me, and that he thought I was beautiful, but I was distraught and cried all the enxt day at work, my head all over the place.

The next 3 weeks until he broke up with me were awful- I couldn't relax around him anymore because my insecurity came up big time and I was nervous and jumpy around him- couldn't make conversation with him or relax because I was trying so hard not to come across as needy or immature. When I got 5 days off to go to France with my parents, I wanted to go, but I was so scared that I'd come back to nothing (we were still together then), but he reassured me that it'd be good for us, and we just needed some space. So I went away, missed him like hell and couldn't wait to get back and see him, convinced that he'd have missed me like mad and would realise what he'd almost lost. The day before I left was my day off, I had to pester him to meet up because I knew he wouldn't arrange to see me otherwise. When I went away for my last training in March, he'd asked to stay over, even though this meant getting up at 6.45, just so he could see me go. And he arranged a whole day of shopping and cinema together the day before i left. This time I don't think he'd have even come round to say goodbye if I hadn't arranged something. We had a day shopping, but the car journey there was so awkward with big silences. He held my hand and dropped kisses on the top of my head, but it wasn't the same. Infact he asked to go home after only 3 hours or so because we'd run out of chores, but he didn't want to just wander around with me despite this being my last day before I go away for a week. Over lunch I asked what was going wrong, and whether he still loved me. He said "Of course I love you, I think you're amazing!" so I said "what's the problem then?" and he just said he didn't know why, but his feelings were changing. Looking back now, I can see him backing off, which I guess was him falling out of love with me, but at the time I was so in love, so desperately trying to hold things together, that I was in denial.

I went home, and while I was in England for 2 days before heading off, he called me 5 times a day saying how much he missed me. I was so happy, I thought that we'd have time apart and he'd realise what a big mistake he was making. When I got back from France, I called him from the Eurostar and he sounded so excted to hear from me and told me how much he'd missed me and loved me. I was at home for 2 days, and suddenly when I phoned him at night he sounded distant and broke phone calls off after only 10 minutes or so, or else he wouldn't call me when he said he would. 2 days later, back in Skegness, I asked him if he could meet me at the station and go to his for a cup of tea (he lives 5 mins from the station in town) and at first he made excuses saying he'd been teaching all day and would be too tired, but I managed to persuade him to come see me. I started to panic, thinking "oh my god i'm back and he doesn't even care"- when I came back from training last, he'd insisted that I call him the minute I got back on site so that he could drive on and see me- now he couldn't care less. When he met me at the station there was no hug or kiss, he just took my case and put it in the car before driving me back to his. even there i managed to get a couple of kisses out of him, but they were just pecks. He drove me back to my flat on site, and lay on the bed just toying with my hair. He didn't even try to kiss me, and when I kissed him he didn't kiss back properly. He insisted that he was tired form working all day, made his excuses and left. I looked at the clock- he'd been at mine for 6 minutes. I just thought "oh my god he hasn't even missed me- he couldn't care less that I'm back!" and I'd missed him sos so much the whole time!

The next day was my day off- I'd deliberatly come back early to spend the day with him, but he kept making excuses for chores he had to do, and so he couldn't come on site to see me. I offered to get a taxi to his flat, but he refused, saying it was too expensive and he'd try and see me tomorrow instead. I insisted, and it turned into a big argument. I just didn't get that he was avoiding me. Eventually he said "ok, I'll be over about 6, (I'd already sat around all day) and we'll go for a walk". When he got to mine, he sat on the bed and I went to kiss him but he dodged it and was acting really starnge, he kept doing this nervous laugh. Finally he said "we need to have a chat". I knew then it was over and panicked, bursting into tears. It was horrible- for the next 2 hours we both cried our eyes out, hugging, talking, he said he was as heartbroken as me but that his feelings had changed and he didn't want to string me along anymore, and he just felt trapped. Then he left, saying that he would leave things in my hands, that if I wanted to see him I could, but that if I didn't he'd understand. That we could still meet up as friends if I wanted. I think that I was so afraid of not seeing him anymore that I convinced myself that I could just be friends with him, just so I didn't lose him. It's odd, looking back now I can see him backing off, I shouldve expected things to end, but it came as such a shock to me. I knew things weren't right between us, but I always assumed we'd work through the rough patch. I never dreamt he'd end it, because I loved him, and not that long ago he'd loved me.

2 days after breaking up we met up for lunch (i asked), and things were normalish- we chatted as normal, had a laugh, just didn't hold hands when we walked together or kiss goodbye. When I had to go to work he kissed me on the forehead and said how much he'd missed me. He said never say never, and maybe in a couple of weeks he'd realise he'd made a mistake. Probably not the kindest thing for me, because for the next 2 weeks I held on to the belief that he'd come back, rather than try to move on, and I text him about 3 times a week asking to meet up, I missed him so much. I know you all recommend the NC approach, but it never entered my head. The funny thing is, I think I was in shock. I hardly cried, went to work as normal, went out with my friends, I think I was in denial and thought he'd come round and say he'd made a mistake. His friends told me "he thinks you're great, he adores you, he just doesn't want a relationship right now". This used to really hurt. After the 2 weeks we met up for coffee, and i asked him if he thought we'd get back together. he immediately got embarrassed and said that now he felt really awkward. he said to be honest he hadn't even considered the idea, which broke my heart because I'd just assumed we were on a break and he'd realise his mistake. one day I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I'd asked to meet up, and he wasn't texting back. I text him loads, tried to call him about 4 times (he wasn't answering his phone) and left voice messages, begging to meet up. I cringe looking back now! He finally got back to me saying the reason we'd broken up was because he needed space, and that that still applied now we weren't together. I panicked, thinking I'd blown things, but he said we could still be friends so long as i calmed down, backked off and gave him some space. for 3 weeks i didn't ask to meet up, but he never text me. we occasionally chatted on msn, but i'd be the one pushing the conversation, asking questions just to get a reply. It was clear that he didn't even think about me anymore- all my friends and family said i had to break off all contact with him, but i didn't want to lose him, couldn't bear the fact that I'd lost such a brilliant partner, because in the beginning we were so well suited- because we didn't sleep together for 7 weeks, our relationship was originally built on a really strong frindship, and I was devastated to think that was gone. I lost about a stone in weight from not eating, I couldn't sleep for more that 4 hours per night, and then I'd dream about him- either that we'd got back together (which hurt so much when I woke up and realised it was only a dream), or else I'd dream about the break up. Either way I'd wake up having anxiety attacks where I couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding. I'd cry as soon as I woke up, in the shower, every minute that I wasn't onstage at work, and I used to panic when I finished at half 9 to go home to my now empty room, instead of going to watch his gigs and meet him afterwards. It hurt so much to think that he'd moved on so easily and I was still 100% in love with him. i couldn't understand how his feelings could change so much in only 3 or 4 weeks. Was it that he missed me when I was away in training, but when I got back he resented having to make the effort to see me? Suerly if he loved me he'd want to stay over every night, want to see me everyday, like he did in the first 2 months. How can you just suddenly not love someone? My insecurity came out big time and i tore myself to shreds analysing everything I'd done or said or not done or not said over the last 2 months to see where I'd gone wrong, why I suddenly wasn't enough, wasn't GOOD enough for him anymore. I still wonder that now sometimes. I can't understand how he could be so so in love with me, reassuring me that I never had to worry about us because it meant that much to him, to him not wanting to see me anymore.

2 months on and I'm a little stronger. I no longer cry everyday but I still have down days. I sleep through the night and eat now, but I still dream about him, and miss him so much. The thing i, now we're not together, he no longer comes on site during the day (he only did to see me) and his night shifts are after i finish, so we hardly see each other, ehich helps. But I do occassionally bump into him if I go watch a late show in one of the venues, because he goes to watch them too every now and again, and if I go clubbing with my friends in town he's usually out, but we don't speak. It's hideous if i do try to speak to him, conversations only lasta bout 2 minutes before an awkward silence and one of making an excuse to go back to out friends, and it's always me instigating it. I do so well from day to day not thinking about him, but then when i do see him i know i'm still in love with him- i see him out with his friends, and his smile, his laugh, i still get the same butterflies. I beat myself up mentally becaus i know it's over, i know he doesn't love me, so why can't i let go? I crave seeing him and miss him so much, but everytime i do it's an emotional setback and i go home and cry. I can't help worrying about him too- he had to go to the dentist the other day (he told me on a night out) which is his phobia, and i worried about him for a few days before he had to go. And his mum's ill and i wish i could be there for him. i know i shouldn't care about him ,like that anymore, but I love him, I wish I could give him a big hug.
And he's just started looking at other girls which devastates me. While he still doesn't want a relationship (his best friend's gone now and he's loving the 'single lad in his own flat' life), he's started flirting with and kissing this girl from work on every night out. Without wanting to sound like a bitch, she's only been here a month, but she's already got herself a reputation from sleeping around, and she already has a boyfriend who's at home. It drives me crazy to think of them together because that's not his style, and I hate to see him with other girls regardless. It ruins every night out because i see them together (Skegness is very small, there's only so many bars to go to so I invariably bump into them) and end up leaving in tears.

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, I've got so far in the last 2 months but I still can't let go and move on! It's like I get through one phase, only to find another thing to cause me pain. When does this end? I do so well from day to day, but everytime I see him it's like "oh god, I'm so not over you!" Reading this back I can see the relationship falling apart, which I couldn't at the time, and I know there's nothing I could've done to keep him in the relationship, so why do I still have these feelings? I know deep down we won't get back together, no matter how much i want it, but why do I still daydream about it, and miss him so much? I've never had to cope with this before, and I still want him back so much even though I know there's no way. Everyone keeps saying to me enjoy being single, you can do so many things now, go out when you want etc, but i never wanted that, he was the one feeling trapped, i never wanted that freedom. now it all feels so lonely. I have 4 hour breaks between shifts and no one to meet up with- all my friends are in relationships of about 6 months- a year and a half, and they all go home to their other halves, and all have sweet text messages and stuff to read between shifts, or loving stories to swap, and i miss all that so much!
Sorry for writing such an essay, you have no idea how cathartic this has been! Thanks so much for all your advice on here, reading some of the discussions has helped me so much and made me realise I'm not alone in this, even though it feels like it sometimes.
Emma x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:53pm
Every broken heart hurts, whether it is your first or 15th. I'm sorry that you landed here, but you are among your own kind, heart broken folks who are just trying to move on.
NC seems to work the best. Don't call, don't email, don't text...nothing. Give yourself
30 days and hang out with us!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 1:00pm
A whole month with NC?? That's gonna be so tough. I miss him so much when i don't see him, but when i bump into him at work it's horrible because things are so awkward between us and it just feels like a let down. It's like I can't win either way! And i guess I'm just desperately clinging on, because i worry that if i don't instigate contact, he won't either, and I'm so scared of losing him from my life completely. I'd rather just be friends with him, or just see him every now and again than never see him again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:02pm

Hi Emma and welcome to the board,


Your relationship pretty much went like clock-work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 1:51am

I'm really sorry that you're going through that. But you're at the right place. And I just wanted to recommend a book called "It's called a Break up because it's Broken." It's a witty and humorous book that really helped me through my break up. In there, it'll high light the "NC", and believe me, it's one of the hardest things you'll go through, but it will be well worth it in the end. =)

--co5mo girl xoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 5:58am
Hey,
thanks for all your advice guys, I'm feeling pretty blue today. It's 2 months today since me and my ex broke up, and I miss him so much. I saw him out in one of the bars on site last night- we were both out with our own friend groups, and we sort of nodded "Hi" to each other, but then he stood at the bar with the lads and didn't even look my way for the rest of the evening. It hurts so much, I can't believe how much I miss him and how my feelings for him still haven't changed. It's been 2 months- when does it stop? I wish there was some switch that I could just turn all my feelings off. If there's no way we can be back together, then I don't want these feelings anymore! It's like my head knows it's over and is moving on, but I can't seem to convince my heart. I don't want to be in love with him anymore! And the other day I looked in my diary and found a big fat scribble of crossings out which would of been our 6 months anniversary (back when he couldn't get enough of me, my ex circled all the 24ths of each month, saying we'd be together by this point and would make plans). It's really depressing to keep seeing that (I scribbled it out when we broke up)as it's oly 2 weeks away, just seeing it and remembering all these plans we had that wont happen has really rocked me and I feel pretty down.
xxx