first heartbreak. strict asian family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
first heartbreak. strict asian family.
2
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 6:36am

i have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and i believe i love him. I haven't been in love before so i don't know. But what i know is i feel like my heart has been torn out. We are currently "on a break." i suggested this because as we were arguing on the phone, i got very emotional and told him I wanted it.

we are in trouble because he doesn't understand that my asian parents are old-fashioned and strict when it comes to dating. they don't even want me to date him, yet i've defied my parents and established autonomy. but that is not enough. he want to be loved and accepted and completely welcomed at my house. i just don't think that will happen for a long time.

to make matters more frustrating, when we argue, we goes silent. it's like talking to a wall. so communication is very bad too.

i can totally understand his point of view, however, he needs to understand that the situation is out of my hands. also, my parents don't prevent me from seeing him, just not at my house, or in his house (where they are afraid he will take advantage of me- which is old-fashioned, but an understandable worry).

i don't know what to do now. i did initiate the "break" and now miss him. i don't know if i should call him or wait a few days. we really had a great bond, laughing at the same things, thinking alike....i know i love him, but i should hold on to my sense of self and self-esteem? i don't think i should have to appease him.

Please help me with advice! Please! i am fairly new to this all. all i know is i can't sleep. What should i do?

Thank you so much!




Edited 12/21/2006 6:46 am ET by confusedandveryhurt
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:17pm

I think a break right now is a good idea, you need to get your head straight on a few things, maybe negotiate with your parents a bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:14pm

Hi,

I understand your situation because my family is also very strict. I recently dated a guy who was Indian (I'm Chinese). We decided to ignore this problem with our parents and their rules about dating. I was with him for two and a half years before we broke up last week. I regret not facing the problems with out parents sooner. In the end we broke up because his parents absolutely refuse to let him be with someone who was not from his culture (they just found out we were dating about a month ago). Instead of standing his ground and choosing me and defending me, he chose his parents and in the end I was face with a lot of heartache and crying (it has been a week since my breakup and I still cry when I think about him).

You have been honest and upfront to your parents about the relationship from the beginning. I think you are very brave to have stood your ground and continue dating this guy even though your parents did not approve. I believe you should talk to him and help him understand that standing your ground with your parents was a big step for you and it was your way of showing how much you want the relationship. Speak to him about your culture and your values and your parents values. If he does not understand what you did for him and how hard you are working to be with him then maybe he's not the one for you.

Also, you should talk to your parents about this guy. I think that they believe that you are just going through a phase and that is why they don't want this guy around the house. They don't want you to get any closer to his family and they don't want him to get any closer to yours.

It is going to be hard but it's better to do it now and get it over with then argue about this problem for another year and then breakup about it.