First Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2010
First Love
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 11:29pm

I need some serious advice. I am so hurt right now and it does not help its around the holidays. My boyfriend (of only one month) just broke up with me. He was dating a girl for 3 and a half years before me, and although he didnt rush into anything with me before making it official, he still feels as if he loves her. I knew from the get-go he still loved her cuz that was a long relationship to get over and wasnt his feelings weren't going to change in less than a month. However, he told me he was moving on and throughout our relationship it seemed as if he was. He constantly told me he was happy and wanted to spend each day with me. We had a perfect [no arguements, no problems] relationship. However, when he broke up with me he said it was because he needed time to think because he was confused [and i believe he is because I can see it in his eyes]. On one hand, he loves what we have and wants to be with me and loves me, but on the other hand, he still loves his ex and feels as if she deserves another chance because they had so much history. My thing is I fully understand why he is confused and needs time. The selfish side of me thinks: they were so on and off during 2 out of the 3 years. Why keep going back to that if its obviously not working. But I cant say anything because I can only imagine how much it hurts losing somebody of 3 years. Again, I think to myself: why fix something thats not broken? I understand they have history and love, and he feels as if she deserves another chance, but shouldn't i be given a chance seeing how we had something that even he called perfect. I feel as if she came between us because she would call him everyday and leave voicemails telling him she loved him, and would pop up at his house randomly. Thats not making it any easier for him to move on if those feelings are still being brought up. I know one month together is not long, but we were friends in high school, I've always had a crush on him, and we were together each day of that month. He's been the most honest and caring man I have ever met and its hard to let him go. He is telling me that he just needs to know that him and her cant work before he gets more involved with me and i respect his honesty. A part of me wants to move on but the other part doesnt. I'm not going to sit down and wait for him, but would it be wrong to get back with him if things do not work out with his ex and im not with somebody? I have so many mixed emotions right now and cant think straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 9:19am

Can I ask how old you are? I know you were friends with this guy in high school but I don't think "I love you" is appropriate to say to someone you've only been with for a month or less.

You only dated for one month, you decided you were in "love" right off the bat, you knew going in that he was still hung up on his ex (can you "love" someone new if you are still in love with an ex?)... I think you set yourself up for disappointment by entering into this relationship knowing that he wasn't really emotionally available to you.

I also think you care too much about what he thinks and feels.

Would it be wrong to get back with him if things don't work out with his ex? That depends, do you enjoy feeling like second best?

I think it's good he broke up with you BEFORE the holidays so that you can spend this time with family and friends who actually do love you, because he definitely doesn't.