First Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
First Love
8
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:44pm
I'm 20 yrs. old and just dumped my 23 year old first love and the guy who I gave up my virginity to. I thought this was the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and the first one I ever told that I love. I am very confused as to what he did and why he did it so I guess I'm looking for some explanation. He constantly told me that he loved me and that he had never met anyone like me and I was exactly what he had been looking for...the marriage type material. I did everything I possibly could to make him happy and help him out and he would ask me, why was I so good to him. First I let him borrow my credit card to buy something for his car, which was about $900.00, then he used the same card to pay off his delinquent $400.00 phone bill. I let him keep the card so he could make the payments on it. Then he wanted a cell phone and since he has no credit, I went ahead and got it for him. Much to my surprise I got a phone call from my credit card company saying there were some unusual charges. I called him and asked him what the hell he had used my credit card for and he responded that he had let one of his workers borrow it and my stupid self beleieved it. To make matters worse, I got the phone bill and found out that he had been talking to about 3 other girls and he had a whole crapload of 1-800 numbers, they were all phone sex lines! He had the nerve to use my credit card to have phone sex (he lied about letting a worker borrow it), did he not think I was going to find out. Now he's telling me all those other girls were just friends and that he know's he's lower than a piece of crap, and etc., etc., That he loves me, blah, blah, blah. HELP ME, I love this idiot so much and am afraid of never falling in love like this. This is the worst emotional torture I have ever experienced in my life and need some guidance. What should I do?????
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: coronam02
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:24am
I really feel for you and I'm sorry no one responded to your post yesterday. I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain. It sounds to me that you really need to step back and take some time away from this relationship, at the very least. You're both very young, and sometimes young people do stupid things. I don't mean to condone his behavior. I'm just saying that if you both want to remain in the relationship that it may be possible to do so if you both want to and seek counseling to help you work through what led him to do what he did.

You're young. I remember my first love who broke my heart and left me devastated at 20. I thought then I'd never ever love anyone the way I loved him, ever again. To some extent that's true. There is no love like the first love. However, I did go on to love several more man (too many probably!) after him and I loved a couple of men more than I could ever have loved him the way I did when I was 18-20.

Your relationship may be worth saving, but it will require a lot of work on both your parts. First things first, cancel your credit card so he can't use it anymore. Take some time for yourself to figure out what you want. Don't remain involved with him for a while. Consider counseling.

We're here for you and most of us stood in the same field you're standing now, devastated when the first love comes tumbling apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:37pm
OK first adn foremost... cancel that card immediately! Then find out how he will make payments to repay the debt he rang up. If he does not make them YOU MUST... do not be late on your payments or miss any... it can destroy your credit... prevent you from getting auto loans and home loans down the road when you are ready.

Next, step away from him and write a list of what things are good about him, then what things are BAD about him... you need to acknowledge the bad and really look at it. Are these the type of behaviors that you imagine are part of a loving relationship? This is what I did with my stb-x husband! Took a lot of soul searching to realize I was hanging on to what used to be and what may have been, not what WAS! It's very hard to let go of the dream... not so hard to let go of the reality. Look at the reality he IS and decide if that is enough for you? Are you willing to settle for a guy who calls porn lines? A guy who is calling other women? How long will it be before the temptation is too great adn he cheats? Is it enough for you to be involved with a cheater?

These are tough questions, but remember that you deserve much more than a man who lies and cheats... don't settle. There are other men out there and you deserve to continue looking for one who will treat you respectfully!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:44pm
dearest coronam02, I'm so sorry, so sorry you're going through this, because it must feel like ending things with him is impossible. It must feel like you will never love again. But I'm 10 years older than you, and went through a break up with my first love too. And I was with him for 7 years! I thought I would never love that way again. Counseling helps. My therapist helped me realize that I was strong enough to leave (I was 24 at the time, not much older than you are now), and it took guts ....I cried so much and I felt like I was going to die. But I didn't. I lived. And I lived to meet men who loved me so much and treated me so well! And the best part is that I lived to meet men who I LOVED SO MUCH MORE AND WHO DESERVED MY LOVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT BASTARD! I swear to you, I cannot emphasize this enough: You will love again. You will be ok. It feels especially bad right now, because he's the first one. But take it from me, you are worth a man who doesn't need to borrow your credit card to fabricate more lies and burden you with debt. You deserve a man that is not going to cheat on you, you deserve a man that will treat you well. It's easier said than done. I know. It's easy for me to say "you should leave him", "he sucks", but I'm not in your shoes. I know how it feels. But try counseling. It helped me a ton. But stick to it. It helped me realize that I deserved better. And it helped me realize that I COULD GET SOMEONE BETTER to share my life with. Cancel the credit card because chances are he's not gonna pay you back very quickly (if at all). Don't lend him your credit card anymore (to anyone. Ever!!!). And remember that you're beautiful, smart and kind. You deserve the same kind of person for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 10:08pm
Welcome to the board!!

I'm so sorry to hear about what your bf did to you...that's horrible!! But I'm so glad you decided to end it. Nobody deserves to be used like that. It's best you just cut your ties and move on because he will probably just continue using you as long as you allow him to. I think your best bet is to start no contact with him ASAP!! Don't give him a chance to convince you to take him back...your emotionally fragile right now...therefore more willing to take him back..... Whatever you decide to do...we're here to help!! Good luck and keep us posted!!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 9:58am
Thank you so much to EVERYONE for the wonderful support and advice. This support group is amazing and has really helped me out to stay firm in my decision. It's so hard but I have decided that he's not worth keeping because I can do so much better. Sometimes, (and I'm sure everybody has experienced this at one point or another) we are so blinded by our feelings for someone that we want forgive them thinking they are going to change like they say they are. Honestly, this has crossed my mind numerous times is the past couple of weeks. Reality is we can't change them and there's a saying that goes, "Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers." It's unbelievable how immature and irresponsible some guys can be. It really hurts, I've had never experienced this sort of deception before, but hopefully I can start the healing process as soon as possible. I feel bad now for the other exes (before this idiot, the others were all so good to me) that I have dumped because the chemistry just wasn't there so my feelings weren't as strong for them. I know how they felt now but at least my conscious is clear because I always did things the right way. I just recently started exercising to get in shape and I've I tried to go out with my girlfriends more often to help clear my mind. I'm trying very hard, thank you to all you wonderful and considerate woman for everything even though you don't even know me.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: coronam02
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:10am
You're quite welcome! I'm sure you would do the same for me. In fact, you may have to because I have a strange feeling I may end up going back to my ex ... which isn't necessarily a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:19pm
Actually, I disagree BIG TIME! The relationship is not worth saving! It's much better and easier to just move on. If he treated you like this before there was any real committment imagine the crap he would put you through after he "had" you. It's not worth it and I think this guy is a real loser. Sorry, but what 23 year old has no credit or enough to get a cell phone that he has to have his 20 year old girlfriend do it for him? Look at all the bright red flags. Get over him and move on. I know I sound so harsh, but I went through a horrible breakup and I'm over it. I realize now after I had the time away that he was NOT what I wanted and not what I would have been able to deal and live with through a real relationship. It will take time to heal, but you will get over and believe me it will only make you stronger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: coronam02
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:29pm
That's what we're here for and I'm glad we could be of help to you!!!
Photobucket