First Love and Feels Like Last Love
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| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 3:19pm |
Okay so here is my story...
I never had a serious relationship until I met my ex boyfriend last March. We were absolutely in love and trusted each other completely for the year and 4 months we were together. He was a West Point cadet and also played College Basketball (like I did) which made him have a very very strict schedule. But we still found time to always see each other. Things were great up until around the time he was graduating this May. He started acting very frustrated all of the time and would take it out on me. I knew a big part of it was the fact that he was graduating, would probably never see his friends again, and was about to start his 5 year committment to the military. But I was still angry about it and wanted things to go back to normal and told him I think we might need to take a break after our vacation. He basically said "Let's go away and then you might not still want to do that." We had a trip planned to Hawaii the week after graduation and we were going with his other 3 guy friends (a horrible mistake on my part.)We fought alot in Hawaii because he wanted to do everything as a group and didnt want to spend any alone time with me. This killed me and we fought a ton even though I knew he might not see any of his friends ever again being that they were being shipped off all over the place for the army. Once we got back from Hawaii I broke down to him and told him I was not happy with the way things were going right now. He said that he thought we definitely needed a break. At the point that I realized he wanted a break I immediately realized that I didn't want one but he wanted it so I had to. The next day he left for his hometown in Ohio because he was going home from June 4- July 4. We still talked alot for the first couple of days and still said "I love you and I miss you." Then a couple of days later he called me and said he thought we needed to break up. His reason was because "he is going to be moving away for the army in 8 months and we are at the point when we either need to get married or break up" and neither of us were ready for marriage. I was miserable and couldnt eat or sleep for the next week. I just didn't understand why we had to break up right now just because he was leaving 8 months from now... I now am starting to realize that it cannot be the only reason. The hardest part is that he is currently living 4 blocks from my beach house. We met up to talk for the first time in person 3 weekends ago. We hung out for 5 hours and it was great. I gave him a letter I wrote him and he started tearing up (so I know he still cares about me) We ended up kissing that night. Then the next couple of days he didnt call or text me or anything. Finally he emailed me and basically said that "I cant get upset when he doesnt call me back if he forgets sometimes etc because right now we are not together." I then started playing the hard to get card and didn't contact him again that whole week. Saturday night I went out with all my girlfriends and ran into him at a bar. His first comment was "so you dont respond to my emails huh" and again we ended up hanging out for about an hour at the bar dancing and talking etc. I made the mistake of telling him I wanted to go home with him and he said he wanted to as well. Then about a half hour later I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone. I sent him a hateful text message and called him but he didnt answer. The next morning (this sunday) I texted him and apologized for the hateful text message that stated "I regret ever being with you." and he responded with "it's okay, did you have fun last night." We chatted a little via text and now it is Tuesday and I havnt made contact at all.
Now the dilemma...
Friday is my birthday. I cant stop thinking about whether he is going to call or text or not call at all. I just know it is going to drive me crazy if he doesnt call me and I will probably do something completely irrational. I know he still has feelings for me but breaking up is just making me question everything. I don't know what to do and all I do is cry about it to my friends. It has almost been 2 months and I am not even close to over him. I want him back more than anything.
Helppppp meeeee...
Meg

OK....deep breath. I know this sucks right now and you feel crazed. Everyone on this board has been there!
If you really want him back, the best thing you can do is NOT contact him. At all. Don't answer when he calls/e-mails/texts, and don't initiate any communication. I know that this is the hardest thing in the world to do, but it's the only way. In order to truly know what he's lost, he has to actually LOSE you. You can't just decide that you will wait for him to call you or e-mail you a few times before responding and call that "playing hard to get."
True, you were both confused, but HE wanted this break-up. If he wants it...give it to him. Give him ALL his time and his space, and don't allow him to fill even a second of it with you. If you keep breaking down and talking to him, it eases his conscience and makes the process easier for him. It also gives him the reassurance that you will always be there waiting if he needs you. Meanwhile, your wound will get ripped open over and over again. This isn't what you want. You want to BE with him. Stand up for yourself! If you know what you want, then be strong. Fill your time with your friends and fill it with activities that you enjoy. You've got to learn to be your own person without for the time being.
Also...word of advice should you get back together with him down the road...I would have been frustrated with you begging for my time if I was having my "last hurrah" with friends that I might never see again. In my opinion, that was VERY selfish and unfair. I only point that out to say the past is in the past, and all you can do is take that experience and LEARN from it.
The fact that he is leaving for the Army is another facet that complicates your situation, and I feel for you there. I know a few military guys that have been to Iraq or are in Iraq. From what I can tell, most of them either need to have a girl waiting at home for them, or they push themselves away from relationships before they leave. You have to realize...that you will probably never fully understand what is needed to mentally prepare to be shipped off with the military.
In any case, you have to fully break away from him in order for him to really be able to make a decision. If he really cares about you, he will definitely be back. Just give it some time. In the meantime (the hardest part!) rant and rave to your friends, act like a crazy person on these boards, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show any of this behavior to him!!
Keep us updated on how you're doing.
S
Thank you for that response. You honestly sound exactly like my girlfriends. That is what they have been telling me as well. It is good to hear it from an outside perspective. I am just so weak with this whole situation and have been struggling hard core to get rid of the contact. Knowing that after the month of August I am going to be over 2 hours away from him makes me think I'm never going to see him again because after that he leaves for his post in God knows where. Then it sucks that we goto the beach in teh same town and goto the same bars. The chances that I will run into him are very high...
The trip to Hawaii was tough because originally his friends girlfriends were supposed to come too but they couldnt get off work so it ended up being me and all guys. I do understand how he wanted his "last horrah" with them but he wouldn't even compromise to give me one night alone at dinner and when he was going to Ohio the day we were getting back, that really hurt me. I think things were just getting pretty bad at that point... But now I do look back and realize I should have been a little bit more understanding. I have no idea what he is going through with the military aside from what I have seen from this year and a half.
You are completely right about needing to break off and stop initiating contact. I am definitely going to do that. If he contacts me on my birthday do I respond or answer?
Thanks
Meg
Try not to worry about whether or not you will see him. In fact, I might even suggest you go so far as to conciously go to places where you DON'T think he will be. That's of course up to you. It's just that in my experience, the minute you have any kind of contact or even see his face from accross the room (or parking lot--can you tell I've been there!) it just brings it all flooding back. I found that the longer I was away from my ex--avoiding places I might see him and refusing any kind of contact--the less "real" he seemed. That's the only way to explain it. The first time I laid eyes on him, even after a couple months of no contact I just wanted to burst into tears because suddenly he was real again. It just brought back the realization for me that he was alive in this world, going on with his life...and doing it without me. Believe me--the fact that he's leaving seems horrible now, but it WILL make it easier.
As far as the trip...I understand why you felt the way you did. But him wanting to spend time with his friends had NOTHING to do with you. It made you feel like he didn't care and didn't WANT to spend alone time with you, when in reality it had nothing to do with you. Its hard for me sometimes NOT to take certain things that my BF does personally. If I want to spend time with him, but he chooses to do something else, it can make me sad, for sure. But I've learned that not all of his decisions HAVE to include me, nor should I assume that if he chooses to do something without me it means he doesn't WANT to see me.
As far as your birthday...it will be hard, but I am of the opinion that you should not respond. What would he say that would make it worth responding? He'd just be calling to wish you a happy birthday. Better you hear it on voicemail then actually talk to him and run the risk of saying something you might regret! Make plans with other people for your birthday, and do it without him in mind.
Also...keep in mind...as Sandra has said before breaks can be very GOOD things! They give a person a chance to take a good, hard, honest look at a relationship. This guy seems to be an honest person, and I think that if he is given his space he will be able to make the best decision for him, whatever that may be.
Hang in there...it DOES get easier.
: )
Uh oh..now i'm starting to get scared.
was seeing him again after a long time really really awful? Like immediately post break upu awful? BEcause i'm definitely in that situation right now (6 hours apart when we broke up and have and will remain so until sept). I completely get what you mean by less 'real'...
Let me begin by saying that NOTHING was as awful as the immediate aftermath of the breakup for me...it was really only uphill from there. Even on days when you feel like you've made NO progress--believe me, you HAVE. And you don't even realize it!
Don't be scared. You are bound to run into him again at some point; though it certainly isn't the most pleasant experience. That's why I avoided any place I thought he would be like the plague for months! Let's see...we broke up in August of last year, and the first time I saw him I passed him driving on the road right after Thanksgiving. (I was actually in his neck of the woods that night--go figure.) It was just a very strange feeling. I felt a little bit like I couldn't breathe, and it brought everything rushing back...like I said, it made what happened REAL again. My eyes filled up with tears but I was with one of my very good (and very good-looking!) male friends at the time, and he was always someone that just made me feel stronger. I honestly don't even know if my ex saw me or not, but that was enough to keep me outta his area for another couple of months!
Don't stress or worry about it...its all part of the process. The first sighting is an important step in getting past all the hurt, even though it's not always FUN. I think I saw him one other time from accross a parking lot, then we ended up at the same New Year's Eve party and that's the first time we actually spoke to each other again.
Anyways....everyone's stories are different, and depending on who you are and how long its been...you might handle it differently. Hang in there!
S