Breakups are hard when you care for the person, but you're not compatible. The relationship won't work unless you solve the problems. If you guys can't solve the problems, you can try to move past the relationship. first step is to stop all contact or avoid it. if you keep checking up on each other, you don't give yourself time to get over those feelings. after a relationship we're all vulnerable and miss support. its easy to go back to an old relationship because we miss that support. that's my experience
Your break up story is so similar to mine that I freaked when I read it. Outside of the fact that my boyfriend didn't smoke pot and I wasn't raped, everything else in your break up story is identical to mine. He was my first love (not my first boyfriend though), but otherwise, well, I'll just quote you:
Take it day by day. Slowly do things for yourself. Time takes care of everything. Having family nearby is very helpful too. If he is not the one, in time, the one will find you!
You have to not let your mind race with thoughts. It's not real. What is real is now. Detach yourself from him and be strong. Realize what a wonderful person you are and the lives you positively effect. If any advice..don't think negative..turn it around to positive. That a wonderful man is telling YOU that YOU are beautiful, etc.. try it...at least once. Think of the sexist man telling you how wonderful you are..
I know its not going to help but your not alone. I am 23 years old and you sound just like me. I was 18 when I met my husband and had been raped 3 months before I met him. He understood and felt bad for me but it took me 2 years to let him in. We fought constantly still do. we got married 3 years ago and are now separating -getting divorced. I miss him and still love him and makes me sick to my stomach literally every time I think of what we had and what I will never have him him. The only thing that is keeping me alive are my friends. I have kept my family far from everything since they don't like him and make it very difficult for me. I had to get rid of everything we owed together and anything that caused memories of him. I threw out all of our pictures I know in the future I may regret it but I cant handle seeing them at the moment. It is an emotional roller coaster and everyone tells me Im going to be ok but its so hard to believe. Its like mourning. I talk to my friends who have been throughout he same thing and hand out with friends who don't want to constantly give me advise or tell me im going to be ok. Im not ok right now and wont be for a while and don't need to be constantly reminded. Its on my terms when I want to talk - you need a distraction friends family school or work. I pray to god everyday to give me strength that I need right now.
Time isn't always a healer - but it's a great anaesthetic.
Trust me, you won't feel like this forever - there will be good days and bad days, but eventually the good days will outnumber the bad.
Give yourself time to grieve, for at the end of the day you have 'lost' someone you loved & it is natural to grieve for the death of a relationship.
It sounds to me as if you might benefit from seeing a therapist or a counsellor - to me, you have a few issues you need to work out & the rape was a terrible ordeal to go through & I wonder if you are truly 'over it'.
The relationship with your boyfriend sounds quite co-dependant, I think you leaned on him a lot emotionally & his drug & alcohol problems clouded things.
After one particular break-up I decided to take some time out from men, I was single through choice for a year and a half, I looked after myself - trained in the gym, had beauty treatments & lived life to the full.
I was getting ready to go to bed, and stumbled across your post. I was raped not only by my brother as a child, but by my 1st boyfriend. Believe me--I know how it feels. I also just broke up with my now ex, just yesterday. Actually, he scrambled to write ME a Dear John letter, knowing our relationship was rocky, and that I was walking a thin line on breaking up with him. The ol' "get them before they get me" thing...
I could write a novel (and actually, I am, on sexual abuse) about what women like us went through, and the long, arduous process it entails to heal from, but I cannot in this post. My ex smokes pot from time to time, and I know that sometimes he did it to "celebrate" and "have fun" but other times he did it to dull his mind from over-obsessing about negative things between us (or anything else paining him in life). Is it the answer? No. But again, life isn't black and white, and just about right or wrong. Plus, each person defines what right or wrong is for their own relationship and life course.
How he behaved certainly doesn't define or place him in the "he's no good for you, honey" category. What you went through--as well as, I am sure, other things you went through not mentioned--are going to take a toll on a human, much less a relationship. No one can judge how you guys chose to handle it, no matter how unhealthy. Humans have limits before they snap and do things they normally wouldn't do in calmer situations.
Being raped consciously and subconsciously takes a toll not only on you, but your partner to some degree. There is extreme guilt, shame, anger, fear, etc. You will go through years and years of phases. It is a lifetime management process; it doesn't go away--it's only MANAGED. If you two get back together one day, you will have to educate yourself and talk to each other about it (of course, whatever pace you're comfortable with), because it will otherwise be the demise of you two again.
It is such an atrociously complex demon to overcome, that it takes down the best of them on this planet. Certainly, two young folks are going to have a super-difficult time dealing with it. I am not surprised at all about breaking up, doing vices (pot, drinking, etc.)--whatever.
I have spent many years writing, reading books, going to counselors, taking medications, hashing it out with my family, facing the perpetrators, going through alcoholism, and tons more. I am a warrior, and I refused to let that demon overtake me. You can, too. Just know that it's a marathon race, but taking it one day at a time is what makes it feasible!
I think that is the CORE of the issue between you and that guy. Work on you, and become your own best friend, shed the hurt layers, detox yourself slowly, and then, one day, perhaps he can be re-introduced into your life, but only on the condition that you both really surround yourself with support (books, counseling, etc.). He MUST become educated on what you went through, not only through books, but by YOU. At least, that's what *I* needed when it happened to me, and it affected my relationships.
Well, I'm rambling now because I haven't slept in over 25 hours.
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Mireya-Zestfulone
Ge
The relationship won't work unless you solve the problems.
If you guys can't solve the problems, you can try to move past the relationship.
first step is to stop all contact or avoid it.
if you keep checking up on each other, you don't give yourself time to get over those feelings.
after a relationship we're all vulnerable and miss support. its easy to go back to an old relationship because we miss that support. that's my experience
Dearest Belle873,
Your break up story is so similar to mine that I freaked when I read it. Outside of the fact that my boyfriend didn't smoke pot and I wasn't raped, everything else in your break up story is identical to mine. He was my first love (not my first boyfriend though), but otherwise, well, I'll just quote you:
"We broke up
I just saw your post as a link on the main part of ivillage and got curious and read it.
P
From someone who has been there
I know its not going to help but your not alone. I am 23 years old and you sound just like me. I was 18 when I met my husband and had been raped 3 months before I met him. He understood and felt bad for me but it took me 2 years to let him in. We fought constantly still do. we got married 3 years ago and are now separating -getting divorced. I miss him and still love him and makes me sick to my stomach literally every time I think of what we had and what I will never have him him. The only thing that is keeping me alive are my friends. I have kept my family far from everything since they don't like him and make it very difficult for me. I had to get rid of everything we owed together and anything that caused memories of him. I threw out all of our pictures I know in the future I may regret it but I cant handle seeing them at the moment. It is an emotional roller coaster and everyone tells me Im going to be ok but its so hard to believe. Its like mourning. I talk to my friends who have been throughout he same thing and hand out with friends who don't want to constantly give me advise or tell me im going to be ok. Im not ok right now and wont be for a while and don't need to be constantly reminded. Its on my terms when I want to talk - you need a distraction friends family school or work. I pray to god everyday to give me strength that I need right now.
Time isn't always a healer - but it's a great anaesthetic.
Trust me, you won't feel like this forever - there will be good days and bad days, but eventually the good days will outnumber the bad.
Give yourself time to grieve, for at the end of the day you have 'lost' someone you loved & it is natural to grieve for the death of a relationship.
It sounds to me as if you might benefit from seeing a therapist or a counsellor - to me, you have a few issues you need to work out & the rape was a terrible ordeal to go through & I wonder if you are truly 'over it'.
The relationship with your boyfriend sounds quite co-dependant, I think you leaned on him a lot emotionally & his drug & alcohol problems clouded things.
After one particular break-up I decided to take some time out from men, I was single through choice for a year and a half, I looked after myself - trained in the gym, had beauty treatments & lived life to the full.
I was getting ready to go to bed, and stumbled across your post. I was raped not only by my brother as a child, but by my 1st boyfriend. Believe me--I know how it feels. I also just broke up with my now ex, just yesterday. Actually, he scrambled to write ME a Dear John letter, knowing our relationship was rocky, and that I was walking a thin line on breaking up with him. The ol' "get them before they get me" thing...
I could write a novel (and actually, I am, on sexual abuse) about what women like us went through, and the long, arduous process it entails to heal from, but I cannot in this post. My ex smokes pot from time to time, and I know that sometimes he did it to "celebrate" and "have fun" but other times he did it to dull his mind from over-obsessing about negative things between us (or anything else paining him in life). Is it the answer? No. But again, life isn't black and white, and just about right or wrong. Plus, each person defines what right or wrong is for their own relationship and life course.
How he behaved certainly doesn't define or place him in the "he's no good for you, honey" category. What you went through--as well as, I am sure, other things you went through not mentioned--are going to take a toll on a human, much less a relationship. No one can judge how you guys chose to handle it, no matter how unhealthy. Humans have limits before they snap and do things they normally wouldn't do in calmer situations.
Being raped consciously and subconsciously takes a toll not only on you, but your partner to some degree. There is extreme guilt, shame, anger, fear, etc. You will go through years and years of phases. It is a lifetime management process; it doesn't go away--it's only MANAGED. If you two get back together one day, you will have to educate yourself and talk to each other about it (of course, whatever pace you're comfortable with), because it will otherwise be the demise of you two again.
It is such an atrociously complex demon to overcome, that it takes down the best of them on this planet. Certainly, two young folks are going to have a super-difficult time dealing with it. I am not surprised at all about breaking up, doing vices (pot, drinking, etc.)--whatever.
I have spent many years writing, reading books, going to counselors, taking medications, hashing it out with my family, facing the perpetrators, going through alcoholism, and tons more. I am a warrior, and I refused to let that demon overtake me. You can, too. Just know that it's a marathon race, but taking it one day at a time is what makes it feasible!
I think that is the CORE of the issue between you and that guy. Work on you, and become your own best friend, shed the hurt layers, detox yourself slowly, and then, one day, perhaps he can be re-introduced into your life, but only on the condition that you both really surround yourself with support (books, counseling, etc.). He MUST become educated on what you went through, not only through books, but by YOU. At least, that's what *I* needed when it happened to me, and it affected my relationships.
Well, I'm rambling now because I haven't slept in over 25 hours.
Good luck, dear.
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