first love, first heartbreak
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:12pm |
I really need an outside, unbiased perspective. I would appreciate it.
Sorry that this is so long.
We dated for almost three years. I'm a senior in high school, and everyone knows that we were dating, and will be shocked to hear that we split. We were always together at school. We've had "almost" break-ups, but never anything official. We broke up last week, at the start of Christmas break, and unconciously i didn't realize that it was really the end. I thought he just needed some space and time to think, so i gave it to him. It didn't end in a huge argument, but he brought it up and i didn't argue or try to change his mind. I thought it was for the best. Honestly, i wasn't prepared for it.
Yesterday, i called him crying, practically begging him to reconsider. He said that we'd had our fun and now it was time to move on. He ended it because we wanted different things from each other. I wanted affection, and he wanted space. We disagreed about how we spent our free time together, and we are not as close as we were a year ago.
For the past few months, our relationship worked this way- we'd be happy for about a month because i compromised and he got what he wanted, which was me not hugging on him or kissing him as much as i wanted or touching him affectionately (not inappropriately) at school. I'm a "touchy" person. I feel close to someone that way. After a while, i would ask him if he would please try to give me what i wanted, (him being sweet to me in other than a friendly way) and i think he would try but i wouldn't see much improvement. I really craved feeling close to him, and that seemed to be the only thing that made me feel that. We'd talk on the phone every couple days for and hour, mostly about video games i didn't want to talk about (i like games, i just got tired of talking about them sometimes) and stuff he was planning an getting. He would almost never send me a nice email anymore like he used to, even when i told him i would really enjoy it. We didn't ever get to go places often, either because his mom wouldn't let him, or he said he didn't feel like it. He pretty much decided when, where, and how our relationship went. I don't feel like i had much control. He was never overtly mean or cruel to me, but he never really made me feel like he valued my opinions or feelings when they conflicted with his. We were really only friends that held hands and rarely saw each other than at school.
There's so many little things that added up that caused a rift between us. He told me that we had both changed and that there was nothing else that he or i could do. He said that he didn't love me as much as he had a long time ago and it was time to go. I was his first girlfriend and love. He said he still loves me and wants to be my friend. He said he would miss me.
I know how trivial this sounds to some people. A high school girl, crying over a small matter that she will get over eventually... but he has been my best friend for three years, and now he's slipping away. I needed to write this for myself to help me heal. I'm still not sure that I'm being completely honest with myself about how it really was. I was happy over half of the time, but not completely satisfied. I guess because i knew him so well, i made excuses for his flaws. Sometimes, when i knew he was doing something (like bossing me)i knew my dad wouldn't like and he came close to finding out how my boyfriend was treating me, i would cover it up. I barely realized it at the time, even though i knew it wasn't right. It's hard for me to write this now, because i want to justify all the bad things I'm saying about him. Even though it sounds like it was all bad, we did have our good times, like getting together for a movie and when he would come over to my house. I'm going to miss those times bitterly.
I guess i just want to know what to do now. When we broke up, he called me a couple days later and said he wanted me back. I was so happy i didn't have to worry about it anymore. Then i called him the next day with a proposed solution to the problems we broke up over, and he said he had changed his mind. After that, i put on a front like i was ok, because i thought he would change his mind again. We talked a little on the phone, but a week later, he called and asked how i was and i said i was fine, and he called my bluff. I started crying, and got off the phone immediately. I talked to him the next day, and as i described above, broke down. He understood my feelings, and told me he should go. He did, and i cried alone... I called him back and told him that i needed to cut myself off from him so i can become an independent, self-assured person, so that i might be able to comfortably be his friend. But i'm not even sure that i can do that, but he seems like he can.
When school starts back, i don't know how i should act towards him. We have two classes together, our parking spaces are next to each other, and our lockers are close. I want him to see a new me. Not someone walking around like a whipped dog. I'm afaid i won't recover in 6 days. I don't want to ignore him, but i also don't want to make him feel great about dumping me. how should i treat him? Should i sit next to him in class? Should i call him before school starts back?
And another problem- What if he wants to get back with me? If he wants to work on it, should i go back? We've tried working on it while we were dating and never got anywhere. I don't know if breaking up is something big enough to invoke change in his opinions. But if a month from now he says his love and affection for me has grown, should i take him back? I'm clueless. I know i want to, but i know don't want to be hurt like this again.
I'm also afraid of him NOT wanting me back. its scary to not have him anymore. If he dosn't want to later on, i know i'll be hurt.
Thank you for reading this. If you have an answer to any of my questions, please let me know.

I have to say that you seem to be a very mature person. You should be really proud of yourself for that.
Things happen for a reason, and this is what I think the reason for your breakup is: In 6 months, high school will be over for you. 3 months later, you will be off to one college, he'll be off to another. If you are still together when that happens, it's going to make your transition from high school to college much more difficult than if you were apart. You need to start college as your own, independent person. The past 3 years haven't been completely 'just' about you. It's been you and him. Now you need to focus on who you are. Then when you get to college, you'll see there's a whole other world out there for you. I know it's hard right now. It seems like the end of the world. You'll see him at school, and when you're not at school you'll be thinking about him. Get yourself through the next 6 months however you can. If it means asking the school to change your parking spot and locker, do it. And if he asks you why you moved, don't even give him an explanation. As I said, I think this breakup happened because it will be so much easier for you come September, when you have to completely be on your own without him. Do something you haven't done before in school. This is your last chance to be in the spring musical or play on the softball team or play on the school's tennis team. Join something. It'll take your mind off things. I know it's much easier said than done. But you CAN do it!
Awwww I'm so sorry for you!! I have to agree with the last post...you sound very mature for your age. I know you feel conflicted, but you are seeing this for what it is A LOT more than you probably think you are. I know how hard it is to know that your first love isn't perfect, but love him so much that those things don't matter to you as much as they possibly should. I've been going through it myself! (Although I am much older and my first love came much later!!) But at the core, we are feeling the same things. There's no way around feeling the loss of someone that you've been so close to for so long. But the GOOD NEWS is that everything happens for a reason! Some of the best advice I got when I broke up was to do everything in my power to get over the guy, even if I didn't feel like it and still loved him. This is you time. Focus on what makes you happy and what makes you wonderful, individual YOU.
As for the specifics...I wouldn't contact him. I would keep your distance as much as possible (SO hard at school, I know!!). You need time AWAY from him to heal. And the only way guys really realize what they lost is to actually LOSE it. DON'T make it easy for him to come back to you, even if you want to. The easier it is for a man to come back to a woman who's heart he's already broken, the easier it will be for him to break it again. I don't like to put timetables on things, but I'd say commit yourself to at least a whole month of as little contact as possible. IF after that time, he comes back to you, and you feel less confused....then it's your call what you want to do. But do your best to figure out you and what you really want before you consider giving him another chance. After all, you know he wasn't perfect in the relationship...and he broke your heart! He should have to make one hell of an effort to win back a prize like you.
HANG IN THERE!!!
I wish our education system actually addressed real life, real emotions and the real stages young people go through.
I'd teach about self-esteem.
I'd teach that most first love relationships don't last and with good reason.
I'd teach how to identify abusive, controlling, manipulative relationships amoung a lot of other things.
::He ended it because we wanted different things from each other. I wanted affection, and he wanted space. We disagreed about how we spent our free time together, and we are not as close as we were a year ago.
This is normal. He got the girl (you) and the amount of effort that goes into the relationship changes. You need to give and receive affection to feel love. (Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman - great book).
::we'd be happy for about a month because i compromised and he got what he wanted, which was me not hugging on him or kissing him as much as i wanted or touching him affectionately (not inappropriately) at school.
You've had to shutdown who you are to be with him. You've had to stop doing what comes natural to you, to please him, to stay in the relationship.
::We'd talk on the phone every couple days for and hour, mostly about video games i didn't want to talk about (i like games, i just got tired of talking about them sometimes) and stuff he was planning an getting.
This is him being a guy. He wasn't on the same page as you were with the relationship. He wants to explore the world, do other things, etc and you want him to want more of what you wanted it to be.
::He would almost never send me a nice email anymore like he used to, even when i told him i would really enjoy it.
You want someone to court you, date you, make you feel good about the relationship, like he's participating and you are important to him. He's not capable of continuing as he was in the beginning.
::He pretty much decided when, where, and how our relationship went. I don't feel like i had much control.
You didn't. But wouldn't you rather it be mutual? He decided and dictated and because you wanted to be in the relationship with him so badly, you put up with it.
::He was never overtly mean or cruel to me, but he never really made me feel like he valued my opinions or feelings when they conflicted with his.
Then, he's not the guy for you, no matter how much you love him. All of the above, all the examples, people don't usually change the way the operate unless they are motivated to do so.
::when i knew he was doing something (like bossing me)i knew my dad wouldn't like and he came close to finding out how my boyfriend was treating me, i would cover it up. I barely realized it at the time, even though i knew it wasn't right. It's hard for me to write this now, because i want to justify all the bad things I'm saying about him.
Don't put the blinders back on. See him for how he really was.
::Even though it sounds like it was all bad, we did have our good times, like getting together for a movie and when he would come over to my house. I'm going to miss those times bitterly.
This is normal. You are in grief. You need to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, and for the loss of the relationship.
::When we broke up, he called me a couple days later and said he wanted me back. I was so happy i didn't have to worry about it anymore. Then i called him the next day with a proposed solution to the problems we broke up over, and he said he had changed his mind. After that, i put on a front like i was ok, because i thought he would change his mind again. We talked a little on the phone, but a week later, he called and asked how i was and i said i was fine, and he called my bluff. I started crying, and got off the phone immediately. I talked to him the next day, and as i described above, broke down. He understood my feelings, and told me he should go. He did, and i cried alone...
This is normal post break-up behavior also. He's feeling the loss too. Instead of dealing with the feelings, we tend to reach out again to the person for comfort. We *think* we change our mind, then we realize it's not the right thing after all. Totally normal.
::I called him back and told him that i needed to cut myself off from him so i can become an independent, self-assured person, so that i might be able to comfortably be his friend. But i'm not even sure that i can do that, but he seems like he can.
He can because he's already detatched more than you have. You are right to cut off contact because you need a period of 'no contact' to help you heal.
::When school starts back, i don't know how i should act towards him.
Be yourself. Nod, say hi and keep moving. Don't linger. Don't engage in conversations. You already know you will be hurt if it doesn't turn out well.
:: I want him to see a new me. Not someone walking around like a whipped dog.
Then work on you. Hold your head high. Give yourself permission to cry at home. Start a journal. Vent on paper.
::I'm afaid i won't recover in 6 days.
Probably not, most of us can't. That's normal.
:: Should i sit next to him in class? Should i call him before school starts back?
No, and no. You have to start fresh for you. That means not sitting next to him. It's going to be hard enough by seeing him, his locker and car during the day and when you come and go from school.
::And another problem- What if he wants to get back with me? If he wants to work on it, should i go back? We've tried working on it while we were dating and never got anywhere. I don't know if breaking up is something big enough to invoke change in his opinions. But if a month from now he says his love and affection for me has grown, should i take him back? I'm clueless. I know i want to, but i know don't want to be hurt like this again.
I'm also afraid of him NOT wanting me back. its scary to not have him anymore. If he dosn't want to later on, i know i'll be hurt.
These 'what if's' will drive you crazy. If you heal, if you really look at the relationship for what it was (bossing, disregarding your feelings and needs) you will be strong enough to not need him to want you back, you will be strong enough to say no, if you are working on you.
Consider reading the book:
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
You will get through this. And life is about to change for you in so many ways. Graduation is just around the corner.
Carrie
First, you are hurting, so it does not matter if you are in high school or how old you are. We all have pain and emotions. I know how hard it is to let someone leave your life and to get over the comfort of a relationship, even if it's not the right thing. It sounds like the two of you are not very compatible (though I know that we don't know all the important things you shared and how close you felt). And you kept mentioning how you would acquiesce to his desires -- not being too affectionate, him not validating your opinions, etc. This is not what a loving relationship should be like. I think that it ended for a reason (even if unknown) and I am sure that upon graduation you would be off doing different things. This may give you an opportunity to really do what you want and deserve for your life and not be hampered by the relationship. Use this time to enjoy your last few months of school as much as you can, do things with your family and friends if you will be moving out for college or a job soon, etc. Be gentle with yourself. It's perfectly OK to cry and be upset. I don't think that you can transform yourself in a matter of days, nor should you try. I would say hi to him if you have eye contact and be civil, but not more. Hold your head high. I would not try to go in with a new hair style or different personality. You are who you are. Immerse yourself in what your school has to offer as far as extracurricular activities, do things in your town that you've always wanted to do if you are going to be moving away. Once you start to get over the pain, I hope that you can use this time to the best of your advantage.
You have had great experiences with this guy, so don't forget the good and don't forget the bad. Use it to learn what you are looking for in future relationships. You want and deserve someone who respects you and is willing to compromise. Your pain will eventually pass.
Thank you for your good advice.
All of you.
Reading them has helped me tremendously. It has helped me keep in mind that good, positive things are in my future. I don't want to re enter a relationship that would end up going back to how it was near the end. I am so glad i found this site.
Today, I am feeling better. Since it ended i have been keeping myself busy seeing friends, and spending the night at my cousin's house. When school starts, i'll be involved in Visual Arts and singing and dancing in Show Choir. I had planned on getting my hair cut, but not on being a different person. Maybe a stronger one, but still myself.
I miss him so much. I don't know how i am going to deal with not talking to him as much.
I don't like much of this, but i realize it is best for me to keep a distance between us.
He used to be among my best friends.
Is there any way to keep that aspect of us alive?
Maybe not next week, but a couple months from now? I think he expects to be able to talk to me when we go back. But, he doesn't really deserve the privledge of my attention anymore.