first love... first heartbreak

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
first love... first heartbreak
6
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:36pm
i've been with my boyfriend, jared, for 2 years and he is absolutely wonderful. but, lately, i've been having feelings for another guy named liam. liam has admitted to having feelings for me as well, and after the two of us had been hanging out as friends for a while he kissed me. i've heard rumours that liam is a player who does this kind of thing to alot of girls, but if that's true, then i wonder why he would have waited so long to have kissed me and not done it right after i told him i was having feelings for him. also, when i saw him tonight, i kissed him and he pulled away and said that it wasnt right. so, if what these people say is true, then why would he do that? in addition, my boyfriend is like my very best friend and i dont want to lose that, even if i dont have girlfriend feelings for him anymore, i still have friend feelings. if we break up, then i will lose him as a friend and i dont know if i can handle that. i need him in my life, but he's told me that if we broke up that he'd need a long time away from me, but i think that the longer it went, the less likely we'd ever be to become friends. i just dont know what to do and this whole thing just makes me burst into tears whenever i think about it. i feel like i'm just going to hurt everyone and that i'm also going to get hurt no matter what i do. please help me. i dont know how long i can stand this pain. i know i'm being selfish and horrible, but i do love jared, i just sometimes feel like maybe he's not the one, he's my first boyfriend ever and i wonder if i should be out on my own for a while, seeing other guys, just to make sure he really is the one for me. i feel like the worst person in the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 5:05pm

I'm sorry, please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems to me you already emotionally cheated on your current boyfriend which can be worst than physical cheating. What I would do is breakup/ take a break with your current boyfriend and decide what you want. Remember you made a commitment and if you are unsure of what you want it's only fair to let your boyfriend go so you don't waste his time.

You said, "even if i dont have girlfriend feelings for him anymore." This is a horrible reason to break up. It takes a lot of effort and patience to keep a relationship happy and healthy. Sounds to me like you are not ready to settle down with one person. Because of that you will probably lose his friendship, but that is the cost. You have to decide which is more important to you, a person who treats you right or the new excitement of a new relationship.

Just my 2 cents. good luck

elc guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 5:25pm
i most definitely have cheated on my boyfriend, which is something i never thought i would do. i am not a girl who cheats and i hate what i've become. but there must be a way to break up with him and maintain a friendship. i dont know if i can deal with not having him in my life
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 5:41pm

I'm sorry to say this, but if you leave him for another guy there is no way he's going to be your friend. At least not for a year or two. Besides if you keep him around it's just going to cause more drama in your new relationship and give your current boyfriend false hope. I know you want to stay friends with him, but often times you can't have both. If you truly care about him you need to let him go.

elc guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 4:28pm
well i would definitely take some time before going into another relationship. i would never rush right into it, i care too much about both of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 6:32pm

I have to say, it seems like you're concerning yourself more with your feelings in the whole thing, rather than Jared's, (or Liam's) feelings. You don't want to lose the friendship. You want to see what's out there. You want to spend time with Liam. You don't want to lose Jared. Did you ever think about what Jared wants? Chances are, and I'm sorry to say this, but when you and Jared break up, he won't want to be friends. I would feel the same way if someone hurt me like that. Did you put yourself in Jared's shoes? How would you feel if he was messing around with someone else behind your back and wouldn't break things off with you because he didn't want to lose your friendship? Would you want to remain friends with someone who did that to you? Would you care what he wants? Or would you be more conscious of how his decisions for himself are affecting you? And you even said that you know you’re being selfish…then you know what the right thing is to do.

The whole Liam thing... he is most likely a player -- like you’ve heard, and that's what he's doing...playing hard to get. Sure, he kisses you once...gets you excited about the "new relationship", then next time he plays the game..."oh no, this isn't right...you have a boyfriend". He wanted to see how far you'd go for him...that makes him feel better; more important. It's a game to those types of men.

I think if you really care about Jared’s feelings, then you need to break it off with him. Dragging him along only because you don’t want to lose his friendship is very selfish. If he wants to be friends in the future then all the more power to you, but if he doesn’t want you in his life, then you have to honor his decision and take it as a lesson learned.

Many times in life we lose touch with people that we never wanted to….this is how we, as humans, learn. Life isn’t perfect, and life isn’t fair, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and a lesson like this is a hard one to learn….but one you’ll never forget.

Good luck to you…keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 9:59am
If his friends are saying he's a ladies man then it is probably true and if you get involved with that it will just cause you more pain. When I first met my ex 2ys ago friends and family said negative things about him to me. I ignored it and just wanted to see for myself and not rely on others judgment. In the end all of it was true. If friends or family are saying negative things than there might be a reason this person is not respected. Sometimes it does take moving on and meeting other people to put your past in perspective. But this guy might cause more problems for you in the end. If your not happy and satisfied in the relationship let it go. Good luck :)