First Meeting Since He Dumped Me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
First Meeting Since He Dumped Me...
5
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:28pm
Hi everyone .. I had posted on here a few days ago regarding my recent break up (It was titled ... "How Do I Deal" or something to that extent...it's still one of the newer posts..anyways...)

He and I are getting together in a few days to talk about what happened ... I need some advice on how I should approach this .. I am doing this for ME .. so I can know face to face what the hell happened and start to move on ...(as I said before he broke up with me on MSN .. which didn't really give me a chance to say what I wanted to say...)

Do I start being friends with him when I know I'm probably not ready to make that job right now? I don't want to NOT be true to myself ... I know I might not get all the answers I'm looking for or want and realistically .. most people in this situation of being dumped out of nowhere would get honest answers .. but I'm just wondering how to approach this ... I know it's going to hurt ... but seeing as the break up wasn't done face to face .. it's hard for me to just accept things and move on .. anything advice is welcome ... thanks ..

Lynne

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:39pm
I responded to your earlier post, and would just reiterate that no, it doesn't make sense for you to try to be friends with him at this point.

Is there a typo in your post? I ask because my take is that most people being dumped out of nowhere do NOT get honest answers from their exes (contrary to what you say in your post). Every time I've tried to get answers, they are either not honest or they say something like "I don't know". It's never helped (but that hasn't stopped me from trying, so I understand why you are!).

In any event, I hope the meeting isn't too painful and doesn't set you back too far. But after that, regardless of whether you get answers or not, you need to start "no contact" with your ex, so that you can begin to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:45pm
Lynne81- PLEASE be careful. You were treated horribly, and now you are setting yourself up for more hurt. My biggest wish in this world is that I could never have to see my ex again, but we have a child together, so obviously, that's not realistic. I don't know you and I don't know your ex, but he sounds like a coward to begin with, so it's doubtful you would get the answers you are looking for. He initiated the no contact if you really think about it, and if I were you (which I know I'm not, and I know how badly you want to hear what you hope he'll say - so do I) I would proceed very, very carefully. Anyways, take care in your decision and don't let him rob you of one more second of your life, that's what I've vowed in my situation. All my best and God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:34pm
My advice: Be prepared. You probably won't get any answers that will give you the closure you are looking for. Half the time guys don't know why they are doing something, or they don't want to "hurt you" with the truth. If he broke it off over the computer than I would definitly not expect any good answers. Nothing you hear is going to take away the feelings of hurt and abondonment. I can totally understand your needing a face to face. Doing it over the computer is cowardly and unthinkable! I tried to be "friends" with my ex of 4 yrs. I felt like he was my best friend for so long how can I just cut him out of my life? I told him Monday that we could not have anymore phone or face to face contact b/c everytime we did it was painful for me. I would highly suggest some no contact time for you to emotionally detach and heal. I also fell into the trap of wanting to talk about things all the time, and realized that I was really trying to convince him that we should be together (in a subtle way). I had the hope that he would realize what we had and want to get back together. Then I realized that even if he missed us he wants what he wants and feels what he feels and it isn't fair to either of us to be in a relationship where 1 person feels unwanted and the other has one foot out the door. Not talking to him will be really painful, but after a long time I've come to the conclusion that it's the only thing to do until the pain goes away. Good Luck.....Let me know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:21am
if i were you i would not go.....you are setting yourself up for another hurt and disappointed and any guy who cant even break up with you on the phone or in person would not have anything to say that meant anything anyway.

try to remember that this is his problem and it is not about you...it is all about him...so he is goofy and does not even have the respect for you to break up in person....i would not want to give him the satisfaction of a face to face meeting...

i really think this meeting will set you back to square one.

my ex kinda sorta broke up with me on the phone on a sunday(he said we should slow things down)...then emailed me monday to ask me out to dinner tuesday....so i went...and i am so sorry i went...the dinner was horrible..he just sat there and did not talk..i think he wanted to make it uncomfortable for me...so in the car on the way home i said why dont we just cool it...and he made no protestations...so i guess that is what he wanted..he emailed and called for a couple of weeks but now i am determined to have no contact..not that i think he will be contacting me again anyway but this has helped me to move on...but if i had it to do over again i would NOT have gone to dinner with him.....

good luck and let us know how it goes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 2:00am
Hello .. thanks for all the advice ...

I ended up meeting him tonight and in the end .. I'm OK and going to be OK .. this is NOT someone I want in my life AT ALL ... he told me basically for the past 5 months I was a "friend with benefits" and he says the way things turned out between us it shouldn't have happened .. oh well .. his loss .. I know I deserve better and will find better .. I don't need this crap in my life and won't sit here and listen to him try to explain things when he is lying to himself and doesn't even have a clue about what he thinks/feels ... now he's telling me I met him at a bad time in his life .. lala .. whatever .. I'm sick of hearing him try and make himself feel better .. when I know he's trying to do just that ... but I know I need to look after ME and that it's about time I did that and this meeting has given me a sense that now I can start to move on .. and not feel this holding me back ... talk to you all soon ...

Lynne