first real break up - how to deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
first real break up - how to deal
1
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:58pm

Me and my ex boyfriend had been dating for two years. Our anniversary was just on Tuesday, February 20. Well, I decided it was time to end it, so I did on Thursday, just two days after our anniversary, after deciding I've finally had enough. I know I deserve better, and I know I did the right thing, but it was my first real relationship. I'm only 18 and I have been dating him since I was just 16, and he was 20. I lost my virginity to him and I still love him and care about him. I ended up going over to his house after we broke up the night after and talking about everything and we both talked about how we felt. We ended up making love, just one last time, and I left knowing it was for good this time (we had broken up before). But I'm so torn up inside. I've been reading a lot of the advice on here and trying to believe it and cope, but it's just so hard. I hate feeling this way... like I'll never move on. I feel like he'll be just fine and have a new girl by next week and I'm afraid I'll still be feeling this way in months. I don't know what to do. Help?

-Chelsea

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:02am

Well, I can give you advice, and then I can tell you how I actually handled it.

As difficult as it is to do this (and it is), you can't think about how he's going to deal with the break up, if he'll grieve, if he'll find someone new, etc. It's only going to make things worse. It's time to focus on you now. There's no more "us", it's "me" now, and your life has to be adjusted accordingly. It's an extremely difficult adjustment to make. But I think as a general rule, it seems men can handle this transition a lot better. Many can detach themselves from a situation like a break-up much easier than women can. My ex was dating someone new within two weeks of our break-up, and she was likely the reason he ended it with me. I was devastated.

I'm three months into my first break-up myself. About the same age difference as you between us (I was 17 and he was 20 when we started dating two years ago), and we were both each other's firsts sexually, which doesn't make the emotional attachment any easier. He broke up with me in mid-November citing "I don't love you anymore" as his reason. It was shocking and unexpected on my part, and I was so down I went through a two-week period where I couldn't even think about food without feeling sick, let alone actually eat. This is actually very normal.

Slowly, you start to feel better, and that overwhelming sadness doesn't reach you as easily and quickly. I am not over him (I wouldn't be here if I WAS over him), but I feel less of an attachment to him because of the space that has grown between us since we last spoke when we broke up. Though he broke my heart, I still care about him and think of him fondly, and there's no denying that being my first love, he'll always have a special place in my heart.

But one thing is for sure, do NOT contact him, no matter how you justify a phone call to him. Remember you're the one who ended it, and you had a very valid reason, the relationship had run its course and you realize that there is something and someone better out there for you. It's tempting to contact him, but just avoid getting into that kind of situation. I won't say I don't still view his Myspace to see what he's up to, but even that is something you shouldn't do. Especially because when he does meet someone new and you aren't over him, seeing that will make you feel like hell. And it can lead to some fury and jealousy on your part. It made me feel like I had been broken up with all over again, and he didn't even have to say anything to me. Believe me, you don't want to be back at square one.

All I can say is take it one day at a time. Slowly but surely you'll start to regain yourself, but don't expect it to be a walk in the park. A break-up--especially your first time around--can be extraordinarily painful. It takes time to heal, so take all the time you need. Cry as much as you need to, because if there's one thing that helps with getting out your emotions and getting them under control it's having a good cry. But don't forget to laugh sometimes too. I highly recommend spending time with friends and family--they always find a way to make you smile and drag you out of the house when you're feeling down.

It gets better, I promise.