five years....and he doesn't care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
five years....and he doesn't care
4
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:31pm
I have posted here before but without much success in the feedback department. Maybe because everyone else knew i was being a fool, i don't know but that is exactly how i feel right now. I have been going through a break up for over a year now. I lived with him for four of the years we were together, stood by him through divorce (not because of me), custody battles, support battles, and health issues. I took care of him, cooked for him, everything. I had a bump in the road over a year ago and got a DUI. Immediately, I was told to move out. I had to leave my home and move in with an aunt and figure out how i was going to manage my life without a license for a year. In the mean time, he continued to go back and forth with wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. We spent christmas together, i got him out of debt, and we still spent all of our time together. But whenever i would talk about us, he would always give non commital answers. So in April I stepped out and starting really talking to guys...yes for the wrong reasons but I wanted a total distraction from him. Lo and behold, he comes barreling back into my life, totally destroyed by what i was doing...and that he wanted to make things work...well, in all honesty, i know for a fact that i tried and tried to make it work...i stopped the nagging and the jealousy and all that stuff...and then last week i asked him about marriage...not with us, just in general, and he said he's not rushing into it, especially since i have embarassed him when we have gone out drinking so he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to bring me around the people he works with or his family...he says they only see me as a drunk which is SOO not true...i'm 28 years old, we've been together for FIVE years...either leave me alone, or do something about us!!!! We don't have sex anymore, haven't in soooo long but i spend the weekends there and he calls me every SINGLE day but he says he does that because he loves me...so Friday I broke up with him...i didn't want to but knew i HAD to. and he wants to stay friends...i don't know what i want but i can't make that cleave yet...but on saturday he called me about three times and i didn't answer the phone...but i did call him back because i felt bad. and i get my license in a month, and i'm sooo positive about that and soooo looking forward to being independent again but the next month, i have total dependence on other people and i hate it. i think it would be so much easier if i could just up and go whenever i wanted instead of being locked in a home that isn't mine...sorry i know i'm rambling but the tears are just streaming and this is the only place that gives me some kind of comfort....
is it that he doesn't love me (well, that's obvious right?) and doesn't want to be the bad guy in ending it? i don't get it...and i know it's as easy to see as the writing on the wall and if i was reading someone's message on here, i would say...GET AWAY FROM HIM....but it's soooooo hard...where do you find the strength?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:59pm

Hey-I'm going through something similar...same questions, like "doesn't he love me," (followed with "obviously not...at least not on the same level." It's just so confusing..and painful. I'm right in the thick of it, too...hurting so much right now.

I'm living with him, and have been for over 6 years. I'm looking for an apartment...he wants me to take as long as I need. He says that he's "not sure" if he wants me to move out. He's "not sure" if breaking up is the best thing. It looks like he wants out but doesn't have the balz to own his choice. At this point, I'm thinking that if it looks like it, then it probably is...though, of course, he insists that no, it isn't. We've split several times in the past, and each time he said that it was a mistake, and that he wanted me to come "home". Well, as soon as I did that, he was unhappy again...and so was I.

I think that all we can do is take care of ourselves...you know? Nurture yourself...it's helping me...and this message board, that's helping too. I really like the stuff about thought stopping...maybe you will too, because it sounds like you're stuck in obsessing about it (and believe me, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY). This is some confusing stuff, and we need to make sense of it. I don't really have any answers for you...just sympathy, empathy. I'm trying to let go, and it really sounds like you should try to let go, too. I really like the mantra on one of the threads..."He is the way he is--I accept that we cannot have the type of relationship that I want with him because of that." You're just never going to "figure it out," you know? It's one of those unknowable things, like "what is at the end of the Universe." I don't know. I don't know why he feels the way that he feels. Maybe HE doesn't even know. But he DOES feel that way, and that means that you've got to move on. So do I, like it or not. I really love him. I thought he was my ONE TRUE LOVE...it sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:36pm

First of all, in reading your post, I feel very supportive of your decision to break up with him. Something that is so important for women (and which too often gets overlooked) is trusting your gut! And it sounds like as much as you try to convince yourself it will work, deep down you know this is not an ideal situation for you, and you're finally doing something about it. That's the first step.

I was also in a 5yr relationship, and something that helped me was to make a list of the things that I did not like about him, and the things that I did not like about the relationship. Once you do that, it is somewhat empowering to sigh and realize you know what, it might be nice not to have to deal with that anymore, kind of a burden lifted! Keep that list, and anytime you feel like going back, pull it out and remind yourself how you deserve better. I also made a post it note that I kept in my purse with a few statements like "I deserve someone who is sure about me". And this helped serve as a reminder too.

Something else that helped me was to put up pictures of motivational things, as well as a calendar that you mark off for each day you don't talk to him. It makes you feel super strong to see the progress you make. I also bought the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and that really helped me get my head straight. This also recommends no contact for 60 days, which might help your situation too. Just some suggestions that helped me...

I don't know of your specific situation, but what you mentioned he said to you does not sound very respectful, and I don't believe that you deserve or want to be married to someone who disrespects you like that. And not having sex for awhile might be an indicator too. Also, when you said that he should either "leave you alone, or do something about us" it sounds like you are putting the decision all in his hands. I was doing that too. But look, you've decided to do something about it for you, and although it seems like there's a mountain to climb in front of you, it sounds like you're taking a great first step.

Also remember that not being with him is most likely not going to be as bad as your mind fears it will be. Get yourself out there, do things for yourself (especially once you're driving again), and before you know it, great things will likely start to happen as you rebuild and attract the same good energy that you give off, and you'll begin to feel comfortable with the new, empowered you.

Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:23am

You aren't going to like this, but it needs to be said. If you had a DUI over a year ago and are just now getting you license back, depending on what state you live in, it's most likely not your first one. He is mentioning drinking as an issue and your behavior when you drink. You may not drink 24/7, you may just be a social drinker, you may drink a couple of drinks daily after work or twice a year on holidays, but if you have had more than one DUI then when you *do* drink it would seem that your judgement is not the best.

I apologize if I have misread this situation and there is perhaps some other reason you haven't gotten your license back yet, but if not, I think it is time to take a look at drinking and how you behave when you drink.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 6:26pm

Thank you soo much for all of your responses. asutherngrl, it was my first offense, but i lost it for a year because i was involved in an accident. The other car was speeding and slammed into my passenger side. Doesn't make the situation right, but in the state of PA, doesn't matter how many offenses or what your BA is, you lose the license for a year if another car is involved. I could have hit a tree and got ARD. And yes, I have looked at my drinking. I'm not an everyday drinker, nor have i ever been an every weekend drinker but I do admit when I do drink, i do not act myself and get angry, which is why i do not drink anymore...but he can't see that, he only sees what happened in the past, which in a way i can't blame him but that is not who i REALLY am.
To the other replies, thank you for your empathy and more so for your understanding. I sometimes feel like i am the only one out there has this hole in their heart but i know that isn't so. I have made the lists, done the mantras, carried around inspirational sayings, and have even been in counseling and have really grown as a person in the past year, but in that growth, he is still my heart. does he satisfy my heart? no, he doesn't and i sometimes wonder as a successful college graduate with two degrees, how i can't see things for what they are...i don't get how he has this hold over me and how i allow it...i just really don't know how to break free. i know i have to do the no contact but that is hard. he is my sister's fiancee's best friend, so around a lot, he's my sisters manager so she talks about him a lot...it's like he's always there, lurking in the shadows. And i know i'm a good catch, even with my flaws...i just don't understand why after five years and all we've been through, the ready just to throw this fish back into the water. is it easier for men to move than females?

thanks again for your response, all of them:)