Follow-Up...He called. Now what?
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| Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:39pm |
I was on here last week venting about my ex who after almost 3 months of being broken up has continued to text message me. Long story short, he'd planned a vacation for us both (we were long-distance) to meet in my home state. He started acting weird 2 weeks prior to the vacation and ultimately never got on the plane. He never gave me a rhyme or reason why except to say "we weren't even talking." We weren't talking bc he was avoiding me. I felt like I had no other choice but to breakup with him.
He never gave me a break to deal with things. Kept beggin me to "please show me you can be my friend for now" since the day we broke up. In the 3 months since our breakup, the longest he's gone is 2 weeks of no contact. I repeatedly asked him to either call or leave me alone. Yet, for almost a month he continued to text me- which I did not respond to. I just figured he'd leave me alone.
Today, to my surprise, he called. We talked for 15 min and it was all very topical. "How's work?," "How's your family?" etc... Not once did he broach the subject of our breakup. I tried to go there by saying that I know it's hard for him to talk about but that we do need to talk about it. I asked him if he ever cried (I haven't seen one ounce of emotion since the breakup). He said "uh yeah a little bit," then tried to change the subject. I finally asked, "Is this hard for you to talk about?" And he said "yes." So I left it.
I am to the point where I need closure. I love the guy with all my heart but if he can't deal with what he did, I can't talk to him. SO I emailed him a very long email about how badly he's hurt me, how he can't keep pretending that nothing happened, how I deserve an explanation for why he did what he did, etc... I also told him how much I cared about him.
I am so confused. I love him, but I hate what he did to me. I don't know why he keeps trying to contact me. Why he won't deal with things.
Was sneding that email the right thing to do? What should I do if he contacts me again and trys to skate around what happened? What is his problem? Will he ever come around? Should I just give up?

The email is pointless, no explanation he gives you will ever be satisifactory enough to explain the demise of your relationship. I got around 50 different reasons and STILL didn't feel satisified. However, at this point, whether or not the email was the right thing to do has become irrelevant.
Look, he avoided you for two weeks, didn't get on the plane because you weren't talking. If you and I weren't talking and we had a trip planned to your home state, I'd bite the bullet and call you to figure out what's up instead of jilting you at the plane. In any case, I'm not sure what you mean by 'come around'. come around..how?
Welcome back to the board,
Unicornssong gave you great advice.
Maybe he doesn't know?
If you've ever broken up with someone, you'll know it's not one single thing that makes you want to break up with them. It's an accumulation of small wrongs, subtle not-quites, gradual loss of feeling etc, that all get triggered by one incident.
Does it make you feel better if he came up with 110 reasons why he dumped you? Do you REALLY want to know or do you want to know so you can 'fix' it? That's usually the reason people keep looking for the 'why why why'. You don't need to respond to that question here, but be honest with yourself.
Susanna
You are so right. No matter why he did what he did, he did it.
I could tell by the sound of his voice on the phone (very quite, stoic) that he hasn't begun to deal with things. He's just thrown himself into work (he coaches football). The times I get texts are Saturday/Sunday when he doesn't have anything going on.
I'm beginning to see that he probably has reacted like this all his life. He had a very difficult, unstable childhood and he's probably devloped a coping mechanism by just suppressed his feelings whenever something bad happens. It's really sad- but I realize I can't fix him.
It's really hard. I hope I am moving to the "acceptance" phase of grieving. I am sick of crying and hurting so badly. I need to move on for me and I know it- I just have a really hard time with it sometimes.