Fool again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fool again
14
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:39pm

Hi everyone,
I've been on this message board for months reading everyone's postings and trying to get over an ex.

This is my first time posting a message and don't know where to start. So I will keep it short and simple. After being dumped by my ex for the 3rd time, I contacted him on Thursday after 4 months via email just to see how he was doing. The fact is I miss him soooo much and was wondering how he can just forget I ever existed. It was a short simple email saying hi and hoping things were well with him. I didn't know what to expect. His reply was so imformal and nonchalant. I feel like a fool for having no self control. He's made his feelings obvious and I guess I just need to accept it. Our last break-up was out of the blue---he just stopped calling and chose to ignore me. I guess it's very difficult since he was my first boyfriend. I know there will be others....but I feel like he was the one. I guess I just needed to vent.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: hema7778
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:03pm
I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting so bad over this guy... glad you posted though, welcome :) I know there isn't much to say that you don't know, about time and acceptance and keeping busy to help move on, so I won't say that again. I do know exactly what you are feeling, that missing them so intently, and not really understanding why they don't feel the same. If they just had a clue how much we love them.... and still they just don't reciprocate.
Maybe since you got the very emotionless email from him, it will help to make it more real that it is over. I know that isn't what you want, but you WILL feel better soon and you won't feel that *need* for him as much. I too contacted my ex, and he was kind of a real jerk, and I think it was the best thing that could have happened. During the time of no contact I actually built him up so much, and missed him and thought of him so intently that he became this *god* that I couldn't get off my mind and just had to have. Then talking to him, brought him down off the pedastal that he was on. He was arrogant, and almost condensending. It kinda snapped me out of it, and I'm doing 100% better. I don't want to talk to him ever again because he will just hurt my feelings.
Don't know if that helps at all with your situation, but keep reading that letter, and focus on how cold he was... it should sink in maybe even piss you off alittle and be easier to move on.
You deserve so much better and he doesn't deserve another moment of your time! Hugs to you, let us know how you are doing,
Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: hema7778
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:35pm

Grace, thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. It meant a lot to me knowing that there is someone who can relate and who took the time to care.

Please tell me more about your situation and the steps you've taken to get over him, I'm sure it will be helpful to me as well. I guess I'm really hard on myself for being so weak. There is something I am holding unto unwilling to let go of, I wish I knew what it was. I just feel like a fool for always being the one running back to him, and him being the one to push me away. We weren't in a relationship, just friends, but I fell for him and he pretty much broke me in two. I just wish I knew why one minute we were great and the next he went into hiding. I guess there are some questions I may never get an answer to.

Thanks for listening....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: hema7778
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 5:37pm

Why should you feel bad about yourself, based on how your ex responded to your letter?

Though I am always torn on contact after a relationship ends, regardless, you took the time to send an email, wish him well and ask how he was. If his response was blase and indifferent, that's about him, not about you. Don't take it personally: take it as a reflection on his standards.

If this guy has a history of dissapearing out of your life, do yourself a favour and dissapear out of his, as well. When you make a committment to move on to someone who is happy to hear from you - not glum when he gets an email - you will be taking steps in the right direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: hema7778
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:34pm
Clarification question: Are you saying that you were "dumped" three times by someone you weren't even in a relationship with? How did that happen? I'm curious about this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:30am

Oh, I completely understand what you are going thru. I too was only *dating* my ex, and he would shy away anytime we spent a couple months together and it was looking like a real relationship. He would back away and then come back and then even date someone else, and call me up still.. I was always his freind when he needed, and lover at his convience, and we did this rollercoaster ride for over a year. I don't know why I let him walk in and out over and again. I took any crumbs he gave and believed in him so much. After a few times (metaphorically speaking) kicked in the stomach when he would have another girlfriend I would take a stand and walk away... tell him not to call and to leave me alone. He would come running then and want me back. And trust me, I know about feeling weak. I would hate to tell anyone that I was talking to him again because although my friends loved me, they knew he was bad for me. But the dissappointment in myself was even greater. Why I couldn't be strong and just drop this guy on his a$$! It's taken alot of praying, alot of crying, alot of coming here, journaling, alot of mistakes and slip ups to get to where I am. Still trying to move on, and think of him less and less.
I remind myself daily that I did all I could. I loved him with my entire being, and I've layed my heart on the line so many times. He in turn has consistently let me down, looked me over, used my tender feelings for his advantage. He is dating someone else, he has cheated on all his *girlfreinds* with me. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Well my stubborn self held on to hope with this fool for so long. He has never even given me anything real to keep holding, so I think I know exactly how you feel.

Big sigh... you and I will be ok. I have met someone else who loves me with his everything. (however I don't feel the same which is a sad story where I am breaking his heart) BUT point is, there are guys out there who will treat us so much better and truly love us. I continually pray to let go and let God handle this, he will take care of me. I remind myself of that and that he won't make a mountain I can't climb. There is something greater in store for us, I promise, and I completely believe that.

You gotta hang in there, and be strong. Keep in mind there is nothing you can do to change his mind, so we can move on with our head up and with some grace and dignity. Your last email was sincere and kind and you got coldness back. You know if he was encouraging at all, or inviting, or even nice, that it would be a dim light for you to hold on to more hope. Thank goodness he didn't for your own well being. Trust me, I do the same. My ex still has me in his contacts list on msn and that little knowledge runs circles in my head, wondering why he doesn't just delete me. I've deleted him a hundered times, and added him back. OH how silly I've become, and downright obsessed. When I think about the fact that I've pined for this man longer than we were ever together, then I shake my head and think, this is really enough. let it go. Even writing it out here is theraputic, because on paper, add it all up, it is really ridiculous.

Hugs to you, I hope I helped by rambling about how I've gone down a lonely path chasing a man who never could love me. I'm making my way back to loving me and expecting more, you can too. Write here whenever and everytime you feel sad. Just getting it out brings perspective. We are all here for each other!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:53am

Good question. This is a long explanation and this took place for almost 2 years--so please bear with me.

I met him thru a mutual friend. We hung out and found ourselves attracted to each other. One thing led to another and I lost my virginity to him. I was 25 at the time (now turning 27 soon). I was always adamant about losing my virginity to just anyone--I wanted it to mean something--wanted it to be special. But there was something so appealing about him, I just sound all my senses going thru the window. Anyhow he was freaked out about our situation and told me that he wasn't the one I should be with--I needed to be with someone who was going to give me what I wanted--he wasn't ready to get serious with anyone and just wanted to do his own thing. I was very proud of myself, I took it gracefully and told him I understand and thanks for being honest--although I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, I opted to take the higher road. I found out he was seeing someone else while he was with me. Months passed by and I guess him being my first, me not being able to grasp fully what went down, having all these feelings, emotions and unanswered questions, and honestly still wanting to be with him--I contacted him to see how he was doing and we starting hanging out again. I was always SCARED to ask him about us, about how he felt for me, about where this was leading because I was afraid he would run. So I went with the flow. There was never a title for us, but as time went on I finally see what is was--friends with benefits--f**k buddies. I thought I could handle just hanging out and hooking up but my feeling got the best of me and I was falling for him. We eventually agreed to date and take things slow, but after a couple of weeks he decided he wanted to be single, and so there I was again getting kicked to the curb. Please understand that all I wanted was to be with him--for us to get to know each other better. We are both very reserved individuals who tend to live in our shells, so we pretty much had a hard time openning up to one another and breaking down our walls. I tried so hard to connect with him on other levels, but sometimes felt that he kept me at arms length. So this is the second time I was dumped by him.

So I went on with my life for 6 months--no contact, no bumping into each other, always wondering how he was. And then in December it happened, we bumped into one another at a friends party and he just began talking like we were best friends--like nothing happened. There were no sadness, confusion, anger, resentment, we just had a great time hanging out and catching up on things and of course one thing led to another I was stayed with him for the night. He called later to tell me he wanted to see me before we both left for Christmas holiday. We were hanging out and he asked me to go away with him for New Years all expense paid for--he'll take care of everything. Well I already made plans to be in Montreal but was too excited not to take him up on his offer. SO we went had a great time, came back hung out had a great time, and then he did it again. This time without any word or explanation--he stopped calling, stoppped emailing, and choose to ignore me. And so I find myself being dumped by his for a third time!

I know, I must sound pathetic...I do feel like a complete ass--a fool. But I did what I did because that's how I felt at the time. And I do care a great deal for him and yes I will admit to it--I still wanted to be with him. Deep down I feel like we still have some unfinished business between us. So I did email him last week just to say hi and hoping he was well. But I feel like he wants nothing to do with me--friendship and otherwise and I just don't understand why. I made sure whenever he ended things it was amaciable. I didn't want us to hate each other...he was my first and he will always have a special place in my heart.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I guess I don't know what else to say other than I'm trying to move on and holding my head high.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 11:45am

Grace..your situation sounds like mine....we dated for 4 months and then we have been broken up for 4 months....but we have still talked and seen each other.. he said he wasnt dating someone else, but then I found out a couple of weeks he is.. he told me my PI work wasnt very good, since it took me a month to find out.. what an jerk huh?? Then he told me he isnt dating anyone....even though they have gone out to eat, plus stayed at his house.... I know this person does not know me... He has lied to me about somethings...

Over memerial day weekend, he didnt call from thur to tues.. then on tues he asked what I did over the weekend, and I asked what he cared.... I feel like I get a step closer and then I step back.... I am leaving on a trip tomorrow and almost feel guilty for not telling him I am going out of town. the last time I went out of town and told him, he said "i dont care what you do." Memorial day has been the longest we handt talked...

I need the strength to not answer my phone while I am gone and not to call him. I am visiting my aunt.. so she is great suppport.

why am I so week to talk to someone who keeps saying things that hurts my feelings??? Why do I still care about someone who is such a jerk and disrespectful to me???? I think it is best not to talk to him while I am gone....but I need so much strength.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:06pm

Don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there at some point in our lives. And unfortunately we put these guys on pedstals blinding ourselves to who they truly are. Love sometimes blind us to the point where we cannot see the writings on the walls. It's difficult to accept the fact that they are not who we want them to be and we hold on to that single thread of hope that maybe they will eventually come to their senses and see what a great girlfriend/companion/lover/friend we can be.

I think you should go on your trip and enjoy yourself to the fullest without thinking of him. Keep yourself busy. I know it hard, why do we love those you have done us wrong, why do we still want them....I wonder that myself for I am still in love with my ex even though he wants nothing to do with me. I think as time passes it will heal all wounds. I understand what you are going thru and so do others here.

Be strong. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:32pm
Hey kitt, she's right, we become almost indifferent to the pain they cause us and keep going back for more! Mine absolutely makes me weak in the knees, and when he calls on my phone, my heart literally skips a beat... still. I've successfully missed so many calls from him and felt empowered, but I've also answered many more times and let him in where he could be hurtful. Definitely be strong. Just let it go to voicemail, be too busy. It drives them crazy. And you don't owe him an explanation to where you are or what you are doing... you are too busy to care what he thinks. You are going to have such a good time that it slips your mind the thought of whats-his-face. lol It's time, lots of time, with not talking to him. IF he won't give you a real relationship, and thats what you want from him, then stay away. Don't settle for his charm and half-a$$ friendship. Remind yourself if you talk to him, he's just going to hurt your feelings. This is for your own good. Your gonna be ok, promise!
Hugs,
Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: hema7778
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 1:02pm

Thanks for the support. I will be with my aunt.. and she will be good support. I often ask why would I want to talk to him...because he keeps saying smart comments to me that he knows it hurts me and to pull my chain so to speak. Or he wants us to hook up and just talk to me so his foot is still in the door. I guess I am too nice and am worried about him being mad or something, but I have to not worry about this feeling and put me FIRST. I have always been a giver....and that is made me into a doormat.

I thought about writing up a list of reasons why I shouldnt talk to him or return his calls...so if I have the urge to do so, I read that and remind myself how he has treated me and how he has disrespected me so much.. if I cry, I cry, but it would be better and calling!!

I guess I am disappointed in myself that I have let him take such control over my emotions and feeling. I am an independent women.. own my own house, car and have a good job, and finiancially ok (not in cc debt). I dont need a man to support me to put a roof over my head...and I am way better off than he is and have my priorities staight as in paying for bills and such.... So why cant I be stronger??? I need to go from doormat to diva

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