Forgetting him.... (??)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Forgetting him.... (??)
11
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:06am

I have been working really hard on moving on and forgetting about my ex. It's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it's what I expected. That's also probably why I have been avoiding it, and just focusing on getting him back.

Well, I have decided that I don't want him back. I'm a better person when I'm not with him. But I keep on telling my self that he will eventually tell me what a huge mistake it was to leave me, and come crawling back. I can't get over the fact that he's over me.

Everyone keeps telling me that the best revenge is to be happy and lead a successful life. And it seems like as soon as you forget about somthing, then it comes back in your life. It makes me feel better to think that he may regret it one day.

Do I have problems for wanting this? And does it even work??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:34am

I am kind of in the same boat as you. I want my ex to realize what a horrible mistake he made, just as you want. But, if we live our lives waiting for that, it might never happen. When I went to therapy before, my therapist told me to write out a list of things to do instead of sit around and think about my ex. Take up a new hobby, watch a movie, do a puzzle, anything to not think of him.

I think it is normal to feel how you are feeling. I'm sure he is not going on with his life as if nothing happened. Guys just seem to have a different way of dealing with heartache.

Just focus on making yourself feel better and try not to worry about him. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:05pm
Let me know how it works out for you. I'm torn between letting him know how miserable I am without him or having him think that I've just moved on. I want him to know the door is open to us but I'm afraid he'll never be bothered to use it because he doesn't know its open. I feel like moving on is betraying him even though its what he told me to do. And now he's not talking to me so I too am convinced he's just forgotten all about me. And that just makes me so upset that he's just so gun ho about moving forward while I'm stuck in the same spot yelling for him to turn around he forgot me. I want him to be happy, but I'm afraid he'll be happy without me. I want him to realize he's making a mistake, but I'm afraid he'll think its not a mistake. And that revenge of having a happy successful life doesn't work for me because I don't want revenge. I just want him back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:19pm

You need to let go, your holding on a this is going to put you on a rollercoaster ride that will not end safely, it will crash. If not fair to either of you to hold on to something that you both know is not healthy.

You stated that you were a better person w/o him... well then why would you ever want ot go abck with someone who brings out the worst in you?

It's easy to hold on, feel guilty, question both of your motives etc., put your self to the challenge and demand happiness.

Stop palaying these games! Instead of holding on and wanting him to regret the breakup with you, end the game and get on with BEING YOU!

Some ideas:
Erase all memories, for now
Don't call
Don't pick up
Don't try to make him jealous (this just prolongs things and could end up bad!)
Surround yourself with friends adn family
Get energized
Write in a journal
Lastly, everything you want to call, e-mail, talk to him. Tell yourself... No, I'll wait ten minutes, and if i still want to call i will. Then think about how unhappy you are, adn chances are, you wont want to callhim!

Post back ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 1:27pm
i just want to second what someone else has already said -- one of the most important thing i've learned after the two and half year rollercoaster ride that was my relationship w/ my ex-bf was this -- restraint. when you feel the most out of control, the most destitute, the most emotionally overwrought, you have to almost put yourself outside of yourself (if that makes sense) and rationally think "this will pass, there is nothing i will gain from this guy that will make me feel complete, at least not for the long run." WAIT ten minutes, as was suggested. this philosophy has saved me from doing so many stupid, impulsive things; it is simply amazing how emotions can absolutely change a person and drive them to do things they wouldn't otherwise do...just remember, however good it might feel to talk to him, that temporary "fix", it would be just that -- temporary. spend some time to really think about yourself and the relationship and who you were in the relationship...it's tough but it's worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:09pm
I completely understand. You sound just like me!! I have had numerous people tell me that if your ex finds out that your happy and "ok" without them, that is the worst feeling for them. It may even get that person to realize what they lost and want you back, if thats what you want in return. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:52pm
Well at least we have each other! I know how you feel. I'm so confused about all of this. I just don't know what I want to do. I want to talk to him, but then I don't want to talk to him. I want him to be happy but I don't want him to be happy without me. I want to move on but I don't want anyone else. I hate being this wishy washy about stuff. I like having a plan. I liked the plan him and I had and now I have no plan. I can't even take this thing day by day. I'm like manic depressive. I'm terrible in the morning and really good in the afternoon and at night. Or I'm terrible in the afternoon and good at night. I hate this roller coaster! I want to get off now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:04pm

Hi Brooke_michelle,


::I can't get over the fact that he's over me.


Everyone heals at their own rate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:15pm
I can tell you I understand every second of your roller coaster and I am in the seat next to you. After my bf left me in January (unannounced and completely unexpected) I thought I was going to be ok. Recently, I've had a very difficult time handling my emotions. It's beginning to effect my work life which I am desperately trying to avoid.
The worst part? He works with me and I see him every day. Even worse? We were best friends before our relationship so I lost a friend and a bf. But the crying won't stop, the anger won't stop, the sadness doesn't stop, the sheer confusion doesn't stop and the helplessness doesn't stop either.
I've been working on keeping myself busy but it only works for so long. I want to talk to him and find out what he's thinking but he is acting like everything is fine. It's a relief to him that he doesn't have to love me anymore but where does that leave me? There is a constant pressure on my chest thinking about everything. And the hardest part is I'm losing myself to the complete and utter craziness I'm starting to feel. I'm obviously getting depressed again and that's not going to help anyone. I finally decided I needed to talk to someone that wasn't going to try to tell me what I wanted to hear.
I'll tell you what though. I don't ever want to deal with this kind of pain again. I have no idea how I'm going to get over it and I don't know how to stop feeling so crazy and obsessive.
If someone has an answer for that I'd love to hear it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:21pm

Hi nloomis - Try this:


Thought Stopping:


Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:


1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.


2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.


3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person... pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:08pm

Brooke_Michelle--
Trust me you are not alone here. We've all felt this way and many of us still do even after several months. It does get better and you'll have good days and bad days (or moments).

I posted a few weeks ago saying pretty much the same thing and I will think it sometimes. He broke my heart back in January and left my heart and jaw laying on the ground. Finally I decided to pick it up and try to move on at least emotionally. It breaks my heart but he was seeing someone 2 wks after we broke up and to be honest I don't know if he was seeing her before that or not. He say she wants me to be happy and will always be there for me... blah blah blah! Well ya know what, I don't really want him to be happy (at least not until I am :~) and yeah I want him to call me and tell me not to move back to NY with my family b/c he's made the biggest mistake of his life and he just can't live with out me. BUT, and this is a big but, this is not going to happen, and the more time I have to think about it I'm realizing that it's probably not the best thing if it did. I'm not saying that I would say no b/c I know me better than that and I'm not that far enough into my "recovery" period but in time I know I'll get to that place.

I don't call him and only answer his calls once in awhile b/c the more i answer the more upset I am when I hang up the phone. We need to stop wanting for them to call and start wanting for us to move on.

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