Forgive or Forget?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Forgive or Forget?
8
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:36pm

Any of you who may have read my early messages might remember that my GF of 2 1/2 years told me that she had fallen out of love with me last Sunday over the phone. However she still wants to continue to see me and does not want either of us to date others. We have been talking and e-mailing all week. We are planning on spending the weekend together camping at the beach. She say's she doesn't know how she feels or why. She has been under a lot of stress and part of that has been trying to please me, but knowing I'm not happy with the amount of time we spend together. I have pressured her some and said things that have made her feel bad. I have told her things that I shouldn't have, not mean but probably manipulative.
She told me she doesn't think she will ever be able to make me happy or maybe anyone else.
She was in a 19 year marriage that was unhappy for many years. She and I have both been divorced for about 4 years. We have spent almost every weekend together and have had many great times. But it has always been difficult for me because I have wanted us to live together or see each other at least occasionally during the week. For a variety of reasons this has not happened.
My ? is this, can or should I forgive her? I would never say I have fallen out of love with you. We have been commited, we have both told each other that many times. She doesn't share her innermost feelings very often and I do. I have seen her slipping away emotionally for a while now. I chalked it up to the stress we have both been under particularly during the past 6 weeks or so. We have spent even less time together during these weeks because of a number of things going on. We have talked less because of it and our sevx life has been very limited. We have alway's had a very good sex life and that has really bothered me lately.
My tendency is to want to be patient and wait and see what happens but I don't know? I kind of feel like a chump that why should I? She has hurt me very deeply and I don't know if I can forgive, will this happen again sometime is it going to feel like the time is ticking?
She say's the way she feels is not my fault that this is her problem. I suggested that maybe she would benefit from counseling and she agreed. I'm not so sure she will follow through. She has something deep that she doesn't want to look at. Maybe I should just move on?
Hope someone responds to this as any thoughts would be appreciated.

Jack

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:46pm

Did she tell you that she didn't *mean* what she said? If not, why would you want to continue to be with someone who isn't in love with you?

I don't think it's in your best interests to continue to hang out with her hoping and waiting that she will fall back in love.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:47pm

Jack,

Your GF sounds unable to commit to you. She also sounds selfish. Telling you she's not in love with you but then expecting the relationship to continue as it has been is selfish and immature. I think you know this, which is why you're so torn.

All of this indecision on her part isn't fair to you. I think that after two and a half years you deserve to be with someone who loves being with you, who is willing to work on the relationship, and who values and needs intimacy. It sounds like you don't have that with your GF. I think as much as it will hurt you need to move on.

She sounds too confused and she really should't be this confused after all the time you have spent together. It sounds like you have always wanted more from her than she has been willing to give. She sounds emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy and it sounds like you have been blaming yourself for this by thinking that you expected too much from her. Don't fall into that trap.

If I were you I would tell her that you love her very much but at this point in your life you are ready to be with someone who can return your love without doubt and confusion. Since this doesn't seem possible with her right now, you're going to need to end the relationship.

Easier said than done I know ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:58pm
No she didn't she said she is just confused and doesn't know how she feels. I was going to see how this weekend goes and take it from there. I know I can't put up with this for very long but have a lot invested and don't want to through it away. If I feel badly this weekend I think I will probably tell her that I need to move on and that it would be better if she left now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:16pm

Thanks I needed to hear that. I think I will share these messages with her. She is selfish and your right. I am going to see how it goes this weekend and if I am not satisfied that we are making some progress I will ask her to leave. I don't need to spend 4 day's together feeling like crap.
I really appreciate your time and thoughtfulness. This board has really helped me a lot. I think that others are much more objective than I can be, my heart is involved and other input is very valuable. Two heads are better than one and the team always comes up with a better solution than any one individual, no matter how smart.

Jack

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:17pm

I'm going to share something with you that someone on these boards told me that helped me immensely. This is in regards to asking if you should just move on.

"Moving on doesn't mean that you don't still love her, or that you won't get back together one day, it just means that you're moving on with your life."

You can't waste your life waiting on her while she tries to figure things out.

Do whatever you feel is best. All relationships are different. Only you know if there is a possibility of her wanting you again.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 3:19pm

Thank you Amber.
I know it is ultimately up to me to make decisions about my life. I really appreciate your input and everyone elses. The feedback is valuable and usually confirms what I already know. It is good though, not to work in a vacumm, and that is why comments like yours are so valuable. I know these boards are advertised for women but some men are sensitive too. And it is great to hear the point of view of others. I know I deserve more but am having a hard time moving on, but I am willing, if that is what my gut tells me to do. I just don't want to act in haste. She has a lot of wonderfull qualities
Thanks so much for caring about me I need that more than you can know!!

Jack

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:00pm

Hey Jack, it's me again, ever the optimist :)


So I have a question for you:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:14pm

I don't know where you come from but I like you very much, caring, openminded and smart.
She is, I think, post menopausle. She is 49 I am 58. She has a very strong sex drive and is everything any Man could hope for. We and she have been going through a lot lately, personally and professionaly. I think I best take your advice and just chill for awile.
Her cat was hit by a car yesterday and this was just another added stress. The cat will be having surgery this afternoon. She is having lunch with her girfriends, probably talking about us. There is just no end to the complications we are currently facing.
She is selfish but so am I....

Jack