Four Year Relationship & Not Even a Call
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| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 10:35pm |
I'll try to keep this short. Been with this guy for four years. He has a lot of issues. His mother abandoned him when he was only five and his father was not very loving or home very much (because of his job). Any how, he is now 40, I am 42. We knew of each other in high school, but started dating four years ago. He is divorced (messy divorce, caught his wife cheating) and has a son. The relationship has been rocky. He has never really let me in. Will not move any further with the relationship, meaning no living together or marriage is in our future. Anyhow, a week ago we were both in our home town (we went separately). He was on vacation with his son. His family was having their annual picnic, which I was NOT invited to. My b/f's excuse was that he wanted to spend time with his son. Now I went last year. There are at least 50 people there and my b/f spent barely any time with his son. In fact, he was drunk and didn't even remember much of the day. So back to the invite or non-invite. He said he wanted to spend it with his son, I told him it was a BS excuse. He said he didn't want to talk about it and hung up on me. That was over a week ago. I have not heard a peep from him since. Now don't get me wrong, I want him to spend time with his son, but he can't see us both at the same time???
Many other things have happened t/o the relationship that are not good. Treats me like his enemy. Will not discuss emotions to save his life, even if we are discussing my emotions. I am trying to look at this as a good thing. I cannot constantly try to keep his morale up and mine at the same time. He is the most negative person I have ever met. I've tried to help him with his abandonment issues, but he claims he has none.
I guess I am just looking for some words of wisdom and support. At times I feel as though I am letting him down, that I should have tried harder. But then I think how two weeks ago I asked for some emotional support (I was just told my job would be disolved in a month) and all he could say was something perverted. I mean I was telling him I was crying everynight and all he could say was something too explicted to repeat.

I hate to break it to you, but what you were in wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at all. It seems pretty clear to me that you were either his mom, or his hated ex-wife replacement.
A relationship implies that there is a give and take and it seems predominantly a give give give from you without a return. The therapy issue is just a cover. If he has so many issues and wants to make it work with you....why hasn't he put himself in therapy? I am CERTAIN you've brought this up with him.
Your job seems to be the first BIG crisis you need to lean on him for...and he's sitting around joking about it with his perverted sense of humour? Can you imagine in 10 years? If you parents pass away (if they haven't already), you get gravely ill or are hit by a car? Are you getting my drift here? This is not the only crisis you'll ever have in your life, but if he can't be supportive for this ONE STUPID THING THAT YOU NEED HIM FOR...what is going to happen when you REALLY need him?
I'm not trying to belittle your love. Sometimes a person's commitment and love to someone who is ultimately unworthy blinds them to things that are obvious to everyone else. The fact that you've typed up his problems here shows you aren't casting a blind eye, just afraid to move.
Advice: drop him. It hasn't been a four year relationship for him (hurts, but I have to say it) because he hasn't learned to cherish and respect you. Support: you don't need any. If you can find it in yourself to support this man for 4 years, you have MORE THAN ENOUGH strength to leave him the dust, pull yourself up, and find someone better. Keep us updated
cheers
Susanna
Welcome to the board goodjwitch,
I can tell you are upset and hurt by his behavior, but I gotta say, this doesn't sound like a healthy or happy relationship.
My best suggestion is that you seek counseling for yourself to help you work on your self-esteem and your co-dependent issues.
Reading material to consider:
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Hi Carrie,
Thanks for your post. I appreciate it. I've read the co-dependency book five years ago after another breakup with a drug addict Why do you feel it applies here? Thanks.
This part:
I've tried to help him with his abandonment issues, but he claims he has none.
You probably won't like this but here goes:
The second part of the title is How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.