Friday pseudo-date - need advice
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| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:24pm |
We broke up 4 months ago after 2 years, I left him. Nasty, ugly breakup (all his fault, hundreds of internet strangers have weighed in and agree). No contact for 3 months. He calls, out of the blue, a month ago, we chat about nothing. We chat again, he suggests we get together on a Saturday for dinner/drinks. We fight, and both cry, and talk/email all Saturday night and all day Sunday. End of the day Sunday, we both exchange the "I don't want to fight anymore, it's done, let's be friends." Last use of the "friends" word. Then, we make plans to get together the following Friday for dinner and a movie (I suggest we see the Michael Moore movie sometime, he suggests Friday night + dinner). We flirt all week. Dinner/movie goes well, probably too well, we were flirty and he was very fidgety in the movie, and it was too much like old times. I resolve to reinstate NC (after an intervention here). Wednesday he calls out of the blue to say he's going to doctor, has terrible headaches, needs an MRI, turns out he has high BP. No contact over last weekend. On Sunday, wracked with PMS and a basket case from working 7 days a week, I responded to a text message from him to my phone saying that he'd bought a car by saying "Congrats on car. Missed you this weekend." Within about 10 seconds of pressing send, he was calling, and he said he couldn't type fast enough to respond so he wanted to talk. But we didn't *talk,* you know, it seemed like the "missed you" comment galvanized him but he chickened out about discussing it. So, anyway, somehow it came up that he hasn't seen my new house, so I suggested a tour. Friday night. That's where we are now. He has emailed to confirm the "house tour" tomorrow, and to ask when he should arrive. I suggested 6:30-7.
Now, call me dense here, but what is he expecting from this "tour of the house" on Friday night? Because (you can all yell at me here), I've been fantasizing about sex with him all week. I know what I have in mind. Now, I've also been thinking of all the reasons we don't work as a couple, and how I don't want to be back with him. But I want to wrestle him to the floor and hold him hostage at my place all weekend, you know? We had wicked chemistry, and still do. I'm not committed to taking him back, I might consider it (but he hasn't actually suggested it, so let's not jump the gun). Neither of us have discussed either friendship or something more in about 3 weeks now, we just keep doing these Friday or Saturday night things and talking comfortably, I can't tell if he's thinking just friends or angling for something else.
Setting aside what either of our long-term plans/hopes/dreams might be (or whether it's a good idea to think of him in the long-term), let's talk short-term. What is he thinking will happen tomorrow, all alone in my new house, on Friday night? Is he expecting a brief tour, then to leave and head out for the night on his own? It's a 40 minute drive from his place to mine, I assume he's not willing to drive out literally just to look at the place and then leave, but I don't know, he could have plans down by my place for later. If we're just friends, maybe that would fit. Or maybe he expects to rent a movie and eat popcorn on the couch? A friend has suggested he's just lonely and looking for company, and Friday/Saturday is just the loneliest time, so maybe it's not a date-like event for him, just a way to avoid being alone. What do you think?
All of his messages are very neutral, aside from the flirty messages we exchanged a couple of weeks ago. I've forwarded them to friends, and no one can really tell what his tone is. On the phone, we have our familiar rhythms, old in jokes, we chat comfortably, but there is a slight edginess to it - is it teasing banter or hostility? I just can't get a read on him. I know what I want - him in bed, and maybe nothing more than that, because I am well aware of his failings as a boyfriend (but, seriously, I want just one episode of ex sex). I'm leaving for a short vacation on Saturday afternoon, I've had a rough couple of weeks, it's a bad idea but I want to, anyway. So, is that what he's expecting, too? Could anyone read "private tour of my house Friday night" as something other than "come over and let's play"? Your thoughts?

Good luck, Milton, you are sorely going to need it. I'm not going to say don't do it, just know that you'll be paying the consequences for a LONG time to come.
Sheri
I agree with Sheri. I think this is something you'll pay for in the long run. But it sounds to me like your mind is made up and all you want from him is mindless sex.
If I may ask you one question: How would you feel if you never heard from him anymore afterwards? Or if the next time you called him again, you'd find he had changed all of his numbers (cell, house, etc.)?
Just a little something you may want to think about.
Heymum
I've read a few of your posts but haven't responded before....
Based on what I've read in the past, it really seems that you are still in love with your ex. Sooo...in my opinion this date/possibly sex scenario is just dragging things out more for you. It seems like he may be open to the possibility of getting back together (which would solve the problem, temporarily), but you've already described how awful he has been to you, on more than one occasion.
I've been in your shoes and I know it can be really hard......sorry to use a cliche here but it seems like he is really "throwing you a bone". Whether you want to fall for it and accept *whatever* terms he is willing to accept is up to you......if it were me personally I would try to summon up the courage to get him out of my life completely - so that your feelings for him can subside and enable you to move on with your life.
Best of luck.....and let us know how it goes on Friday :)
Mel
He probably wants sex and company, why should he refuse if you have offered no resistance?. Instead what you really want is not sex, but his love and a stable relationship. It is not going to happen. If he was not capable of showing genuine love and respect for you during a two year relationship, he won't do it now.
I think that you are not ready to let it go, you are addicted to a destructive relationship. The problem goes deep down to your past, maybe it has nothing to do with this specific individual but to what he represents. You want to gain affection from someone who rejects you because this is the only way to prove that you are strong, mature and capable of conquering with your love someone's heart.
As any other addition, we have to touch the lowest level to recognise that there is a problem.
Iliana
I laughed while reading this! At least your honost! It sounds to me that deep down you really don't want to start dating him again. He probably wants to get together again, but if it was your idea to break up in the first place, he's not going to be the one to make the first move. I would really think twice about the sex thing unless you really want to get back together with him. Maybe he's up for the casual thing - who knows. I wouldn't spend so much time wondering what he wants, what do you want?
Basically - it's just important for you to know that if he's doing this with you - it's not because he admires, respects,appreciates and desires YOU as an individual. He views you as a source of gratification that he doesn't have to instruct as to how to please him. And if you want physical gratification only - it'll work, because you don't have to instruct him either.
But..there is no obligation...either to consider your needs, meet them, honestly communicate, or to repeat the performance. So you should get laid if that is what you want - relaizing that that is allhe's doing as well, you should use protect - he likes sex and wants great sex. He's likely had sex a few times with less "experienced with pleasing him personally" partners of late...you don't want to catch something fatal or at least uncurable.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I can't see any way that casual "ex" sex will truly be casual... there will be a price to pay no matter how you've got yourself convinced or how you've justified it...
I had ex-sex when my husband walked out on me 3 yrs ago... we ended up back together and bought our first house... now here I am today... 3 yrs later he walked out AGAIN! I am losing everything I had hoped and dreamed of all over again... going thru this pain twice for the same person is truly devastating and frankly a bit embarrassing. There is no going back now and I learned that I cannot be "friends" with him... far too many feelings despite how I convince myself that "I know better, he's not good for me, I'm a smart woman and can handle this"...
my advice? cancel this meeting and go out with some friends... have a few drinks and write him off... if he was a friend, a true friend, my guess is he wouldn't have treated you as he did during the relationship... another lesson I learned the hard way... none of my friends have ever treated me as poorly as I allowed my STB-X treat me...
good luck whatever you decide....I'll be thinking of you...