friend reopened my wound!! ARGH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
friend reopened my wound!! ARGH.
19
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:06am

when my ex and i were first friends and first started dating last year, he grew close to a few of my girlfriends... he's a very friendly and easy going person, and he thinks theyre great... in particular, he became really close to one of them - and in fact, used to hang out with her alone... however, after we broke up last summer, she stopped being friends with him as did all my other friends (except for one, but long and angry story there!)...

i used to love how he was so close to my friends - it really warmed my heart to know that he loved the people whom meant the world to me, and they valued him as well... but now, its not so great!!

with that friend in particular - he hasnt really hung out/talked to her since our breakup last year... he sent her a text message on new years this past january and that was just a few days before he opened contact with me... but aside from that, and aside from a few brief conversation here and there - they never resumed their friendship again...

however, today - he apparently sent her a message online and they started talking. she called me at one point and asks: "is it ok if i get him to help me with my computer??" (my ex is a computer guy) ... i didnt know what to tell her...

she says that all she wants is for him to help her set up her new laptop and that she has no plans to hang out with him beyond that. she says that she wont talk about "personal" stuff with him, etc etc...

see, if anything - she knows him best (aside from me).. in fact, she used to play the "mediator" role to our relationship last year... and i trust her... but i just dont know how i feel about her reopening contact with him as im sooo fearful that itll open a can of bad worms...

for example, what if hes dating someone new and tells her?? i wouldnt want her to keep it a secret from me - but if she tells me, thats just going to ruin me too!! furthermore, just the fact that hes contacted her has left me wondering all day... i feel like my hope is stirred up once more and im starting to think, "what if he actually does miss me??" "what if she can talk him out of his emotional issues??" and i KNOW this is not healthy for me!!!

when we broke up, i not only felt the need to have to close the chapter on him for good - but i felt like it was necessary for me to burn the BOOK ... ive stopped talking to all his friends as well - despite that one of them is actually a good friend of mine...but if hes in her life, in any shape way or form - then...my book isnt quite burnt!

i think ill "let" her get together with him just for the computer thing, but say no to anymore social time???

UGH - going nuts again ...
eeksj

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:44am

Tell your friend how you feel - you aren't comfortable with the two of them hanging out right now. She should respect that.

As for stirring up hope - you have to KNOW that he misses you. Of course he does. But that doesn't mean he is ready to have a committed relationship. Your friend is not going to be able to "talk him out of his emotional issues." Even if she could get him to realize he made a mistake (which he probably already knows) he needs to address his own issues with a professional to really work through them, otherwise he is just going to repeat the same pattern over and over.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who can help her with her computer - no need to bring him back into her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:02am
I totally agee with purpleshoes, but I would not be as kind about the friend. Every girlfriend should KNOW, no questions asked, that you don't purposefully remain friends with a guy who broke your best friend's heart. um,...........no. What kind of friend is she to even ask you about that? I mean it's one thing if she accidentally runs into him somewhere and is nice and civil to him, but to chat with him and actually have him come into her house? whether he's a good guy or not, I think she HAS to know that that is going to put you in a painful position, unless she's kind of dense. I'm kind of appalled actually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:20am

LOL "kinda dense", thats funny. Yes it's not necessary for her to hang out with, or get help from him *right now*. Maybe in a year or two when whats his face doesn't cross your mind. But I'm wondering what this guys deal is, still texting her? I guess he is clueless as well, knowing this is one of her close or even best friends? He should lay low from her and her friends, since he has sorta caused this mess.

I'm sure she wouldn't hurt you on purpose, but she shouldn't have said anything, IMO. I know my best friend is still close friends with my ex's roomate... and she told me something the other day that she had known months ago... (if I had known then, it would have just ate at me, and basically hurt my feelings.) It was info that I didn't need to know about his life and am so thankful that she didn't run to me to gossip about it at the time. Hearing it now, just confirms that I'm doing the right thing by moving along. Does that make sense?? Timing on this just isn't good for you, I hope they reconsider.
Hugs to you

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:08am

My gut reaction is that there is an ulterior motive here.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:15pm
Yes, I'm with both of you on this one definitely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:02am

OK - so ever since my friend brought up the whole ex thing yesterday ... its been driving me NUTS...

i trust her...as shady as it may appear, but i highly doubt she has any "intentions" with my ex... and vice versa too... BUT...im APPAULED at how she even has the adacity to want him to help her with her computer - given that she KNOWS the intensity of our relationship/breakup AND how i feel about him...

i mean, i understand how she wants computer help .. hec, i need his help too! ... but its really quite INSENSITIVE to even CONSIDER having him help her, let alone insiting that he should! ... :(

i feel like its one thing if they CASUALLY talk... a message online of "hey, hows it going, whats new with you? great, tty another time. bye" is sufficient! .. but GETTING TOGETHER??? thats taking it to another level!!! and beyond anything - her getting together with him - is definately opening a bad can of worms for me... :'(

i talked with her about it today, and she told me how she doesnt want to speak with him about "us" .. and at one point, this is what she said to me:
"i think the two of you have something really special, and you guys have the potential for something really great...and ive always known of his issues, and im the first person to say that how hes treated this breakup is just absolutely a shame - cause hes just walked off from something really good... but i dont want to speak with him about you or your relationship or the breakup at all because, not to soundy cocky, but i know i can probably make him realize his issues...and youve already hurt enough, i dont want to be responsible for him hurting you more.."

UGHHH!! wtf is that??? that completely irritates me for several reasons... i mean, i can understand why shed want to stay out of it...but if she does, then STAY OUT OF IT 100%!!... and i mean, if she thinks she can really make him see the mistake he made - then how is it her place to decide what will hurt me or make me happy?!

and THEN - she somehow slipped in that when he messaged her online yesterday, he asked her how i was, and said somethign like: "i miss her"...but then she said to him: "i dont want to talk about her with you." ... and now, knowing that he said he misses me - my hope has suddenly come back up and im back in the early stages of torment!!!

so all day - not only have i been thinking about him (which i do every day) ... but im HOPING... which is different from me REMINICING, which is what i used to do prior to this new event!!

ARGGGH... im going nuts again now...
needed to vent that out!
thanks :)
eeksj!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:56am

eeksj,

I think my opinion is quite different to everybody else. I believe that you do not have the right to tell your friends who they should or shouldn't be friends with. Your relationship wit your ex is over long time ago. Your friend is not your exclusivity, she does not belong to you, she is free to decide whether or not she wants to be friends with your ex. I find it an insult that you have to give her permission to do this.

It bothers you that they are in touch because you haven't yet moved on, you feel excluded from that relatioship. But that IS YOUR PROBLEM. It is neither your friend's problem nor your ex's problems. If you still find that any news about your ex will hurt you, then you must ask yourself what is keeping you from healing and moving on with your own life. You have to dedicate more time to think and try to find a way to move on, instead of wasting your energies thinking how to nasty is your friend (when she is not).
She is entitled to choose her friends. Just ask her politely that she should not tell you anything about your ex.

I still keep in touch with my ex's friends. But my ex's life is out of our conversation. As simple as that.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 10:19am
I think that's an extremely rare case where you can totally edit your conversations by leaving out the "ex".
The point I'm making is that you shouldn't have to "give permission" because a true friend would never put you in that position in the first place. THere are "ex boyfriends" and there are "ex boyfriends". In other words, you may break up with someone after dating and not really falling in love. In that case, you aren't really broken hearted and devastated. Since eeksj is still hurt and thinking about him after a year, she was clearly broken-hearted. This is a breakup that was more than just dating someone you have semi-fond feelings for. I think that if her best friend understood this, she would not be so selfish. Yes, selfish. And then to read this ridiculous stuff about her saying she believes she can "fix" his issues??? Who knew who first??? WHere is the loyalty to your friendship?
Yes, iliana, the friend of course has free choice to be friends with whom she wants to- no permission needed. That's a fact of life. But just because we are free to do something, by no means makes it something we should do. We all have the right to cheat on our partners and we have the right to mistreat our friends, but does that make it okay?
I think eeksj needs to empower herself here and seriously look at the motives of this "friend". I smell a jealous chick who is either purposely or inadvertently jabbing her "friend" with whatever ammo she has and right now it happens to be the use of an ex. It totally sucks eeksj and I hope you teach her how to treat you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 11:25am

"and now, knowing that he said he misses me - my hope has suddenly come back up and im back in the early stages of torment!!!"

I'm sure he does miss you. After such a long relationship, it would be odd if he didn't. But missing someone and wanting to be with them are too different things.

I would try not to talk to your friend about this anymore. You have told her how you feel, now its up to her to make the right decision. If you can put a little distance between you and this friend - at least temporarily, you won't have to hear about him when she lets things slip. I know you can't stop thinking about him, but knowing what he is doing, thinking, or saying just brings him back into your life and makes it harder to move on.

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 11:27am

Popeysgal...I agree with you 100%!

Photobucket

Pages