friend reopened my wound!! ARGH.
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| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:06am |
when my ex and i were first friends and first started dating last year, he grew close to a few of my girlfriends... he's a very friendly and easy going person, and he thinks theyre great... in particular, he became really close to one of them - and in fact, used to hang out with her alone... however, after we broke up last summer, she stopped being friends with him as did all my other friends (except for one, but long and angry story there!)...
i used to love how he was so close to my friends - it really warmed my heart to know that he loved the people whom meant the world to me, and they valued him as well... but now, its not so great!!
with that friend in particular - he hasnt really hung out/talked to her since our breakup last year... he sent her a text message on new years this past january and that was just a few days before he opened contact with me... but aside from that, and aside from a few brief conversation here and there - they never resumed their friendship again...
however, today - he apparently sent her a message online and they started talking. she called me at one point and asks: "is it ok if i get him to help me with my computer??" (my ex is a computer guy) ... i didnt know what to tell her...
she says that all she wants is for him to help her set up her new laptop and that she has no plans to hang out with him beyond that. she says that she wont talk about "personal" stuff with him, etc etc...
see, if anything - she knows him best (aside from me).. in fact, she used to play the "mediator" role to our relationship last year... and i trust her... but i just dont know how i feel about her reopening contact with him as im sooo fearful that itll open a can of bad worms...
for example, what if hes dating someone new and tells her?? i wouldnt want her to keep it a secret from me - but if she tells me, thats just going to ruin me too!! furthermore, just the fact that hes contacted her has left me wondering all day... i feel like my hope is stirred up once more and im starting to think, "what if he actually does miss me??" "what if she can talk him out of his emotional issues??" and i KNOW this is not healthy for me!!!
when we broke up, i not only felt the need to have to close the chapter on him for good - but i felt like it was necessary for me to burn the BOOK ... ive stopped talking to all his friends as well - despite that one of them is actually a good friend of mine...but if hes in her life, in any shape way or form - then...my book isnt quite burnt!
i think ill "let" her get together with him just for the computer thing, but say no to anymore social time???
UGH - going nuts again ...
eeksj

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popeyegal,
You are giving the wrong advise.
eeksj is blaming her friend and her ex for her misery and sadness when in fact it is eeksj the only responsible of her well being. She needs to work on herself to find out why AFTER a whole year, she still feels affected by the whereabouts of her ex.
Everybody is pointing the finger to her friend and blaming her for being disloyal when in fact we should advise eeksj that she must move on with her life and stop thinking of her ex.
When we are hurt we think that everybody (friends and family) should see our misery and please us, when in fact everybody is living their own life and have their own worries. We become too selfish to see this and we get upset when we don't get the attention we would like to have.
There is nothing wrong with her friend's attitude and if they even start a relationship, it is none of eeksj's business anymore. It might hurt her, but her ex is free to have any girlfriend as well as her friend is free to choose him as her boyfriend. Of course this is not the case.
I think we are too selfish to realise that the world does not move around us.
With your comments you think you are helping her but you might be just helping her to dig a deeper hole. The truth is hard but she must take responsability of her pain and don't blame others for it.
iliana
Ok, nice debate here. I misunderstood the time frame here and now that I realize the breakup is fresh, I'm even more adamant about what I wrote before. Wow, what a trip. I will refrain from giving "advice" because I don't feel I can tell eeksj what to do. I am merely making suggestions and asking her to look and ask herself some questions. I can't even fathom one of my best friends doing something like that after a breakup- it's because they love me. If they were to do something like that to me, however, it would no longer be a friendship I could value or trust. But that's just me.
Iliana, I'm all for people taking responsibility for their own actions and not relying on others to cater to our every whim, which seems to be what you are implying I'm saying. Not at all. eeksj has a couple of choices here she can make-
1. continue with the friendship and just ask the "best" friend not bring up her developing relationship with her ex. she would have to weigh the risks here.
2. give the friend an ultimatum so to speak. weigh the risk here.
Either way, it's going to be a painful decision- and how horrible to have to make a painful decision brought on by a "best" friend when eeksj is ALREADY emotionally fragile. Getting through a breakup (fresh) is bad enough without a "best" friend exacerbating it.
I still stand by what I said about the awkwardness of knowing your best friend is having a relationship of any kind with someone who broke your heart and you're supposed to just "ignore" that subject??? In therapy, they call that the white elephant in the room. If you are familiar with that, it means that there's this huge white elephant in the room (an issue or problem) and it's huge and yet everyone in the room tries to pretend it's not there. It's unhealthy.
I think eeksj is lucky to be getting all of our different perspectives on this one. Ultimately, she is the one who has to look inside herself to figure out what will work for her.
This girl is a meddler. She may not have an bad intentions, she may not "be after" your ex, whatever, but I'm a 100% certain that she's a meddler. She was a "mediator" between you and your ex? She still wants to involve him in her life (fix her computer? puh-lease. that's so lame. I'm sure there are lots of ppl who can fix it. why him?). She could "make him see his mistakes"? Um....blegh. From what you've said, I think her modus operandi is involving herself with the two of you (or get herself into your drama, whatever) to boost her own self-esteem and make herself feel a bit more important. Meddler.
Although Iliana is indeed correct that you cannot force or make someone do something, I think it is ABSOLUTELY within your rights to tell this friend that you would appreciate it, for your own mental and emotional well-being, if she just didn't involve herself with your ex right now. Having him in HER life, means having him in YOUR life to a certain degree b/c she also is a part of your life. And your contact, or lack thereof, with your ex needs to be on your own terms right now. As your friend, she should be able to understand and respect that. You're not setting rules, you're only letting her know your boundaries...there's a HUGE difference. If she doesn't respect those boundaries, then...well, then, it's up to you to decide what to do with her b/c respect for the other person's boundaries is a large component of ANY relationship.
thank you everyone for their input!! i absolutely appreciate you all taking that few minutes from your day to give me your two cents ... :)
the whole thing just BOTHERS me... and quite frankly, i think i have every "right" to be irked. my ex and i just broke up a little less than two months ago, and this isnt just "some" guy i dated...rather, this is the ONE man who i saw futures and futures with, and the one relationship that has SHATTERED my soul...
personally, i dont think my friend HAS to ask HIM for help... but apparently she feels the need to... and even though he may not "directly" be in my life - but if hes in hers, even minutely - he becomes a part of my life "indirectly."
since she told me about him messaging her, and how she wants his help, and how he told her he misses me...its already reopened my wound... in the last two days, instead of just "reminicing" about him (which is all ive been doing these last few weeks) - i find myself now "hoping" for him...
it just sucks. it realllly does. he meant sooo much to me; i didnt just love him... i truly ADORED him beyond words... i even loved the way he washed his sink .. :( .. im trying sooooooo hard to just move on and feel 100% complete again, but its been so hard to not only close my chapter on him - but burn my entire book...
and furthermore, i feel bothered by how shes not only made it just that much more harder for me to move on with my life... but how shes "compromised" our friendship... i dont want to have to "doubt" her intentions, or set boundaries with her .. because in my opinion, a great friendship shouldnt have to endure any of that at all ... but it literally blows me to think that its ok for her to so much as put me at "risk" - all for the sake of him...someone who shouldnt precede my friendship with her...
i cant stand knowing how he says he "misses me," ..even though i know on a logical level it means absolutely nothing - it still breaks my heart nonetheless. and i hate knowing that hes still "out there"... it makes me realize how close he is, yet so far out of reach from me...
BLAH :(
eeksj
and furthermore, i feel bothered by how shes not only made it just that much more harder for me to move on with my life... but how shes "compromised" our friendship... i dont want to have to "doubt" her intentions, or set boundaries with her .. because in my opinion, a great friendship shouldnt have to endure any of that at all
You already are doing that...how "GREAT" of a friendship is it?
Honestly, I wouldn't want a friend that did that to me and I would NOT trust someone who did not have MY best interests at heart...
She honestly doesn't!
I'm also wondering, by connecting two of of your threads, if this girlfriend is one of those who stood you up on your birthday this weekend?
she wasnt there for my birthday last night ... but her excuse was that she was out of town...
BLAH - i wish hed dissapear... i wish my friend wouldnt torture me so (even if its not intentional!)...
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