friends after?
Find a Conversation
friends after?
| Mon, 10-08-2007 - 2:39pm |
The age old question of being friends after you break up...
Do you think that's what guys want?
| Mon, 10-08-2007 - 2:39pm |
The age old question of being friends after you break up...
Do you think that's what guys want?
Some of my exes I no longer know at all. Some are passing acquaintances. Some are friends. One is a dear, best friend.
It's always been important for me to have positive or neutral relations with exes after a split, and so far I've been successful. But time seems to bear out whether that means civility on chance meeting, happy friends, or close comrades simply by allowing enough time and distance and, if fact, not focusing on working the relationship toward anything at all. That way it always turns into the honest best it can be.
I agree with claudia_174 that the best way to let things happen is to not force the situation on way or another.
It's not necessary to remain friends with every ex, I've found. Life is okay without having to make every ex into a friend. I was married for nine years, together 11, and I don't consider my ex-h to be a friend. I have no bad feelings or ill will towards him, but I don't need him in my life, and he doesn't need me in his. Life is good without that. On the other hand, my most recent ex-boyfriend and I, him being the reason I came to this board originally a year and a half ago, he and I are quite good friends now. The person I talk to the most regularly is him, the person I see the most is him, for whatever reason, we continue to seek out each other's company. Basis for that is simply this: we like each other. We respect each other and because of that, we give each other the space that sometimes we need that other times we can't find the words to ask for.
Here's the trick: don't try and don't push. By that I mean, don't try to create the relationship you want to have happen, let it unfold naturally however it will, and sometimes, that means unfolding into nothing. That's ok. It's hard, though, I will tell you that, and also it requires a ton of patience from you for you both. By don't push I mean don't try to make it happen right away. It's obvious to me from his actions that he feels some pain from the breakup which is totally normal and as the "friend" you're professing to want to be, you should respect his need and your need to take time away to heal from the wounds of this. Friends would do that for each other, right? Yes, they would.
Your whole post is about what you want, and while on the boards, you hear a lot about "what about your needs and what about what you want yadda yadda yadda," in the real world of relationships, many times you have to think of what the other person needs first, regardless of what you want.
So give the ex his space, and believe me that when the time is right, the planets, moon and stars will align to bring you together as friends IF that is the best thing for BOTH of you. In the meantime, get busy on making yourself happy again.
I wrote this from the perspective of my friendship with my ex, it should help:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=23864.1
All the best,