Friends afterwards....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Friends afterwards....
7
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:19pm

So my ex and I have been split for over 3 months now. We have just recently in the past few weeks made steps towards becoming friends again...

He is now telling me that he loves me, wants to be with me, spend time with me, but he DOESN"T want to get back together - yet he still wants to be friends w/ benefits.

I told him this isn't what I want. I want to still be friends, but I can't just sleep with him, fool around with him, spend my weekends with him wihtout him committing to a relationship.

He was upset and now I feel guilty. I KNOW i shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. Could you just give me a pep talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:51pm
GOOD FOR YOU!! You sooo did the right thing to take care of yourself and your emotional well being. I know exactly what you are saying as my ex did the same thing and I turned his invitation down then second guessed my actions. It was extremely hard to do but I knew I wouldn't respect myself if I let him do that to me and likely have him hurt me all over again. I'm not sure if he's the one that broke up with you but I know when mine broke up with me I was devastated beyond words and every time he made contact my spirits lifted and I'd feel whole again filled with hope...then I'd realize it wasn't because he wanted to get back together and I'd be back in pain all over again. Everyone kept advising no contact and I can see why. You should be proud of yourself for your decision!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:06pm

HI MALENA,

YOU DIDN'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM? THE REASON I'M ASKING IS BECAUSE IF YOU DO - YOU MIGHT GET HURT AGAIN!

I ONCE HAD A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS, BUT WE WERE NOT IN LOVE - SO IT WAS COOL- HOWEVER, I REMEMBER ONE TIME WHEN MY EXBOYFREND TRIED TO DO SAME THING YOUR EX. IS DOING.

I TOLD HIM THAT IF I AGREED TO BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS - I WAS NOT RESPECTING MYSELF AND IF I DIDN'T RESPECT MYSELF - THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS GOING TO DO IT (RESPECT ME).... HE AGREED! AND FORGOT ABOUT THAT CRAZY IDEA (I THINK)

BUT THEN AGAIN, THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE "WE WERE IN LOVE".

I REALLY, REALLY DON'T THINK IS A GOOD IDEA... ... IN MY PERSONAL OPINION YOU ARE PUTTING YOURSELF ON A VERY HIMILLATED POSITION, - IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE WORTH? OR YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT?

THINK ABOUT IT! SERIOUSLY!

GOOD LUCK!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:32pm

Malena, the angry face is at HIM, not you!!!

He's being a selfish pig, not caring at ALL about YOUR needs and feelings, and YOU feel guilty???

You really need to cut off all contact with him. He is toxic to you. Why would you even WANT to be platonic friends with someone that selfish?

Have you considered counseling to figure out why standing up for yourself makes you feel guilty?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:50pm

Malena, sweetheart trust me you do not need this jerkoff in your life. He wants his cake and eat it too. Don't not let him believe that he has it like that. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You DESERVE to be with someone who will treat you a lot better. Who will want to be with you in all aspects of a relationship NOT only for the sex. Two thumbs up for you for telling him that this it just not your cup of tea. You will only be hurting yourself in the long run if you put yourself in this situation. Walk away and don't look back, it will be the best thing you ever did for yourself. You need to be with someone who will respect you and treat you like you want to be treated.

Seriously I was in a similar situation where I was just a friend with benefits and it took it's toll on me. I was madly in love with him but he never wanted to be in a relationship with me. I went along believing that I could handle such a situation but I just dug myself a deeper hole. I fell for him and he kept me at arm's length. After all was said and done, I felt used and horrible. I was disappointed in myself for not putting my foot down.

Cut him off, I know it will hard to do because I am sure you love him, but please don't go for this. Take all the time you need....it will get better.

Hugs to you. We're all here for you. Post as many times as you need....we're here to help.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 6:16pm

Whoa!

This guy tells you that he doesn't want to date you and that he doesn't love you... but gosh-darn, he sure would like to keep scr*wing you...

And he gets upset when you say no?

AND you feel guilty?????

Honey, he doesn't want to be your friend - he wants to get laid. Tell him to jerk off and leave you alone.

He doesn't want to be your friend... he just hasn't gotten laid since the breakup and you're the easiest bet he's got.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 7:04pm

Put your feelings before that of your former partner's, and remind yourself of how you felt when he told you he wanted all of the benefits of a relationship... but not a relationship with you.

You don't need to feel guilty - you need to feel proud of the fact you were honest about what you wanted. And if that leads to a guilt trip from your 'used to be my boyfriend now he isn't but he sill wants all of the benefits of a relationship but not to be my boyfriend again', you are best to cut your losses short and move on, lest you be hurt all over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 12:47am

MEN SUCK.

Angie