Friends with an Ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Friends with an Ex?
8
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:00am
Hi, I would love to hear some views on this...

I dated a guy for about 6 months...it was great at first but as time went on, we realized how not right for each other we both were. But we enjoyed each other's company so much and had a lot in common so neither of us broke it off...we just kinda backed off. Only problem with that was that at times we would get close and it would confuse us...mostly me. Also, he was still into his ex and although he was honest about most of it, it just messed things up.

So...about two months ago...I told him I needed a break and he called back two days later and said let's just take a break forever. That really hurt, although he was right...it was best to just make a clean break. For the past two months, it was horrible at first...I went from talking to him everyday...even though I knew he just wasn't into me and I wasn't really all that much into him either...to never talking to him again. It was awful!!! After a month or so, I started to get over him and sent him a "good-bye" card and started to live life again.

Well...he called me last week. We went out to dinner last Sunday night and again last night...he's helped me around my house so much...hung up pictures, fixed a light, fixed my tv remote, etc. He's always been great at that stuff and he loves doing it. Nothing has happened between us since we've gone out again...and it's only as friends now. I like it a lot. I think I can have a friendship with him...especially because his life is exactly the same as it was two months ago...same crap with his ex, etc. I'm SO not into getting involved again because I want to meet someone who's perfect for me. I just am really glad that we're friends again and spending time.

So...what do you think? My friends say that I'm crazy...that we'll become physically involved again and that I'm stupid to think that we can just be friends. I think we can. Yes, there is an attraction there...how could there not be?? But I don't want anything more because I was so hurt before. Can we just be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:55pm
I think only you can honestly answer that question. I can only give you the reasons why I could not be friends -- in the sense of hanging out together -- at this point.

I still have deep feelings for him and know that seeing him would just flare up those feelings.

I am pretty certain that after all of these months there still is a strong physical attraction to me on his part. Dangerous waters as far as I am concerned as I might not have the willpower to resist and I am not doing the 'friends with benefits' deal with him.

I can't disassociate the friend from the lover. To me he was one and the same and I just can't compartmentize those two aspects. I can't think of him as being my friend without thinking of him as my lover.

I am in no way ready to hear about any relationship or dating he has been involved with.

I would over-analyze every word or action on his part as I am still too emotionally attached.

I am able to keep in touch through email every now and then. Honestly, it would be nice to have someone to see a movie with or grab a bite to eat with on occasion -- but I know in the end it would not be in the best interest of my emotional health.

take care

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:54pm
It *is* possible to become friends with an ex...but only if both of you no longer have any romantic feelings for each other. The test: if he confided in you that he and his ex had gotten back together, or that he'd met a great new woman he was really falling for, would you be totally ok with that? If not, you're not ready to be friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:09pm
Thanks for the advice...it's very good. I had to think about a lot of what you guys said and I think that if he was dating someone that I didn't know and was totally into her, that would bother me but I could deal with it cuz I really just want a friendship with him after being hurt so bad. I guess the main thing is that the girl that he was hooked on before and after we were dating is really screwed up. He knows that she isn't good for him but for some reason he feels like he needs to help her. It's all so sad that when he talks about it, I'm not jealous at all. I know that she's really got issues and that so does he for trying to make it work. It's a mess and I feel for both of them in that department. Yes, I still am attracted to him and yes I really care about him, but I don't want to be in that mess again. I think that it's ok to remain friends right now...don't you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:20pm
Welcome to the board!! And to answer your question...YES you CAN be friends!! Take it from me...I'm living proof you can be friends with your ex!! You guys did it right....you took time to get over one another and are now trying the friendship thing.....you know the good and bad about him and I think you can be great friends!!

I'll tell you a little bit about my situation with my ex. I talked to him for a good 6 months before I'd even go on a date with him...so we knew each other really well. We went on our first date and had a great time so we became exclusive shortly after. We dated for about 6 months. We had a great relationship and we never fought...we were just really good together. Then one day I called him at work and he was in a grouchy mood and as soon as I got off the phone he sent me a break-up email!!! I was so mad because we had just got off the phone and I couldn't understand why he couldn't have told me on the phone. Anyway we talked a few times and his excuse for ending things was that he was working so much and he was going to have his son for the summer (like always) and he didn't have enough time to give me the attention I deserve. I thought at the time that it was a pretty lame excuse. We knew we wanted to be friends but didn't know how. We took a month or so without talking or anything and one day out of the blue he called and we started a friendship. We tell each other every thing and I couldn't imagine my life without him. It's so great to have a friend that knows me so well. And he has admited the real reason for ending things....he was unhappy with his life....he hated his job and where he lived even though his house was awesome!! He said he knew he would be moving away soon and he has no faith in long distance relationships...and sure enough he did move shortly after the break-up but we still keep in contact. He has told me that breaking up with me was one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made but we've both moved on and he's planning to come visit me and meet my bf.

So I have faith that if you both really want a friendship....you can have one!!

Good luck and keep us posted!!












Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 3:14pm
Yes, I think we can be friends too...but it's tough at times. I guess that I have to realize that I'll never be completely over him but that's ok. I can still have a friendship because I'd rather be friends and have feelings of awkwardness or frustration once in awhile than never talk to him again...know what I mean? Of course, it would be ideal if I was totally over him and could just keep things strictly to a friendship level in my mind, but that can't happen right now. Last night he called and he was on his way to his house where he was meeting this girl that he is still totally into. But he's always telling me how lousy she is for him and how he's so frustrated with her all the time. Does he tell me that so I'll stay friends with him? I have no idea. It did bother me but I got over it pretty quickly because I just told myself that I deserve better and having him for a friend is all I want. That is true...feelings come and go...but ultimately, getting involved with him again is a terrible idea!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 6:45pm
You might want to hold off a little more before trying the friendship thing...it sounds like you're feelings are still pretty strong. But if you insist on trying now....now might be a good time to right out a detailed list of all the reasons you *DON'T* want to get involved with him and if you start getting feelings like you want to be with him....read over the list....as many times as you need to. You might also keep in mind that if you're trying a friendship when you're feelings are still strong.....you need to grow a thick skin because her are pretty likely to get hurt....especially if he starts getting really serious with someone he really likes. Good luck and keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 12:30am
Hi. This is a great question. I suspect a lot of people will warn you against it. Some may say back off until there are no emotions there. I say, go for it. Only YOU know if you are into the guy as more than friends. As long as you are getting something from the friendship, and aren't getting used. Who knows, after some time has passed, perhaps something above friendship will transpire. Just don't be his rebound!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:53am
Yes, I agree...although I know why people say that you should be totally over the person before you try the friendship thing with them. How do you know until you try? And if you're not totally over them, is that so bad? I know for me, I get upset over every little thing that doesn't go my way with him...but that's my fault and my insecurity. For example...we have plans to go see a movie tomorrow night. He said he'd go see Alfie with me...and I know he really doesn't want to see it...it's a chick flick. I suggested something else and he said no, it's ok...he'd go see what I wanted to. I thought that was very nice and had we still been in a relationship, I'd have known he meant that he was trying to let me know that I was important to him and that he was giving up what he wanted to see to please me. But now we're not together so I know it doesn't mean that anymore...but I still think it might...know what I mean? It's not like I get my hopes up because I know that we won't get back together...I don't want to go through it all over again. It's great being in contact with him again but I just need to get my feelings settled! It's only been a little two weeks since we started talking again, so I'm sure it will take some time.