friends with ex's friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
friends with ex's friends?
3
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 8:12pm
I was wondering what people think about being friends with your ex's friends.

My ex broke up with me over 3 months ago, we haven't seen or contacted eachother since. My situation is that I just moved back last year for work and to come back to Canada, and of course to be with him, and so many of my friends here are through him. I asked him when we split if he minded if I saw a few of them, the ones i was close to. He said no, so I did.

But I did want to make sure that he didnt feel like i was invading his social circle, so I steered clear of larger get togethers and only saw one female friend (one on one) and another couple because I am very close with their one-year old. I did not spend tons of time with them, again, acknowledging that I need to make my own friends too, and also not wanting to fall into the trap of wanting to hear tidbits about him. So i saw them once in awhile and we emailed. They were great during the breakup and helped a lot. But last month, around the time of my ex's bday, the female friend mentioned she went to a party for him (he turned 40). I was really upset, especially because i knew he was not being very social and was working tons and was depressed about turning 40. I even mentioned to her that she shoudl take him out for a drink, because he is messed up and i felt bad. So basically i was fine until i found out he was going on with his life, and wasnt' totally miserabel without me.

So I decided that maybe i should also do No Contact with the friends too. Because on some level i do want to hear things about him, but on another, only if he is suffering. I want him to be as miserable as I am right now. So i figured maybe it woudl be best if i don't have the option to hear anything for awhile. I really love these people but I think i do need this time apart from them too, in order to begin a friendship based on us, as opposed to me knowing their friend.

Does anyone have any experience with this?? Just wondering how they've dealt with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:11pm
Hi there

I do understand how you are feeling right now. It is a bit of a situation and I think the best thing to do for your own peace of mind is to take a break from seeing his friends as well. From my own experience I know that it is easier having NC with his friends for a while. Just after we broke up I was still hanging with OUR friends, but I just couldn't help myself but ask about him or somehow his name would come up in a conversation. After seeing them I would always walk away feeling upset and angry, so I stopped talking to them. They would call me and I would make excuses that I was really busy or whatever. But eventually I finally sat a couple of them down and explained why I was trying to avoid them. They understood me completely and said that I should call them when I am ready.

So no. Nothing is wrong with having no contact with your ex's friends for a while and if you just explain to them I am sure they will understand. After a while you will be able to start talking to them again, but right now I think you need a bit of time off and away from his "circles".

Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:22pm
it is tough to keep up those mutual relationships... I am still friends with many of our friends... because I do not consider them just HIS friends... many are people that we met together, but even if he knew them first or I knew them first doesn't mean that they don't like the other now... but it's hard sometimes because his name does come up. I NEVER ask about him (altho I have asked about the two pets that he took... I really miss them!)

I am not yet sure how I will handle big functions, like parties that I know he will attend... it would be incredibly difficult especially if he shows up with a date or is hitting on someone at the party... there is a wedding coming up for some friends of ours and I know he will be there, may even be in the wedding... that will be tough, but if it's too hard I will leave at an appropriate time.

I know he was already seeing someone else before he even moved out... jerk. But I never, ever ask about her... frankly I just don't want to know... but deep down I hope all our friends like ME better than her! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:22pm
Yes, my ex have got a new girlfriend who was my friend once upon a time and its been really tough for me and our friends too. Me and him used to live with another couple who have been my friends for years. And now that I've moved out she is there all the time, apparently. She is not a bad person, I blame him for everything. Its been about four months since we broke up and they started seeing each other three months ago. Anyway, back to my friends, they felt really uncomfortable how things turned out, she basically took over my room.... I saw my ex last weekend and he told me that he wasn't in love with the her and that he still cared about me a lot and I am a lot cuter than her etc. I just laughed in his face and told him to get some serious help, frankly I feel sorry for his new girlfriend, he will break her heart just like he did mine. One thing I know now, even though it still hurts, I DON'T want him anymore and I am sooooo much better off without him!!