friends with ex's friends?
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| Sun, 09-05-2004 - 8:12pm |
My ex broke up with me over 3 months ago, we haven't seen or contacted eachother since. My situation is that I just moved back last year for work and to come back to Canada, and of course to be with him, and so many of my friends here are through him. I asked him when we split if he minded if I saw a few of them, the ones i was close to. He said no, so I did.
But I did want to make sure that he didnt feel like i was invading his social circle, so I steered clear of larger get togethers and only saw one female friend (one on one) and another couple because I am very close with their one-year old. I did not spend tons of time with them, again, acknowledging that I need to make my own friends too, and also not wanting to fall into the trap of wanting to hear tidbits about him. So i saw them once in awhile and we emailed. They were great during the breakup and helped a lot. But last month, around the time of my ex's bday, the female friend mentioned she went to a party for him (he turned 40). I was really upset, especially because i knew he was not being very social and was working tons and was depressed about turning 40. I even mentioned to her that she shoudl take him out for a drink, because he is messed up and i felt bad. So basically i was fine until i found out he was going on with his life, and wasnt' totally miserabel without me.
So I decided that maybe i should also do No Contact with the friends too. Because on some level i do want to hear things about him, but on another, only if he is suffering. I want him to be as miserable as I am right now. So i figured maybe it woudl be best if i don't have the option to hear anything for awhile. I really love these people but I think i do need this time apart from them too, in order to begin a friendship based on us, as opposed to me knowing their friend.
Does anyone have any experience with this?? Just wondering how they've dealt with it.

I do understand how you are feeling right now. It is a bit of a situation and I think the best thing to do for your own peace of mind is to take a break from seeing his friends as well. From my own experience I know that it is easier having NC with his friends for a while. Just after we broke up I was still hanging with OUR friends, but I just couldn't help myself but ask about him or somehow his name would come up in a conversation. After seeing them I would always walk away feeling upset and angry, so I stopped talking to them. They would call me and I would make excuses that I was really busy or whatever. But eventually I finally sat a couple of them down and explained why I was trying to avoid them. They understood me completely and said that I should call them when I am ready.
So no. Nothing is wrong with having no contact with your ex's friends for a while and if you just explain to them I am sure they will understand. After a while you will be able to start talking to them again, but right now I think you need a bit of time off and away from his "circles".
Good luck :)
I am not yet sure how I will handle big functions, like parties that I know he will attend... it would be incredibly difficult especially if he shows up with a date or is hitting on someone at the party... there is a wedding coming up for some friends of ours and I know he will be there, may even be in the wedding... that will be tough, but if it's too hard I will leave at an appropriate time.
I know he was already seeing someone else before he even moved out... jerk. But I never, ever ask about her... frankly I just don't want to know... but deep down I hope all our friends like ME better than her! :-)