Friends mantra

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Friends mantra
10
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 1:57pm

ugh. i now want to be friends with this guy.


that would involve yet more being ignored (what he does best) followed up by spurts of attention interrupted by him looking at other women.


yeah. somebody please talk me out of this. i keep visualizing having the "ok, i do want to be friends" conversation for some reason, even though i'd get even LESS respect than i did before.


(if that is possible, since i was last on his priorities after all his friends. or maybe it is, SINCE i would now become one & trump his new g-friends.)


ok, i admit it, i'm confused.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:08pm
And you want to be treat that way because.........





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:11pm

because in my head, he's the sweet guy he was at the beginning.


i can't seem to write over that program...!


(ha, nice way of commenting w/out telling me i'm an idiot. thanks.)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:15pm

LOL - happy to help :0)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:16pm

i also want the 1 guy i can't have. in spite of all the others that want me.


ooops.


need some reprogramming here, not sure how to go about it...


the thing i need to remember is, men love a challenge even more than women do (generally). & he wanted me as long as i DIDN'T want him. hard to incorporate that when you get all involved. ugh.


so that means he wants what he can't have too. gotta make sure that's me, just for some post-break-up success i guess...

ok, hopefully that rebooted me for the day. thx carrie!


Edited 10/24/2007 2:21 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:23pm
I think lots of people go through wanting what they can't have, whether it's ego or trying to heal a past situation or experience - like if I can just be with this person, it will make up for or heal something else....





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 2:26pm

wow, that's profound. see i said you were wise, & it's true.


that's kinda like putting a band-aid in the wrong place then, eh?


hmmm. i'll have to reflect upon that...


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 3:53pm
For what it's worth, I find that when I want a crappy ex-boyfriend back it's because he's familiar to me, and having something familiar always feels more comfortable than an unknown or new relationship. It's like after a break-up, he's a "piece missing" from my life and only he can "fill" it (I've never been able to be friends with them after a relationship). In order to get around this feeling of wanting him back, I try to change whatever I can about myself so I'm not the same person that I was while I was in a relationship with him - it makes me feel like the "pieces" (him and I) don't "fit" or belong together anymore. For example, I'll get a new haircut or hair colour, sign up for a new course, read a new book, join a new club, find a new hangout, buy new make-up, or even just buy new sheets for the bed that he will never get to see. It makes me feel like it's just 'mine' and that he doesn't have a part in my life anymore. I know it's purely psychological, but I find it works. I hope this helps (I know I didn't explain it very well...).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 4:29pm

yeah, that helps. i'm doing a lot of that. makeover, moving, incorporating the things into my life that i liked about his. i like the thought about a habit & breaking it. very helpful.


i know he was crappy & i deserved better, i just keep remembering the beginning when he wasn't. & the things i did that made him lose interest or attraction (very aware of these).


i have a hard time letting go. keep going back to "if onlys" & then i'm back where i started.


but it doesn't really matter what i think & feel. if he doesn't miss me back, there was not enough affection from his side. i don't really think he really likes anyone, or himself for that matter. he seemed to be blase about his last g-friend leaving, kinda whatever, so if that's all he cares then what am i wasting my energy for - on someone who just doesn't love people.



not only that, he lies to all his friends too. so i got the best side he had...& it wasn't good enough. or truthful. i guess why go back for more lies...


_________________________________________________


"If someone is not treating you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 8:29pm

maybe you can be friends... at some indeterminate point in the future. but not right now.


i have to say, i hope not ever given that he doesn't treat you with respect. you deserve to be treated with respect.


it sounds to me like it will only make you unhappy to be around him. which means he is not your friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
In reply to: devuchka
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 9:09am

I think i sound a little hypocritical giving advice when i am in the same boat.