Friends w/Benefits.....or no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Friends w/Benefits.....or no?
5
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:30pm
Hi all - I am an ocassional poster her and also a "lurker" and I just wanted to throw something out there for anyone who wanted to answer. Do you think that women are capable of having "friends w/benefits"? I only ask, because in the past I have had a couple of these relationships, with great results. They were after particularly hard break ups, and really, really, helped me get over things. They were both men that I knew there was not a future with, men that I had great friendships already established with and we both understood the ground rules from the beginning. I have often thought now that it might do me some good again, but I really don't know anymore. Maybe b/c I am no longer in my 20s, maybe b/c I am a mom now, and it's not all about me anymore, or maybe, b/c now I know what I want and I am not willing to settle. Whatever the case may be for me, I was just wondering what the general consensus on this type of relationship was. TIA for anyone who wants to add their $.02!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 5:03pm

I think there ARE women out there who can have FWB r'ships without getting emotionally involved, but I think they are much more the exception than the rule. I am not able to sleep with someone more than once or twice without getting emotionally attached, so I have stopped trying to do something that I obviously am not capable of. I wish I could...it would make things easier when I'm between r'ships, but oh well, you have to accept yourself as you are.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 5:35pm
I have done it in the past and actually am sort of doing it now a little bit. You just have to be realistic and if it is someone you find yourself becoming attached too then it can't continue because you will get hurt. NEVER do it with an ex though, that never works. My current (off and on really) friend with benefits is someone I was introduced to before I met my ex (a friend tried to set us up) and we bumped into each other about a month after my breakup. We have fun together and there are no expectations, he is very hot too so that helps :) I am moving anyways so maybe that makes it easier. If he was someone I really wanted to date I would not be able to do this. I have held off physically in situations where I met someone I genuinely wanted to pursue because a physical relationship only brings out more feelings for someone. It almost sounds backwards but that is sort of the way it works.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:40pm
I'm sure that there are women that can make a friends with benefits relationship work but I don't they're ever really long term and I could never make one work for even short time but that's just me....I get too emotionally involved.











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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:48pm

My ex bf dumped me a few months ago telling me that after 5 months all I was to him was a "friend with benefits" and that hurt more than anything else being told that. I never EVER in a million years believed that's what we were because we never EVER discussed being that .. we were a couple, who dated, spent everyday together and met each other's friends etc. The whole couple thing. The words "friends with benefits" are just words I think. Honestly after being with someone physically, you are going to get attached. I do believe some people can do it, but for me - no way I could. Just my two cents!

Lynne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:31pm
I did it once, when I was 19. It was all fine, except that I realized how excited I was to hear from him, how I just couldn't wait for his call, how we'd spend hours on the phone together. After sex, we'd talk for hours about our lives, beliefs, dreams, etc. I got to know him really well, in a really intimate way, of course. It wasn't just sex, it was all the talking, and of course that complicated things. Even when I didn't think we had a future together as a couple, I found myself getting kind of jealous about why he didn't at least want that. I was fabulous, a great catch, why didn't he want me in that way? How come his ex (and we still talked about our exes a lot) got the devotion and attention and commitment, why wasn't I good enough to get the same? It was childish (but I guess I was pretty young at the time). Anyway, it all fell apart when I realized I did have feelings for him, but that wasn't "our deal." The funny thing is, I broke it off, but never told him I had those feelings for him. And sometimes I wonder if he didn't have feelings for me, too, because he'd go out of his way to call, send me things at school (we were long-distance, too, saw each other most weekends), etc. I just assumed he'd be appalled that I'd developed feelings, so I never raised it, though maybe it could have gone somewhere. I've dated casually, but never thought of it as a f/w/b situation, just casual dating - we'd have formal dates, hang out with friends, just no expectation of 24/7 togetherness or a long-term commitment. That works well for me during the summer, when everyone wants to have fun and romance and a date for outdoor concerts and stuff.