The Friendship "Trap"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
The Friendship "Trap"
9
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:35am

Hi All,

I'm a guy by the way but I love this forum.

Just a note to thank those of you who responded to my earlier posts in November when I was seeking input and advice on breaking up with my gf of 18 months. We had a series of differences about the course of the relationship. There were certain of her rather strange behaviours that I found frustrating and in me and that played a big part of me not wanting to commit more fully. She was always pushing for a more deeper commitment but I didn't feel totally appreciated.

In any case, we ended things fairly amicably and while it was disappointing, after a brief period of a few weeks we were what you would call "friends". About ever three weeks we'd go for coffee, or we'd see each other at the gym and chat and laugh. We had a common connection and had been friends before dating and that connection was a dance club. Suddenly she stopped going. It seemed normal, but she was cagey about it, said she was busy. Then yesterday she revealed that she's been dating some new guy recently, she wants to spend more time with him and that's why she hasn't come out.

She said some other things...the guy was kind of demanding to see her every day over the holidays and that was a source of conflict but she wanted to work it out with him because they wanted the same things.

Hmmmmm. Then it hit me. Finally. I was quite upset by this. I was upset that she had a new bf. I was upset that she was spending 3 days a week with him and when we were dating, we'd go out like once a week and she was often tired.

She later emailed me to say that she felt she owed me an explanation for not coming to our club. She also wrote a rather glowing appraisal of our relationship and how if only I'd wanted to marry her things would have been different. I was speechless and upset. I had to think about why I was upset and it hit me. I felt unappreciated at times during this relationship. She wasn't that generous with her time, or with gifts, she was kind of out of touch with current events and I was always supportive of her efforts to get fit, to get into new fashion, I bought her gifts and things.

But I must admit I was always a little fearful of going further because of her erratic nature, her hypochondria and her neuroses. Now I sit here typing this out wondering what it is that's bothering me. Is it that she has a new bf so soon and wants to lean on me as a "Friend?" The other day when I had an extra ticket to a concert at the last minute I called her to see if she'd like to go and she didn't reply, then later got back to me after the show to say she was busy. So I wrote her a reply to this email saying thanks for all the kind words, but I'm afraid I can't be friends with you right now it's too hard. I saw her at the gym today and she said she hadn't read my note and was puzzled why I didn't want to talk to her.

I finally said I couldn't be friends with her. She seemed confused by that and worried. I explained that I don't want to be some resource for her but when I need someone she's not around because she's got a new bf. It wasn't a bitchy conversation it was factual. But I did say I was upset and I am upset. Any insights? Any thoughts? Am I thinking too much about this? I didn't want to continue going out with her, but I'm upset when I learn she's got a new bf and wants to lean on me. But when I need someone she won't be there. She thought being "friends" was important. I think it's just hit me that she's out of my life and I need to get over it. She asked me "Don't you have females in your life who are friends?" to which I replied: "Yes, but I haven't dated them..." Any insights here? Any words of wisdom or encouragement? I just feel blech...which is out of character.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 7:53am

walawala2006...

Pianoguy can't speak for all men (including yourself). However, when it's time to "cut the chord" (aka end a relationship)...PG doesn't bother looking back!

There are some people capable of eventually seguing into a "let's still be friends" mode, but I find it difficult to do this. Simply because I can never disassociate the fact that I used to be extraordinarily close to someone...and that closeness is no longer present!

Being jealous or envious of someone you used to date is natural for BOTH SEXES.

Look at it this way...when a relationship is finished...so is a 'chapter' of the life story you're living from day-to-day. So why not learn from your past as you go on to the next chapter? Hopefully, you'll avoid making similar mistakes with any new lady who comes into your life?

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:33am

It sounds like you tried to transition to friends too soon after your breakup, before you were completely over her. That almost never works. Give it some time without any contact--you may decide a few months or even a few years from now that you want to have her in your life as a friend. Or not. Not all exes can be friends, and that's ok.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:49am

Thanks Sheri,

I got another email today. I was speechless. She said something to the effect that had she met me before my failed marriage she would have made me very happy. It's a bit overwhelming. But I didn't reply. Don't know what to say to that. It's almost like all the frustrating bad stuff has disappeared and only hope and good stuff remain. But I know relationships aren't like that. In this one I felt I was doing a lot of the work on a daily basis. She meantime was always talking about being in a relationship and asking if I'd be interested in one day traveling to meet her brother or going on some trip to some far off place. Seems we were on two different planes when it comes to defining a relationship we had very different benchmarks and measurements. I defined it in terms of the time we were spending right now, she was defining it by what we might do somewhere down the line. Ever heard of people living in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:11pm

....."She asked me "Don't you have females in your life who are friends?" to which I replied: "Yes, but I haven't dated them..."


Had the exact

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:22pm

Thanks Sandra, very good counsel. What do you say to this email today?

"It's my fault that I didn't make you feel my appreciation for everything you
did to me. I see a lot of good qualities in you and you are the rare one
whom I feel truly happy to be with. Hope you are not too upset about what I
am doing here. I wish I could meet you way earlier before your said 'yes'
to your previous marriage, I am sure I could make you the happiest man in
marriage !" I think to myself....if it was that "great" then I don't think we would have mutually ended things. I felt more frustrated and at times unappreciated. Her complaint was I didn't "say" enough sweet things for her---I just "did" sweet things. But that is the way I am. I judge people more by what they do than what they say. Perhaps in retrospect I should have been more expressive... But after reading this, I'm speechless and thrown for a loop. Oh, the "Hope you are not too upset..." line---I think that refers to her new bf. I realize now that I truly cared for her and a part of me wishes it had all been different. But the one thing I point to is that she was quite passive and not brimmming with energy or ideas whereas I'm quite the opposite---more a doer than a thinker while she's more a thinker....than a doer...if that explains my frustration. Thoughts Sandra?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:26pm

....."Seems we were on two different planes when it comes to defining a relationship we had very different benchmarks and measurements. I defined it in terms of the time we were spending right now, she was defining it by what we might do somewhere down the line. Ever heard of people living in the future?".....

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:46pm

I'm going to guess, just take a stab, that you would rather have actually *experienced* all that love and "I'll make you the happiest man in the world" sentiment within her rahter than her just thinking about it, almost like she was keeping it to herself, and what fun is that for you?

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:20pm

::She said something to the effect that had she met me before my failed marriage she would have made me very happy.


I think that after a relationship is over, it's very easy for people to change their recall of the relationship AND even say things that aren't necessarily true or say something they really don't believe but it makes them feel better to say it, try and believe it after the fact. A way to make the other person feel bad and doubt that they did or said the right thing(s) when they did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:26pm
Hi Sandra and everyone, thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my posts. I am divorced for 5 years now. As I said to her my divorced didn't turn me off relationships, it did make me more cautious about jumping into a relationship too quickly. In this relationship which I did put effort into, I was always just a little wary of committing further because I didn't see a change in certain behaviours. Those were more characteristics rather than anything mean or deliberately cruel. We had very different approaches to many things. One example. I travel a lot for my work to interesting countries so I always bought her nice clothes or shoes or beauty products and got her more interested in fashion which she really appreciated. By contrast, her house-warming gift to me when I bought my apartment and had it renovated--- gift vouchers for a popular electronics store which you redeem from your credit card points. That gave me pause for reflection. I guess what I"m trying to say in all these posts is that while I did love her in my own way, I was never quite sure whether I should take the next step. I'm now confused. Seems now she's really pulling out all the stops to compliment me. Anyway, thanks for listening, appreciate your feedback and input. I'm looking for some type of perspective on this. I know I played a role in the relationship's demise. I know that perhaps I could have been more verbally expressive, perhaps could have said more rather than holding back, but you can see from her responses that there's a recognition that I was a good person and caring person in my own way.