Further thoughts on Men moving on ...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Further thoughts on Men moving on ...
6
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:24pm
How quickly they move on (as opposed to us) has come up an awful lot today. One thing I thought was that perhaps they go on to a new woman more quickly because they have fewer friends that we do. I know my bf had NO friends, not a single friend, not one. (I should have seen this as a problem right?) So that the fact that he's out there looking for dates, the day after we broke up, doesn't really surprise me in a way. He wants company. I just feel bad for the women he's going to go out with .... because he comes across as a really warm and available guy, but the moment something goes wrong and she wants to talk about it, he's shut down ...

Anyway, I don't think that moving on quickly and dating others is just a male characteristic. I think we do it too. I know that in my 20's I had something like four relationships in a row, one right after the other. It's always a bad idea though. You really need to get the last one out of your system I think. (On the other hand, one of my best friends was with her husband for 27 years and they were both on the rebound after they met ... so it can happen.)

Still I know it hurts to think about how quickly he/she moved on after you. It seems disrespectful somehow, right?

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Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:30pm
Hey Delightful,

I am new to this board and your post especially grabbed my eye. I have had an 18 month long distance relationship that seemed to fall apart as soon as I moved (for work) to the city where she lives. I was estatic that I could make the move and be, finally, in the same city with her, but no no no! Perhaps you're thinking 18 months isn't really so long, but we had grown so close, more so than either of us had ever experienced, and it all ended before I could even pack. My point here is that I wished I could move on, I am still so stuck on her it's maddening!!! During our "long distance" phase, the part where we not only still actually had conversations lol, we literally lived on the phone, talked through IM's and email, saw each other every other week without fail, and it seemed every moment I did anything I did it with her by my side ... mentally and emotionally at least. So any-way, after moving here now three months ago I don't spend a single day not thinking about her, wondering how she is, what she's up to, etc etc etc.

Tell me how you figure some people are better at moving on than others and I think we will be on to one of the mysteries of love ... some folks just do it better and get torn to pieces because of it ... but I certainly wouldn't want it any other way. You?

Michael

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Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:22am
Moving on right away definitely seems disrespectful to me...it makes the other person feel worthless, like what you shared together meant absolutely nothing. It's hurt like crazy to know that not only did my ex cheat while we were still together, but that he managed to move on and "fall in love" so quickly with someone else. It makes me feel like he never truly cared, and that I'm pathetic for not being able to move on as fast as he did.

Honestly, part of it is that I think my ex was scared to death of being alone. He's had family issues in the past--his parents basically abandoned him when he was a young teen, and he told me that he was always afraid of getting too close to a person. No matter how much bs he fed me, this I actually believe--it was quite obvious he had a fear of attachment/committment issues. When things got really rough between us, he would always flip out...so I think that when he felt like the end was nearing, he immediately decided he had to find someone else.

Once he had that safety blanket, another girl, I think my ex realized he could end things with me and still have somebody...he wouldn't have to be alone. Because even though we were having problems, before he started dating his new girlfriend seriously, he would still tell me all the time that he needed me in his life and loved me so much, that he wanted to work things out etc. But once he knew he had her hooked, he started doing that less and less. However, he still got pissed when I pretended like I didn't care that he had found someone...but I still think he knew it was safe for him to move on--he had someone new to take care of him.

I am not like my ex (obviously)...I definitely have trouble letting go. But I'd honestly rather be like this than like him, able to just move on right away and say "Next!" I agree with you about having to get the last relationship out of your system before you can start a new one. I don't think it'd be fair to the new love in your life if you were still pining away for the old one.

As for guys not having as many friends, I think it really depends on the individual. My ex seemed to have plenty of friends/acquaintances/people to party with (of course, we're both in college and whatnot)...but I do know that his best friend lived far away (they had met in highschool) and that he didn't feel as though he had many true, high-quality friends at college. Luckily for him, his best friend moved to PA (where my ex lives) recently and now they're living together! Guess his life is just perfect, eh? :b

Men are just as mysterious as women are sometimes...so I really can't explain why they seem to be able to move on so quickly after a breakup. Maybe they're just trying to save face, since most guys don't seem to like being emotionally vulnerable. But whatever the reason, it sucks...for us at least!

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Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:39pm
My ex did the same thing. We were living together and engaged for 3 years. 5 weeks ago I find out that he's been seeing someone else...so after I threw him out we spent a lot of time on the phone discussing things that went wrong in our relationship. We had decided to work things out then OUT OF NOWHERE he EMAILS me and says that "things won't work out"..turns out that he had still been seeing the girl he cheated on me with. So, now I'm thinking that he was just passing time to see if things would work out okay with the other girl. And since he's still seeing her he doesn't need me anymore.

My ex also has family problems. His parents never wanted him and his grandparents raised him. His grandma died 2 months before I met him. He has no relationship with his father and the relationship with his mom is not the best either. I think that they just look for an easy way out. They don't want to be alone and they don't want to even try to work things out. So, the easiest thing for THEM is to lie and cheat and get in good with the new girl and leave OUR lives in shambles.
Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:20pm
"Tell me how you figure some people are better at moving on than others and I think we will be on to one of the mysteries of love ... some folks just do it better and get torn to pieces because of it ... but I certainly wouldn't want it any other way. You?"

I think it depends on the person and the relationship. I ended a three year relationship nearly three years ago, and I moved on rather quickly. Part of it had to do with the fact that we had been in couples therapy for about ten months prior to the breakup and as a result I sort of came to the conclusion that I really didn't want to be with the guy. I started a new relationship about three months later, and my ex was really devastated. He told me he had cried every day for six months after we broke up.

My last relationship only lasted 12 weeks, but I think it's going to take me a while to get over because I still have this nagging feeling that there was more we could have done to preserve it. I have to get over that though because one person can't make a relationship successful, right? It takes two, doesn't it?

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Michael. It sounds really difficult. It sounds like your gf liked it when you were at a distance and became scared once she could actually have a real, every day relationship with you. That's gotta hurt. And no, I don't think 18 months is a short time. You build up a lot of hopes, dreams and fantasies in 18 months ...

Laura

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Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 8:45pm
I think men feel more alone than women do when they are out of a relationship. Women usually have support networks of friends and family that will help to support them emotionally when they are having a hard time. Men dont have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other guys, they have buddies, pals, not usually close friends that really care or want to hear about their problems. My wife recently left me and shes always on the phone or running around with her friends. Im lucky if I get 1 call a week thats not my stb ex-wife or my parents. Women dont usually feel as alone as a guy after a relationship ends so the man will sometimes try to fill that emptiness with another woman, many times this a temporary fix and with a woman who he isnt interested in getting into a long term relationship with I bet. Anything is better than nothing right?
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Registered: 09-04-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:34pm
wrong... it is not fair to jump from one to the other because the new girl does not know the baggage that he/she is carrying..... there is always jejavous..and sometimes it is worse because the new he/she does not know what is wrong....i am glad that i am taking the time to concentrate on myself and what i want... i would not want to get into a relationship with a guy knowing that i can't give him my all because i may want my ex back or because i only need sex.... i want a relatioship that is honest and since my ex and i broke up 4 months ago ..i know that i still have feelings for him and some new guy would expect me to be giving 100% not 50..i don't want to force myself to love someone because i am afraid of being alone...i want it to be natural