the future

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
the future
5
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 1:12pm

Hi all, I'd appreciate some input from any of you who have gone through a similar situation. I posted recently about my 1.5 year relationship that just ended because we both see different things in our future, specifically that I am thinking about our future, and he can't give me an answer about it. He doesn't know what he wants down the line (from life or with me) and does not want to make any kind of commitment. We're both in our late 20s. Our relationship was very fulfilling -- we were both committed to each other, laughed a lot, respected one another, and were very affectionate. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before, and I felt so happy being with him.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I always knew he didn't want to settle down but I just couldn't walk away from such a wonderful thing in my life. I understood that we would eventually go our separate ways but in the meantime I wanted to enjoy what we had. That said, it was a fundamental problem in our relationship that periodically made me sad and caused me to wonder if I was doing the right thing. And now, I am wondering if this breakup is the right thing. I know that we could reconcile and continue on as we have been, and there is a part of me that LONGS for that. After all, don't relationships change? I know friends who have been with guys who didn't know what they wanted in the beginning, and now they're married!

But then, there's the other part of me that understands that nothing will change and it wouldn't be wise for me to stay. The pain of a breakup is sure to be worse a year or two from now. And I just can't imagine going through that -- as it is, I am unable to control my crying and am so completely heartbroken over this.

I just want to know that I am doing the right thing and would appreciate any comments or insight, especially from those who have gone through it/are going through it.

And even if you're thinking it, please please do not say "it sounds like he's just not that into you"! I've no doubt at all that he loves (loved) me; perhaps he is not mature enough for a commitment, perhaps he just doesn't want to get married and never will, or maybe there IS someone else who would make him want to settle down. It's too simple to think that if only he cared more about me, this would work.

Thanks.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: elanneh
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 2:15pm

Welcome to the board Anne,


It's really hard not to second guess yourself.


::After all, don't relationships change? I know friends who have been with guys who didn't know what they wanted in the beginning, and now they're married!


The flip side of this is that while they got married they might have figured it was expected and left without a choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elanneh
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 2:55pm

Anne..

First...Pianoguy ISN'T going to use the quote that you used in the final paragraph of your post.

Second...What is MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU right now? Marriage and having a family...or just casual dating? This can make a difference when it comes to the words you use around ANY MAN?

If a man is under the impression that a new g/f is eventually EXPECTING A LIFETIME COMMITMENT...and he's not interested...he's going to back off IN A HURRY!

Keep in mind that it takes men considerably longer to realize and commit themselves to a woman they feel is MS RIGHT? Women seem to feel that they know after date #2 or date #3?

Here's hoping your next b/f realizes how wonderful you are...and that his life would be EMPTY WITHOUT YOU?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: elanneh
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 5:17pm

Hi all, thanks... Carrie, I had to stop myself for a second to think about your marriage question (if we stayed together and it didn't happen, would I be happy?). My first reaction was no... but then I thought, Well, if we were completely committed to each other, in a lifelong relationship, then, yes, I suppose that marriage would not really be an issue. I feel like if we continued to grow closer, spend more time together, share each other's lives, then I could be content in the relationship.

Pianoguy, I understand what you're saying, but I wasn't EXPECTING anything from him. I just wanted to know where he stood. And I'm not a new girlfriend and he wasn't backing off. In fact, during our time together we continued to grow closer.

>>Keep in mind that it takes men considerably longer to realize and commit themselves to a woman they feel is MS RIGHT>>
Ok, but I just think -- after a year and a half, shouldn't he KNOW if he wants a future with me? There was no "You're not the one I want to spend my life with," it was more "I don't know what I want in my life." Maybe it's the same thing. Maybe he can't say that he doesn't want to settle down with ME because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

Maybe these are things I need to clear up with him, though the thought of talking to him again makes me want to cry.

I really do appreciate the input and I am so glad there is a place like this for us to vent, read, and commiserate.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
In reply to: elanneh
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 8:09am

Hi Anne,

I am not in my twenties, I am now turning 40 this year, but went throught your exact situtation when I was 33. I met him at 30 and he was everything, we loved each other and honestly I have yet to find that again. We had it all, happiness, laughter each morning, our goofy little kitchen dance we would do when he came home from work, lavish vacations but one thing was missing- a committment. 3 years into this, we were sitting at our favorite spot, it was sunset, drinking champagne, with strawberries, and it just hit me, we are never going to get there. I started to cry. He had all these opportunities to ask me to marry him, that was one, I did not need a ring. ( We even looked at rings)
We talked for a long time the next day, and the days following, and he said he needed to walk the beach to make a decision. It had been 3 days, I was severely depressed, and told him, you already know your answer, it should not be this hard. He told me on the phone at work. I left work, packed up our house, all my things, he got home and told me "I just don't love you enough." I don't believe that, I believe he just saw too much divorce and was afraid, but I cannot discount what he said, guys usually tell you the deal.

Like you I wonder if I just waited, would things have changed, I mean look at me I am now 40 and have great experiences, things I would have missed but I have not met anyone special, I am not married, what I want. I am hopeful, I just met someone who I am broken hearted over, it has not been easy, but deep in my heart I believe I just have not met him yet. If it was meant to be we would be together. I really believe their is plan for all of us and even when we are in the midst of pain we cannot see it. Looking back I would not change anything it has made me who I am, it has given me strength. I see what a mistake it would have been to marry that first guy. I was a virgin when I met him, I was waiting for the ONE, for love. But I think I would have always wondered... whatelse is out there? I remember his sister meeting a new guy, she was going through the la la land period and I recall crying thinking, I will never have that again.

My friends have mixed opinions, some say I should have just waited it out, I am not married now, no different, but he said to my Mom, I could have lived with her forever. That was not what I wanted and it is still not. I don't know what happened to him. I don't know would have happened if I waited, I think some times people do change, but I am not so sure how much. After him, I met someone else who I loved deeply too, and have many of great experiences. Experiencing love again, the butterflies, travelling, meeting people from ambassadors to CEO's. Going to charity functions at mansions. Having 2 bottles of Cristal sent over to me by a former NYC ranger. I don't have an answer for you, there are pros and cons to it. If you go back, he may change, he may not and you have wasted more years. If you go forward who knows. No one does. At 40 my biggest regret, letting myself waste a lot of time over guys I should have thrown to the curb sooner, got over sooner, picked myself up sooner. I want to have children very badly and be married too, and am afraid it won't happen each day. But I try to have hope. I am not going to settle for good enough. I want it all. I want to look at the man I marry when I am 80, across a crowed a room, and still have my heart skip a beat. I want to KNOW he is truly the one, and I think you really do know when that happens, maybe someone out here has had that experience.

Go with your heart but think it through. Life is too short to by half-happy, to accept good enough. You deserve what you desire. A relationship, where it is all you want it to be, and if this guy changes his mind great, but I might give him some time to think about what he lost, you might be surprised. You might not, but at least you will know if he comes back HE wants what you do. You have youth and years on your side, use them wisely. Live the life you want, get what you want, be what you want. I look back had a lot of great times some not so hot, but I am definitely a better person, and now know exactly what I want, what is really important to me in a relationship. Hope this helps.
All the best to you, I know it is hard, be strong, do things for you right now. Get a massage, get a manicure, get a makeover. Have some fun with the girls, get dressed up and feel like a million and go out. Read, rest, know it will get better. Trust me I know that for sure, we all on this board do, with time all heals. L

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: elanneh
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:54am

Thank you L, I'm glad you shared your past experience. It is really similar to mine. I know you're going through a recent breakup now, and even though our situations are different, I believe that heartache is the same at its core. I'm thinking about you. I so admire your words about finding the right person. My past relationships haven't been all that great, and I too regret not kicking some of them to the curb sooner. I am slowly changing the way I look at relationships, respecting myself more and understanding what I need, and I am proud of that. You're there, and it's amazing.

The way I see it: many people are coupled up, but few are where they want to be in their relationship. Some are downright unhappy, some just not completely fulfilled. I want happiness, I want fulfillment. I can take hard times (I'm no fool, I know relationships are a challenge) but I want to be with someone who is RIGHT for me. That will probably mean waiting. And meeting someone who is wrong for me, crying, and waiting again. But I have faith that there is a plan for everyone, as you said. Many people have chosen to be coupled up because they are scared to be alone. I totally understand that, and I've done it myself. But I don't want that.

Being with someone whom you love/who loves you is so amazing. It is such a special feeling. That why it's so hard to let it go! I'm not even at the point where I can completely let this go. I hold out dumb hope and it makes me feel better.

Anyway, I think that for both of us we will KNOW when the person is the right one. Be strong, but let yourself grieve, and I will do the same.

Hugs,
Anne