GAH! Does "No Contact" get easier?
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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 7:28pm |
Thanks so those who replied to my previous post. I'm taking the wise words to heart...but here's the thing; I am going out of my mind!!! When, oh when, does "no contact" get easier?? I haven't talked to the ex since Sunday and I'm crawling up the walls to get in touch with him...it's only been 3 days, I know, but I'm an impatient type who has never done this before and have no idea what to expect. I certainly didn't expect it to be this hard (yes, I have a big enough ego to think that I was a strong enough woman to just suck it up and deal).
I'm setting day-by-day goals for myself, and am doing okay with that (though it sucks). I stay busy, I've deleted his number from my cell and blocked his IM. But that burning urge is still there...I have had a hard enough time going three days, let alone a week, a month, two months even? It seems utterly impossible. How have you guys kept with it? Especially when the parting is laden with promises of friendship at some point in the future, provided "enough time and space" between us? Is there an "old adage" about how long it takes to heal? A magic cure that I can find on the black market, perhaps?
This is unbelievably FRUSTRATING. Bah.
Men may be pigs, but damn, I love me some bacon.

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Hi Eeyore_2436...
I'm going through a crappy breakup right now, but I'll answer this from the experience of my last breakup. No contact was the hardest thing I had ever tried to do. Time CRAWLED by and in the early days and weeks, every waking moment was spent thinking about my ex, thinking about what I would say to him if I saw him, wishing I had better answers. The ONE good thing I did for myself was to STAY STRONG and not contact him. It was awful.
To help me get through it, I enlisted every friend I have, who mercifully listened to my every vent and rage. I journaled like CRAZY and wrote vindictive, mean letters to my ex, pouring out every last angry, awful, mean thing in my heart. Of course, I never sent the letters.
Slowly, with time, I spent less and less time thinking about him. We were together for about 3 years all told, and I would say it took a solid 6 months to get to a place of not feeling constantly depressed. Then it took another 3 months to move on (it helped that I lived overseas for 2 months and met someone new).
For me, the ultimate closure came when I learned my ex is gay (finally! an explanation that makes SENSE!). I am currently hoping to find closure of a similarly clear nature with this most recent breakup but I doubt I will ever be so blessed as to have a crystal clear reason why things didn't work out. :-]
So for now, what I can tell you is: stay strong. It is SO hard, but I know you can do it. Every day that you do, pat yourself on the back for your courage and strength. Trust me: you will discover reservoirs of strength you didn't know you had! What also helps me is thinking that I want to be proud of how I handled these situations: with grace and maturity. You can do it!!!
Course11--I am sorry to hear about your breakup(s). I'm glad you found closure with your previous ex and I'm sure, like myself, you eventually will with your current one. Also, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with staying out of touch with the ex.
I think the thing that is making this so very difficult is that there really is no bad blood between my ex and myself. I have a bit more perspective about what was going on, the initial anger has subsided and what it really boils down to is trust...I was raging with jealousy over his ex and didn't trust him with her, and he didn't trust me not to break his heart if he allowed himself to fall in love with me (residual "ex' issues). Though we love eachother immensely (granted, I'm in love and he just loves...whatever that means)we both know that the time and space will be good for both of us and maybe allow us to get to a point where we can 1)get through the stuff we're going through individally that was hindering us from coming together in a real partnership and 2)rebuild the trust between us. Logically, I know it's too soon to try to start a friendship--right now it would just hurt far too much to have him but not *really* have him--but...I want my friend. *sigh* I don't know how people go through this over and over again. It's truly agony.
I perfectly agree with you that NO CONTACT is really agonising. I just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago.maybe you read about my story in other posts on this board.
My ex and i had a ldr so he used to phone me everyday.so the 1st few days after our breakup i used to almost cry and almost imagine the phone ringing when the hour of 10pm used to pass by as by this time he would normally have called me.
Now that 3 weeks have passed i still seem to expect his call but the pain and disappointment is much less..i seem to be accepting the fact that he might never call me again in my whole life..to be honest i would prefer it if he doesn't as i m too scared my strong emotions would come flooding back.
so,believe me no contact is the best option for getting over your ex even if its really hard at first..but by time it will get easier..i promise!!
good luck and should you need anything please know that i'll be here to help you out!!
Most of the advice I have gotten around being friends with an ex is to not try to do it until you've truly completely gotten over him. As my sister put it, it's fine to be friends when the thought of being friends makes you shrug indifferently.
I haven't bothered to try to be friends with my gay ex. At this point I *do* shrug indifferently at the thought...it just doesn't seem worth the effort because I don't miss him anymore and my life is truly better without him.
That may not be the case with you and your ex, since you don't have 'bad blood' between you. But it sounds like you may be holding out hope for reconciliation sometime in the future...which seems like a real barrier to you getting over him.
(I'm probably the pot calling the kettle black, though, since right now I am imagining (hoping?) that the timing was just off with my recent ex. I should know better...)
Yes, it DOES get easier...
I struggled with the NC rule for months after my breakup, even though it was usually only me initiating any type of contact. My ex would generally tend to just ignore me. I wish I had stopped sooner and saved some of my self-respect! :)
But it's been over two months since I've contacted him, and I'm really proud of myself. He was my best friend and it was SO hard making that transition from talking so much to not talking at all...it was even harder knowing that he really didn't want to hear from me (except to get an ego boost occasionally). At first, having no contact causes this deep and heavy pain--you really miss the person, particularly if you kept in constant communication during your relationship. Eventually that fades to a sort of dullness, an aching void. It doesn't hurt as much, but you're still missing something--maybe not even your ex anymore, but more just being part of a couple. I think I'm at that stage right now...but I'm slowly getting out of it :) I miss the couple-y aspects of my relationship...however, I don't particularly miss my ex that much now that I know what type of person he is. And I believe that soon enough, I won't miss him at all.
Your situation is a bit different from mine, since you mentioned that it ended with the possibility of friendship in the future. Okay, maybe that's true--maybe you two will end up as friends eventually. But you know you're not ready for that...you need time to work through this and get over him. Having contact now would only hurt you. You're doing good so far by deleting his numbers and blocking his screenname. Be proud of yourself!
One reason I have kept up with no-contact is because in my last e-mail to my ex, I specifically said he would not be hearing from me again...and I don't want to go back on my word and look like a fool. Also, I honestly have nothing to say to him anymore. I know I'm better off not having contact with him...I know we aren't getting back together, and that we could never be friends--nor do I want to be. I used to try and convince myself that we could be friends, but I was just in denial. I wasn't ready (I'm still not completely there), and he isn't healthy for me. He doesn't have the qualities that I find so valuable when it comes to friendship--why would I waste my time on him?
Everytime you get the urge to contact him, remind yourself that it's over. Everything necessary has been said; nothing is going to change what happened. What would you say to him? You don't want to beg for him back...if you want him to miss you, give him time to do so! Cry, vent on this board or in a journal, write him letters (but don't send them!), pray, work out, call a friend/family member...do anything BUT contact him! Eventually you will reach the point where you can't even imagine picking up the phone and calling your ex, or IM'ing him. The thought of trying to contact my ex right now is unfathomable to me--I know he doesn't want to hear from me, and I don't want to talk to him. But it took me awhile to get here--just be patient, and have faith/hope. The day-by-day goals thing is a good idea...keep it up!
Take care of yourself...continue remaining strong. You CAN do it...and it IS for the best. <3
"Relationships are like glass, sometimes it is best to leave them shattered than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together."
"Relationships are like glass, sometimes it is best to leave them shattered than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together."
This is such an inspirational quote!! I will stick to it!
eeyore,
Although I haven't had the time to post any replies lately, I have been able to follow your progress. You seem to be doing a great job getting through the initial phases of NC and grieving. My hat is off to you.
I have been out of the relationship that brought me to this board since the beginning of December, and since then, I have also stopped smoking. What strikes me are the similarities. My teenaged sons have been nagging me for years to quit (who says the DARE program doesn't work?). I had to see for myself how destructive and wasteful it was in order for me to stop. From previous experiences, I knew that I could not stop cold turkey. So I had to wean myself off the cancer sticks. Last week, when I went to a local establishment for a couple of cold ones, I stooped so low as to try to bum a cigarette from a co-worker who knew that I quit. I don't know if it was for nostalgia sake, or if it was to prove that I could stop at one. Thank goodness he smokes one of those *yucky* brands I wouldn't have even attempted to puff on when I did have that nasty habit. There are moments when I am absolutely sure that I "need" a cigarette. I am coming to realize that there are a lot of things I think I need when I'm stressed. It's a matter of being stronger than your weaknesses. Yesterday, I read in the company insurance paperwork that I have to wait a year before I can mark myself as a "non-smoker" on the form.
The transition the break-up is following is the same path, leading me to believe that it is an addiction as much as smoking is. Others could see that I wasn't really content in what I was doing, but I had to see it for myself that it was unhealthy and unfulfilling. Then, I got burnt when he stopped calling and refused my telephone calls. It took a couple of weeks for me to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was over, as I kept trying to contact him. I even made up excuses for him to get me by. I realize that I was weaning myself off of the ex; the time I was taking thinking of him, the hopes I had that he would love me as much as I loved him, etc.
Then, one day, I MADE myself stop. It didn't lessen the desire, but it did make me feel that I was in charge again. Like the dirty ashtrays, I removed the things that would enable me to start thinking of him again. I tossed the lighters that ignited those cigarettes, and I disposed of those desires that ignited the passion I had for him. When I did think of him, I purposely thought of all the negative things about him, and how I was deserving of a healthier life. I rewarded myself liberally for resisting temptations.
Because I know there are times that I am not stronger than my weaknesses, I know better than to test myself at this point. When I am going through a stressful period and I need that physical or emotional contact to make me feel *alright*, I resist the urge to seek him, and head for the healthier people instead. He was pretty yucky when I did have him as a "habit", so he must be even worse now. Maybe, some day, I will be able to be in the same room as a cigarette or even him, but I know it's not now. I will have to be comfortable and know that I will not even consider caving in "for old time sakes", because those "old time sakes" were really not beneficial to me.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Reading it somewhere else helps to put it there. I can only hope it is not a year, like the paperwork stated about the non-smoker status. Sheesh, not *bumping uglies* for 12 months is a horrible thought! But I am forcing myself to be patient in this instantaneous society. R.E.M. stated it so clearly, and Joe Cocker sings it so eloquently with "Everybody Hurts". You just got to hold on.
Mimiche
To everyone on this post:
I've been reading through it and it has made me feel so much better. My ex broke up with me in October but our relationship sort of "lingered" till Dec. 31st. Since then I have not seen him. The contact with him slowly became less and less. It was so hard to do. In fact, I still have been crying my eyes out till this point. I'm sure the sobbing will soon be over.I think deleting his phone number and IM is good advice. I haven't gotten the courage to do that yet.
I really like the quote about broken relationships being shattered glass. It's so true, you'll hurt yourself more by trying to pick up those pieces. I need to tell myself this everyday.
It's very hard when you break up with a person and you still love them. I think all of us were meant to love a few times before finding the right person who will love and respect us the way we want them to.
Eeyore, I'm sure you're a wonderful person who has got so much to give to someone who will love you the way you want them to. Gees, I should be listening to my own advice, huh?
Best of luck,
Miss Aloha
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