Gaining Strength & Clarity, However...
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| Tue, 04-26-2005 - 4:21am |
Yet another question for you guys...
It's about NC. I'm not having too hard of a time not calling him, every day that passes is a day that I'm a little more pissed at him and a day that I don't feel so empty without him in my life. However...I do wonder, you guys he will call me. I know this for certain. And even though at times I entertain the thought of getting back with him (even after all this crap that's happened) at the same time...I'm like screw that!
So I am considering changing my cell number. Very few of my friends call me - we talk via email and aim - so notifying the ones who do won't be a huge problem (less than 10). I figure this way, I won't sit around 'secretly waiting' for him to call. I do admit a little of it might be a little kiss off - but mostly, I honestly believe that taking this step will help me move on a little quicker. It's the anticipation that sucks.
Now, that other voice in me says what if he comes to his senses? well, he has my email address. If he really wants me, he could come and get me - through that.
What do you think? Or should I just leave well enough alone? His number is set to "silent" on the phone so at least I wouldn't pick up when he calls. And I think I'm strong enough not to contact him.
Today is our "anniversary" (the 26th) btw. I'm feeling okay about things. I'm spending the day at the beach - going to bike up the boardwalk and enjoy the 'sun'. It's been awhile.

Here's what I'd tell you - closure is what you give yourself when rationally and realistically you KNOW that no matter what - you're not going back. Till then - there is always "maybe".
I'm a huge proponent of this....and it's a surgical solution, not a band aid one. And I'm big on it because it works.....like nothing else does.
What you miss is the possibilities and expectations that you had set for your "future" that now aren't there - as a result of this relationship not in your life. So you don't miss this guy - you miss the "security and status" and all it represented per your expectations and needs. You thought had this "solved" - that you had a safe haven - and life isn't about that - but in this case, you're not to that level yet.
So......if you want all the feelings, hopes, and dreams back - there's an easy solution. YOu did what you did while in the relationship - stick your head in the sand, and leave your butt in the air...and wait for the inevitable...while enjoying the bliss of ignorance that is self-induced.
But "no contact" isn't a solution. It's the period where you require of yourself to readjust, refocus, re-identity you with yourself - your goals, needs and priorities - and become that self-sufficient, respecting, responsible person that you were - prior to meeting him and getting immersed in being "his"...so that there was no "you" outside of being with him and his needs and wants and standards were adopted by default of "all I want is HIM".
But, in thinking no contact is a solution - you use it as a bandaid on a problem requiring surgical approach.
You need to get the delineation...my hopes, dreas, expectations - they're mine, and still there - he's not not capable of meeting them becuase of who he is - that i cannot change. Some people only learn the hard way - by keeping their head in the sand of delusion, doing and giving, sacrificing and enduring for this other person while using situational justification as the reason the person "isn't who I want or thought or need"....and they do that repeatedly until they've divested themselves of tons of time, money, options, and opportuntiies on a personal level.....and they find themselves sinking into the pit that they were trying to raise this person out of.
At the point where you've really "got it" - that he is not going to be what you hope, dream, need, and want in spite of all you offer, do and sacrifice...then you'll want out...and you won't be thinking about "should I change my cell number, but keep my email so that if he changes he can find me again" - you'l lbe thinking "I am going to no more trouble and expense regarding this guy because I want nothing to do with him and know how to say no if he thinks there's more freebies at my expense for him to have.
I'm a huge proponent of staying "in" the problem 210% full bore, high intensity, scale 10 volume....until you want "a solution". Just wanting "out of the problem" is not "I want a solution".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If you honestly believe it will help you move on quicker, then do it. I personally do not think it will matter so much, as you know he still has your email and could get in contact with you if he wanted to. My friends all told me to do this the last time my bf and I broke up, but I decided I didn't want to change my cell, my home number, or anything else because of him. Because, as you said - if he wants to get in contact with you he will find a way anyway.
What I don't understand is why his number is in your cell at all - delete it!
although i agree with doubleblade's thread regarding no contact as a means for YOU to overcome your previous expectations of him and not a solution to just disolve it all ... at the same time, i think that if you personally believe that changing your cell number will make you feel better - then by all means!
i think, by doing that - youre taking your "recovery into your hands." its you saying that "i need him out as much as possible. im deleting all possibilities, all hope." three weeks into my breakup, i took matters into my own hands and retrieved my belongings from my ex (he kept avoiding it) - and although it wasnt a "big deal" and although i didnt HAVE to have my stuff back asap - it was representative of me taking my own recovery into my own hands...it was me saying, "im not waiting arund for you," "im taking MY stuff back," and "im cutting another shred of hope."
i think its one thing for us to employ NC - but definately another for us to cut ties for him to get to us...we can sit there and resist temptation to call him, but - its twice as hard to resist picking up when and if he calls... so if you feel like you can do it - all the power to you :)
and as purpleshoes noted - he shouldnt be in your phone AT ALL!
goodluck
eeksj
Actually, through all of this, there is still actually a possible "maybe" in the equation. But only if it's right for me and on my terms. I can't say that I will absolutely never ever go back because I'm unusre. Right now? Nope can't see it.
My hopes, dreams and status are all in tack. They were the same as before him. I don't feel hopeless now that relationship is over. I've always had the same dreams as before - I've never been one who dreamt about getting married and having kids or there ever being 'the one' - so the possibilities and the expectations of the future...the thought was there but I never try to look too far into the future because you never know what it will hold. I've never expected ANY man to deliver to me my hopes, dreams, and desires - I'm way too independent for that.
However, do I miss him. Not just our social status and security, it's rather nice to be out of "that" situation. But I miss our time spent together.
I won't sink into a pit of despair. That's just not me. I moped for a day or two from the mere shock of it all and brushed myself off, stood up. True enough I post here a lot, mostly it's for my own bennefit - a sort of a self healing thing (and to keep from annoying my friends as much as I have been).
anyways...re the cell, mainly i think it's for my own bennefit. I think it would help me move on a lot quicker. Much like when you move out of an area/state to start fresh and new. There's no chance I'm moving - although he works not too far away, I LOVE my area and wouldn't give it up for the world. I think of it as this. Starting fresh and new. I haven't decided yet though honestly. it would just feel like the ultimate nc.
i had taken it out however added it back in (as last week had a moment of weakness and answered when he called). having the number back in the phone lets me "block it" sometimes cell phone willing or just have his ring set to silent so when he calls it doesn't ring.
i guess i just didnt' want to deal with it at all. it's much easier for me to completely "erase/eradicate" a person out of existance than to keep them there only a little. i think this is what a lot of men do.
anyways, early and luckily housesitting at the beach. woo hoo. going to go and spend the week there tech free and enjoy the beautiful weather.
Has it occurred to you that the reason he moved on so quickly is becuase he was never "that into you" - in terms of the person that you are vs. the benefits and ease that being with you provided him.
Whereas you did lots of compromising and sacrificing in order to "be with him on his terms" - so you're more heavily invested in him and his potential as you view it - than he ever was in you.
In short, whatever he was expecting to get - he got. whatever you were wanting to get - you invested in and didn't get.
That keeps you "around" the scene of this fatality - whereas it allows him to move on.
He didn't expect to get anything he didn't get and the second what he was getting wasn't as easy to get - that was it, it was over.
The lowest "standard" iswhat can be adhered to in any union. He doesn't know how to be with a person out of respet and admiration of them as a person - he has done nothing to earn his own respect and admiration.
But it is easy for im to be with a person that benefits and provides for him, and accommodates his terms.....and that is all his standard and definition of a relationship and anybody that doesn't want that - he has no use for.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Defn YES "He doesn't know how to be with a person out of respet and admiration of them as a person - he has done nothing to earn his own respect and admiration." this is completely true.
but i honestly don't by that "he was never into you" or "not into you". He was into me very much so - at one point in time and he still may be into me who knows where his mind actually is, but now apparently he isn't. i'm aware people do change and evolve. for one reason or another it's a fact of life and that's fine. i know he's not "dating" this woman - our circles run tight so unfortunately i do hear things she did come out here last week she is planning on moving here in a few weeks, decided this after she met him a month ago. red flag but not my problem, so not 'dating' in the sense but having fun with yes im sure - he said he wanted to 'play a little before he settled down' so maybe he's doing this. i don't really care anylonger cause you know what...i actually saw her. them actually while at the beach yesterday on what was to be "anniversary" to boot which is kind of amusing if you really think about it since this is the day i saw them. they did not see me, i was riding up the coast and happened to look over (he's not the type easily missed) and see them walking.
there was no emotion. a little like wow, okay there it is. but no rage no sudden sadness just complete acceptance. it was weird actually, i saw this woman who wasn't anything like i had imagined and imo opinion not very attractive and the complete opposite that what i am - im brown skinned blown hair/eyes - she's white blond/blue. there was no comparison look wise, i don't know her in any other way so i can't compair thsi but i really don't care because suddenly...i was done. am done. maybe a little snug as im sure anyone might be in seeing the other woman and comparing yourself to them. i was like hey, im an incredible gal, he was lucky to have me (i knew this anyways!) and...she can have him. or he can have her, whatever the case may be.
so you know. not changing my number. not doing anything. i feel completely fine.