Gave him another chance, he left again..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Gave him another chance, he left again..
1
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 12:53pm
I was here in November when my boyfriend broke up with me because he needed time on his own to figure things out. Said he wasn't sure about the future, and wasn't ready to make any long-term commitments, couldn't see himself being married in the next five years. He's 27 and has a successful career, but would never talk with me about our future together. It didn't matter to me at the time because I'm not ready for marriage and settling down myself, and in every other way he was an incredible boyfriend. I've dated enough to know that he was different from any other guy I had been with. He was always attentive, affectionate, and respectful. He always put my happiness first and would do anything for me. That's why it's so confusing that someone could make you such a priority in their life and then leave so suddenly. After five weeks of being apart he was unhappy and missed me so he came back. Told me that he figured things out in his head, and he was happy in the relationship, completely in love, and things down the road would progress naturally like in any relationship. I took him back and he bought a place right down the street from me, gave me a key, and I pretty much moved in with him. Things were going really well, he was taking me on trips, always being incredibly sweet, but I think I was always insecure about knowing he was capable of leaving because of what had happened. I always questioned him and he said, No I want to be with you. I love you. And anytime I did bring up the future he still wasn't sure about what he wanted. I guess I couldn't let things progress naturally, I needed a reason for myself as to why we were together after two and a half years. If I asked him if he ever saw himself getting married, he said, "I don't know. I hope one day I'll be ready." So then the past two months his friends were coming in town a lot and they were always going out, and he travels all the time for work, I felt like he had less and less time for me. Then he told me labor day weekend he was going out of town with the guys and I was really upset because every year he always took me on a trip, and this year I wasn't invited. And then he told me he would probably be out of the country for work next month for a week, plus next month he had to leave town another weekend to help his friend move here. I was upset wondering when he would have any time for me. Then this past weekend his friend came in town and they had a guys' weekend, and I lost it on him. I felt like he was having less time for us, and more time for his friends, and this didn't help my insecurity about how serious he was about the relationship. So we had a long talk on Monday night, which somehow took a wrong turn, and ended in him telling me, once again, that he's not ready for a serious relationship. He's not ready to be with someone who he'll be with for the rest of his life, he has too much going on in his life right now, he said I love you more than I've ever loved someone in my life, and losing you is like losing a limb because you're part of me, but I can't be selfish and keep you from meeting someone who can offer you everything you want, because right now I can't give you what you want. He now wants to be alone for a while to figure out his life, just like he said last time seven months ago. Why did he come back and move me in with him and say all these things just to do it again? It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him, don't know if I will. I'm so lost because I was so comfortable in our routine every morning waking up in his arms and he would make me breakfast. Now I'm back at my mom's house and he lives right down the street. It's so hard I feel sick every day that this happened again, and this time I know we could never be together again and it hurts to imagine him never being in my life again. I have no desire right now to even go out with friends, because every thing I do I wish he was there with me. The last night we were together before we broke up we were planning our trip to Europe in the spring. We were out with my friends, and my girlfriend is in shock because she said he was all over me, very affectionate, kept kissing me all night. Is that the behavior of someone thinking about breaking up? I don't understand. I didn't think he would do this again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 2:21pm
Hello,

((hugs))

I think most of us on this Board can relate to - most if not all- of what you are saying. I know I can. I, too, gave my X a second chance after separating for 4 mos. We had been dating almost 2 yrs when he told me that he wasn't sure about moving to CA (where I'm from) to do his medical residency. At the time, I was completing my MBA and had a full-time, darn good job with a major investment banking firm in CA. If I were to have moved to the small town where he's from in OH, I may not have been able to find as good opportunities there as I would in SanFran or LA. And let's face it, I would've been the one supporting the both of us for a good while - at least thru his residency & fellowship. (Oh yes, he also wanted to do a 3-4 yr fellowship on top of his 4yr residency.) What he told me was "I am having a hard time cutting the umbilical cord." Yes, my X was a mama's boy.

Four months later, he started contacting me again. At first, they were small gestures (i.e. text msg, e-mail), then graduated to phone calls and invitations to go with him on some residency trips/interviews. Of course, I was flattered because this meant that he wanted me in his future, he wanted my input on his - OUR - future, he wanted me near him. And he said as much. He told me that he wanted me with him because I needed to feel comfortable living in a place before he committed to it. He even gave me input on which hospitals to rank on his residency Match list. The list goes on & on. I could write a book on all his gestures & sayings- actions that made me feel like a lifelong commitment was in the works.

After we found out where he was going to go for residency, things started unraveling... again. Way back when, we promised ourselves that we would get engaged after he & I both graduated from our respective programs, and then marry one yr later- in b/w his 1st & 2nd yr of residency. So naturally, I was expecting a proposal any day now. Wrong! One day, I was talking to one of his best friends about commitment and it came out that my X had told him that he wasn't ready to commit/marry anytime in the near future and that he wanted to enjoy life first. By the end of the convo, my X's best friend was even telling me I could do better and that I should kick my then-BF's a$$ to the curb. Needless to say, that is exactly what I did.

For the next 8 mos, my X continued to contact me for one reason or another. I would get random gifts from him in the mail or phone calls/e-mails/letters from him for no reason. Without any prompting or response from me, he'd tell me about his experiences with his patients, his fellow doctors, mutual acquaintances, etc. I tried to be as disinterested as possible. Also, I never answered any of his questions about my personal life.

It came to a head when I realized that his constant kneedling was disrupting my life. It was preventing me from completely healing, from moving on, and forgetting about him. I finally had to tell him to get out of my life once & for all. He contacted me once more after that, but I never responded.

What I've learned from this experience is multi-fold:

**Don't keep berating yourself for falling for your X again. You gave it your all, now you can move on with a feeling of "I tried my best."

**Now you know - FOR SURE- that your X is not in the same place in life as you. He obviously cannot handle longterm commitment right now.

**You know what to look for the next time around. You know the warning signs.

** You know what you want, your boundaries & tolerance level.

I know this isn't much comfort to you now, but it will once the grief fades. This experience will only make you stronger. It did me.

Take care,

~Claire