Getting back together - advice
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| Sat, 05-21-2005 - 1:37pm |
I have been reading this board for a while, trying to help me through a difficult breakup. We actually dated, broke up, dated, and broke up again (he made the decision to end things). My question is this - for those of you who have gotten back together with exes, what is the best approach?
1. Telling the ex how you feel, then telling them either we are together as a couple or I can't be friends (I realize this won't work right away - we would probably not talk for several months)
2. Keeping your friendship alive, and hoping that in time he will want to give it another try
3. Acting like you don't care either way.
The first time we broke up, I went with #2, even while he was dating someone else. We ended up getting back together for about 7 months, then he did the same thing. I know I am going to get advice that I shouldn't want to get back together with him, but the fact remains that I do. By the way, we really haven't had much contact since the breakup over 2 months ago. A couple of emails, a couple of calls.
Advice please!

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The first approach is best, because it allows you to move on while letting him know that you'd be open to hearing from him IF he changes his mind, but in the meantime, you need to not have contact with him. I've had two exes call wanting to get back together after months or even a year or so of no contact; I tried with one and it didn't work out, though as the same issues that broke us up were still there (I wasn't interested in trying again with the other).
Sheri
If you and your ex have broken up more than once, as opposed to thinking and planning for the third round, I think it would be best to first consider why, after two tries, the two of you weren't able to make a sucess of your relationship.
Then, ask yourself what could happen for you both, individually, and the two of you, keeping in touch, that gives you a clear indication a third try could be the one to work? Two people can keep trying to make things work, but sometimes, you have to accept more chances doesn't necessarily lead to change.
If you have thought matters through and you are willing to give it another chance, you are best to let things happen naturally: otherwise, planning for how is best to get back together again is contrived.
Either things happen as they should - naturally, and without a plan in advance - or things just aren't meant to be.
I agree with enjoy that it really should happen naturally if it's truly meant to be.
But of the three options you have listed, I think the first would be the best. Honesty is very important in a relationship and if he doesn't want to be together as a couple, he needs to understand that it is too difficult for you to remain friends.
Best of luck to you.
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"You get what you settle for"...
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"You get what you settle for"...
Email. That way, you are able to say everything you want to say, and there's no chance of confusion...you've laid it out in a clear message that he can refer to later if he needs to.
Sheri
I don't want to put you on the defense, nor come off sounding heavy handed. But I have to be honest with you.
This guy has broken up with you twice. After the first time, he moved on to a new partner; after the second time, you have heard from him just a few times.
Again, I know how it feels to want to give someone another chance, and how trying to envision how such could, or might, happen can be of concern. But, the fact remains this is someone who, on two seperate occasions, decided he didn't want to be with you. After the first break up, he proved it even more by finding a new girlfriend; after the second break up, he is showing his interest again by not keeping in contact with you in a way that shows any clear possibility he may want to get back together.
I really do think that, in the long run, you will be further ahead by putting yourself first: making plans to find someone who is your ideal partner the first time around, not when you give them a third chance.
Do yourself a favour: tell yourself that in two months time - as much time that has passed since your last break up, and as much time that he has had to tell you how he feels - you will review the potential of sending him an email, calling, etc. to tell him you would still be interested to get back together.
If, in that time, he still hasn't said the same to you, or gotten in touch, you will already know what his answer will be.
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