Getting back together - advice
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| Sat, 05-21-2005 - 1:37pm |
I have been reading this board for a while, trying to help me through a difficult breakup. We actually dated, broke up, dated, and broke up again (he made the decision to end things). My question is this - for those of you who have gotten back together with exes, what is the best approach?
1. Telling the ex how you feel, then telling them either we are together as a couple or I can't be friends (I realize this won't work right away - we would probably not talk for several months)
2. Keeping your friendship alive, and hoping that in time he will want to give it another try
3. Acting like you don't care either way.
The first time we broke up, I went with #2, even while he was dating someone else. We ended up getting back together for about 7 months, then he did the same thing. I know I am going to get advice that I shouldn't want to get back together with him, but the fact remains that I do. By the way, we really haven't had much contact since the breakup over 2 months ago. A couple of emails, a couple of calls.
Advice please!

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Hey,
I haven't been on the board for a while. With me, I would love to get back together with my ex. But I know it's probably a stupid thing to do. Long story short, the only reason, I'm no longer in a depression and pining for him is 'cos I cut him out of my life totally. Some people has told me that they can be friends but I don't think it can happen.
'Cos one will never feel special again and how can you resolve that? Also, you will always keep hoping... Hope needs nothing to continue. And you deserve to get on with your life. Waiting for someone is a useless exercise. I know.
Take care.
I know I am going to get advice that I shouldn't want to get back together with him, but the fact remains that I do.
I do not know the circumstances and why you broke up or he broke up or the reasons. But you said in your reply mail that YOU tod him NOT to call??? You don't want advise about getting back together with him. Ok, so that is your decision, and yours alone. But first ask yourself why does any of this even matter. Do you hang around the same people?? Do you see him frequently??
If you go with option #1, tell him how you feel, what are you hoping to achieve? What do you want him to do or say?? Who has been sending the couple of emails and couple of calls? If this was you, then you might have to look inside yourself and accept the fact that he has moved on. Sorry, I don't want to sound harsh, If he has called and emailed then you might have hope. with option #2 but give it time. I know this is much easier said than done. Please try to get busy with other interests and love yourself first. Option #3 Nothing makes a man miss you more than them suddenly waking up one day and realizing "hey she hasn't called me in weeks" I wonder what she's doing, I wonder where she's been" It's good for them to wonder, If he cares about you, he will wonder a LOT.....
Look I really wish you all the best, I hope you get back with him if you want to. No one but you knows the reasons why....I have been with a man for 8 years, and we break up and get back together again about twice a year. Each time I go back, he tells me the same thing, it makes him crazy not knowing what I am doing, or where I am. So you see they do think like women, sometimes....
hugs to you
BB
He initiated the call and email. His call was to let me know he was somewhere that reminded him of me. I didn't call him back, and when we talked a week later, he wondered why.
When we talked, he told me he missed our relationship - talking to me, my sense of humor, etc. I didn't ask him about getting back together because in the past it took him a while to realize his mistake - the more I push now the further he will run. He has issues with comittment (of course he doesn't think so) but both breakups happened when he started thinking about proposing and freaked out. He has the tendency to immediately get into another relationship to put distance between us, even though he refers to them as just "casual things."
I don't live near him - we live a 2 hours flight from each other. Coincidentally, he may be at an event this weekend where I will be - its a large event, and we will probably only "run into each other" if we make plans to. I'm kind of hoping he won't be there, because I think its too soon for a reconciliation. I was actually upset when he told me he might go, as it is something that my family goes to every year and he was supposed to go with us this year.
The reason I told him not to call is that I have always told him that he can't just have my friendship without the rest of the relationship - its all or nothing. He says he misses me and our friendship and doesn't understand why we can't maintain that.
Why do I want to get back together with him? Because I still love him and when we were together I was happier than I've ever been.
Oh my Dear Girl,
This sounds just way too familiar to me. If he has initiated the calls and emails, you do still have a chance, and this up coming weekend event might be a bitter sweet time for you, Do your best to maintain your cool around this man when you do see him, if he has issues with commitment, do your best to show him that it is the furthest thing from your mind. You are going to run into him if he is there, you will be on a constant look out for him. Would he be there with freinds that you know?? Please prepare yourself in your mind that you could see him with another woman. I know you love him, I don't want you to hurt anymore.
He is thinking about you and he wants you in his world in some capacity, even as a freind.. what's the rush? Try giving it a go at being his freind, not his bed partner just freinds. Firmly tell him you are not exclusive and you will be dating others as well. Don't call him, let him track you down and see what you have been up to. Just relax and see where that takes you. Maybe once he gets just a small taste of your sense of humor and all of the things he misses about you he will be banging your door down and demanding more of a relationship. Remain busy or apear to be, whatever you do dont let him think you are sitting at home...even if you are, try (and I suck at this one) not to answer the phone right away when he calls. Let him call back. You will know soon enough if he wants to get serious or if he plans to "date" you for the next 10 years...be patient. I think the guy still cares about you. Slowly move away and see what happens.
Good luck at your large event....
BB :)
If he does go, he'll be with his brother, so at least I won't have to worry about him being with another girl. I know that he still cares about me, but I'm worried that if I back away too much it will be "out of sight, out of mind" Its hard because we live so far apart - if I don't see him this weekend it will probably be months before I have an opportunity to see him.
This is just so hard, because I want to be with him so much. I wrote a really long email, basically putting my feelings out there, but I didn't send it - I'm afraid he'll just reject me again.
I guess I'm just scared that I've lost him forever. :o(
Lost Girl-
First I'll give you a little of my recent experience. Then I'll address your original post.
In the early days of my breakup, I realized I couldn't figure out if I was trying to get back with my ex or whether I was trying to get over my ex. I figured the best approach, either way, was to take care of myself. I needed to do the things that made me happy and kept me busy. The ex and I were in touch and I couldn't imagine cutting him out all of a sudden. I thought that if I was living a fabulous life, it might make him miss me. However; if it didn't, at least I was moving on and reconnecting with friends.
I know that if I tell my ex the truth he will likely say he's sorry, but he doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to have the rejection again. So I'm taking the steps to move on and slowly but surely, I'm less interested in winning him back.
So my advice to you based on your original three options...
1. Tell him how you feel and your terms only if you are prepared for whatever he says and to potentially leave it at that.
2. Staying friends is dangerous. It can just prolong the pain of the end. Take this path only if you are willing to give lots of time and patience.
3. Ice cool baby. Again this will take lots of patience. It can be the most effective and quickest, but you risk setting a dangerous pattern for the future. He may only want you when he can't have you.
Whatever you do take care of yourself first. Think three steps ahead of where your heart is now. What mey save pain today may not be the best in the long run. It's ironic that we all have very different and unique stories that brought us here. Yet we all ended up here because of our broken hearts. Take comfort. Hugs.
Lola
Hey Lost Girl,
Lola just gave you the best advise you could get. She is 100% right when she says keeping busy is key. It does require a LOT of patience, more than I can muster up.
I sure hope that things work out for you and this has a happy outcome....
BB
Gosh, your situation is tough. And I know, because I am going through something similar. However, for me, at this time we cannot and are not friends. Too much has been said that cannot be taken back. I am also long distance from him like you (NYC to VA), and that makes it all the more tough.
My advice, which I know but don't take, is to give it time. I want to be back with my ex, but I pushed too much. And then when I would stop, he called. Now, because of some other issues that just occurred last week, I pushed again and I really believe the door is shut. You don't want that to happen. Send an email, but realize that he has the choice to read it, keep it, delete it, or never open it. Today I had 7 emails with my ex, and he just wants the situation to be done. He wants to end the communication because for him, he has made a decision. I disagree with his decision, but now I must accept it.
Acceptance is where I think you need to arrive to next. I am not sure how old you are, but I am 27. I have such a hard time accepting this even though we broke up over a month ago. Yesterday would have been a year for us. And he was my best friend (before we started dating, so it was the real thing). I am not a spring chicken; I have been here and done this many times. But every time it hurts. My advice that I give is only you know when you have taken all you can take. I thought I had hit the bottom friday, but apparently not yet. And I am even dating someone else...who treats me like a queen. But still, I miss my friend. And I am sure you miss that also.
Perhaps there are other answers out there; I could certainly use them also! All I know is that we will survive and life will happen, because it always does.
Best to you and to me, monica
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