Getting back together - advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2005
Getting back together - advice
24
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 1:37pm

I have been reading this board for a while, trying to help me through a difficult breakup. We actually dated, broke up, dated, and broke up again (he made the decision to end things). My question is this - for those of you who have gotten back together with exes, what is the best approach?

1. Telling the ex how you feel, then telling them either we are together as a couple or I can't be friends (I realize this won't work right away - we would probably not talk for several months)

2. Keeping your friendship alive, and hoping that in time he will want to give it another try

3. Acting like you don't care either way.

The first time we broke up, I went with #2, even while he was dating someone else. We ended up getting back together for about 7 months, then he did the same thing. I know I am going to get advice that I shouldn't want to get back together with him, but the fact remains that I do. By the way, we really haven't had much contact since the breakup over 2 months ago. A couple of emails, a couple of calls.

Advice please!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:27pm
I know it's hard going through all this and you must be on one heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride...but it will get better!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:14pm

Hi Lost girl,

Me again. Just wondering how your weekend away went and did you run into you ex? I hope all is good...

:)
BB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:43pm

Hi - I appreciate your concern. I ended up typing him the email and not sending it. I thought I might, but I wanted to let it rest for a few days before I decided. I then found out that he was bringing his new girlfriend to the event (luckily I didn't run into them). Then he pulled the "I want to be friends, but we can't talk about anything that went on in the past." I was so upset and so angry at him. He truly is a selfish, manipulative jerk. So I sent him a different email telling him I didn't want to be friends on his terms. I told him that I still loved him, but we had to put the relationship - everything - in the past. I told him that I knew he was going to be angry about that, but he made the decision to end our relationship and that means all of it.

He didn't respond, which surprised me, but he probably isn't taking me seriously. We've had the "no contact" talk so many times before that he probably assumes I just need to cool off.

I spent the night crying uncontrollably, but when I woke up I was mad. Furious. So I typed him another email (that I didn't send!) that just unloaded all my anger. He has no idea that I think he's a jerk, he still thinks I'm pining after him (which I was until a couple of days ago). It was great to get it all out, but I'm not going to send it to him. I have always tried to handle our breakup with class, despite how much he has hurt me, and that is how I want him to remember me, not as some bitter, hateful scorned woman.

I guess it took this latest incident to finally flip the "done" switch in my head. I now see what everyone else has seen for the last year and a half. I can see now how he manipulated me to serve his own needs instead of caring about mine. I really am done.

Thanks everyone for your help - I appreciate all the posts and recommendations!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 8:27pm

I am just wondering the folllowing about getting back together -

Several posters in this thread have said that if the guy broke up with you, *he* should make contact and suggest getting back together, not the girl. If he doesn't make contact, he is not interested in a reunion.

Now, I am in the following situation: my bf broke up with me recently. The reason for the break-up is partly because of certain attributes of me that he is not happy with (and I am not happy with, so this breakup has given me the kick I needed to change it for my own sake). I suggested that once I have changed these attributes, could we try again?

He said that he would rather talk about stuff like this (i.e. thinking about giving it another go) when a few weeks have passed, and emotions have calmed down, and he knows more clearly why he says that a reunion might be possible: is it because he feels that we have a good chance it would work once I have changed, or is it because of another reason?

He says he misses me so much at the moment, and it hurting from the break-up, and that that might lead him to think *now* that he wants to try again. But that he is not sure what his feelings on a reunion will be once we've had no-contact for a while, and he's hadtime to think about the situation and get used to life without me.

Any advice? Is his suggestion of giving it a few weeks before considering our feelings about a possible reunion an indicator that he is not really interested? And should he be the first one to make contact if he is truly interested?

Thanks!

Pages