Getting harder each day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
Getting harder each day...
4
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:47pm

hi everyone,

a little background - my boyfriend broke up with me on april 24. he said I had "communication issues" which is something I vowed I'd work on. besides, it wasn't just me who had the communication issues. it was him too. i really resent that he blamed me because it was not all my fault. i told him so when we were breaking up, and he agreed. he never put me 1st (or 2nd...or 3rd!). i never saw him much...he never had enough time for me. it's not like i was asking for his attention around the clock, but a little of it would be nice! so i am thinking it wasn't just the communication thing that made him want to end it. it was a cop out...he just wanted out of the relationship. we'd been together from feb 2006 to june 2006. we got back together in novemeber and he dumped me in 2 weeks ago.

it's been so hard. when we first broke up, all i did was cry. then i felt strong, and realized i needed to make a change in my life and be more self assured and confident. i want to better myself. i know i deserve good things, and although he was good to me in the beginning, it didnt end that way. i wonder WHY he let me go. i was so good to him, supportive, loving. it's his loss if he can't see that, right?

this is getting harder each day. time is not working in my favor! i told him i need my space and i can't talk to him right now, but i'm angry because he knew i was upset and hasnt even called to see if i'm ok. why doesn't he care? why hasnt he emailed to see how i am doing? i know i have no right to be angry about it. i told him i need distance, but it's hard not to hear from him. i have all of these conflicting thoughts - i'm happy he's gone, relieved i don't have to deal with the bs, sad because i miss him. he's always there in the back of my head, poking at the backs on my eyes!! sigh.

i know i need to move on. but i miss him. and i shouldn't. if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have let me go. he wanted to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. i know he'll regret the day he let me go someday, but i can't stay around waiting for it. i'm just scared of what the future holds for me. he promised me forever (talked about getting engaged, kids...he brought it up, not me!) and then he tells me we moved too fast. he doesnt know what he wants!

i just need to realize this is for the best, but it's so hard to see past the pain right now.

thanks so much for reading.

Mari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 6:21pm
Hi there....
I had the same situation with my now ex BF. While I admitted that I had communication issues to him, he still made it difficult to be open about how I felt at any given time. I too felt neglected, ignored, emotionally abandoned and just like I was nothing. I tried to approach him how I felt many times, reminding him that he was the one who told me that if I needed to talk he would listen. It would always end up the same...us fighting...because while he told me to talk, he would get angry at what was upsetting me. He then flat out told me that he only told me to tell him when things bothered me just to hang on to me. He didn't really care how I felt. We never went out, he spent more time on the phone to other women, like his ex; forgot my b-day, gave the silent treatment all of the time...it just tore me up. I finally broke it off after hearing enough of the 'I'm going to work on this or that' talk. He's called me several times and we've talked and cried together over our loss of our relationship we vowed we'd work on together...I'm sad and take responsibility for my part in it all, and so does he. Now I found out today he's already with another woman!!! Part of me is glad so that the door doesn't remain open...I truely want him to be happy, and I need to find someone to make me happy as well. I hope you realize you deserve to be treated well, and find someone you can truely open up to! Lots of Love!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 7:02pm

You sound exactly like me, and I am proud that you are doing so good, which you might not see. I know how it feels, and I won't repeat everything you said, but the whole you asked for distance, and he knows you are hurting so why doesn't he check in? It's so easy to say that he's an erogant a-hole, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. I keep hoping that time will heal, and once we find a guy who will make us number 1 (or 2 if he puts family first), then we will finally fully let him and the memories go..

Good luck hun! Feel free to vent anytime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:18pm

mpiece and bluebaby reading your posts is like reading about me. it's so amazing to me how similar experiences we all have here and the feelings and thoughts that go with them. like you guys i never felt like i was #1. although we had a blast hanging out, it remained at that. i never felt comfortable talking to him. it was an effort opening up. sure we had fun, a lot of it, but part of me held back and part of him held back too. i tried so much to fit into this ideal of what he wanted but ended up compromising what i wanted to fit his interests and wants. that was my mistake and i regret it, and i wonder if i was myself whether he'd fall in love with me (he said that as much as he absolutely adored me he never saw himself falling for me...harsh words to hear). i think i'll always wonder that.

but then you know, i start thinking, why didn't he try to get to know me more? why was it always about him, his schedule? if he was truly the one, then he'd adore everything about me and see himself spending the rest of his life with me. and talking wouldnt be so much of an effort.

we've been broken up for more than a month now, and the only thing i can tell you to give you hope, is that time at least gives you some perspective. although i loved so many things about him, and are so scared that i won't find anyone who i want to spend so much time with, there were a lot of things that were wrong. it felt wrong from the beginning and i guess that never went away. looking back, i can see that now. i can pinpoint every situation that something kept nagging me.

the bad thing is that so far we've hung out since we broke up. and that messes me up every time. i'm hoping that i'll put a stop to it soon (if he doesn't do it for me-which i think he will because he's actually a pretty decent guy). but just letting you know if the situation arises for you guys, just walk away. it makes you doubt all the progress that you've made and start all over again.

anyways..just take it a day at a time right now. hugs to all..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:03pm

thank you SO much for your responses. it makes me feel a little better to know that there are ladies out there who are dealing with the same thing as me. and a few times i have felt that maybe if I were DIFFERENT, he'd put more effort into the relationship. maybe if i were more funny, prettier, outgoing (he never liked my shyness!), he'd make more of an effort to make things work. but I know that's wrong. it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. I wanted to work on things - he didn't...so there is nothing i can do. and i agree that seeing him would set me back. i can't see him. i know it'll be too hard. and it hurts but it's time to put my needs first for a change. he wants to be friends but i don't care. i can't do it. it's just getting really hard. i miss him, even though he dumped me!

if he wanted out, there's nothing i can do. maybe it is a blessing and i'll look back on this in the future and think of it as a learning experience.

I know I deserve better. we ALL do!!