Getting her back

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Getting her back
20
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:40pm

Not too long ago I ended a relationship with my very serious girlfriend. She ended things due to my dependency on her. I have confronted the issues and and now looking to reconcile. I have written her a letter but would like others opinions before I give it to her. It's long but really only takes 10 minutes to get through. Your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

A Letter from Me to You

My dearest (Name),

As you know, I have always been better at the written word than expressing myself through voice when I want to talk about important issues and my feelings. No matter how hard I try to think, plan, and prepare to get my words just right, my true meanings are often misconstrued. Because I do not wish for that to happen now, I wanted to write you an old-fashioned letter to say some things that are very important to me. I ask that you read it with an open mind and an open heart as everything I wish to say comes directly from mine. It would mean a lot to me for you to read it very carefully and more than once if you have to. A long time ago you sent me a note and told me to hold onto it and reread it whenever I needed to. I have on many occasions and it has been a great help to me; especially now during the past few months. Although it is a very different topic, my desire is that you do the same with this so you can see my innermost thoughts and feelings.

When we first separated, I didn’t know how to react. At first I tried to mask my emotions and be strong. Even though I constantly told myself everything would be alright, I couldn’t help feeling lost, scared, sad, alone, and like my world was falling apart. I found it very difficult to not only take care of myself, but to take care of someone more important than myself; my son. I became detached from everything in my life, lost interest in work and activities, and became removed from others in my life that care about me. There were so many things in our relationship that I began to take for granted. I felt I needed you help financially and your help with my son. I felt I wouldn’t be able to survive a day without you. Because of all of these things, I tried to hold on tight to everything we had. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and let unnecessary drama unfold. Even though at the time I did not believe I was pushing you, I have come to realize now that I was. It has become very apparent to me that our relationship in the final months was based on my dependency to some extent. Please know that it was never my intention to become so dependent on you. Another problem I had at first was not listening to your words. Although I thought I was hearing everything you had to say, I was not truly listening. It is that exactly that made me overanalyze each and every statement I thought I heard and why I pushed so hard. I was wrong, and for that I am truly sorry.

That being said, I have spent a lot of time actually going back in my mind over everything you did say. Even though it took me a long time, it is now I can truly say I did in fact listen to everything and I finally understand what you were saying to me. At first I was hurt (and even a little angry) by you wanting a separation from me. I can honestly say now that I am so happy and so very proud of you for holding your ground and doing and saying what you needed to finally get your point across. It is with complete and utter respect and admiration that I can say I am fully supportive of your decision to take some much needed time apart from one another. All of those things you have said and you have done have made me realize just what a truly amazing woman you really are. It is because of that I can say no matter what the final outcome is and no matter what decision you make, I know it will be the best decision for you. I know it will be the best decision for me. And I know it will be the best decision for us.

Over the course of the last few months I have been extremely busy trying to determine what really went wrong with us individually and as a couple. I have taken a step back and detached myself from you to really gain some insight and evaluate the relationship from a totally different perspective. It is something I never would have had the motivation for had we not taken time apart. I have come to realize that being apart for a while was probably the best thing that could have happened to our relationship. I’ve used my time to delve into book upon book, speak to others I normally would not have, and even gone to another level to seek counseling from a professional therapist. All of these things have allowed me to gain a true sense of what happened and how to resolve things within my own heart and mind. Trust me when I say I am far from an expert on relationships, but at least it has given me a better understanding. Truth be told, everything I have learned is what you have been saying from the beginning that I had refused to listen to. There is so much to learn and I will probably never in my life know everything there is to know. What I can say is that I am dedicated to continuing the education in the hopes that I may some day have the relationship I want and deserve.

As I said, I have really gained some useful knowledge about what it takes to develop and maintain a great relationship. The first thing I learned is that a relationship is far better and enjoyable when you are with someone that enriches your life rather than reflects it. It is with that we can come together to learn from one another and teach each other new things. We do not need to enjoy all of each others interests. There is nothing wrong with having an interest the other does not enjoy. Thus, it is important to maintain a sense of self and independence. If we force someone else to do these things, we lose a bit of that independence and it causes unnecessary tension and conflict. It simply is not worth it. But when we do have a conflict, I’ve also learned that it really is alright. I have always had a misconception that arguing was a sign of weakness and a breakdown of the relationship. Quite the contrary as arguing can actually help the relationship because it allows us to communicate and work through our issues. However, there are always going to be things we disagree about. It is something we simply have to accept as long as it doesn’t mean we sacrifice our own personal values. We cannot expect that anyone, no matter who they are, is perfect. I cannot and will not ask you to change to fit “me” because it simply isn’t fair to either of us. The only changes I have control over making or expect are those that involve myself.

One thing you said to me at the beginning of our separation that has really stuck with me through all of this was the statement that even though you still love and care about me, you weren’t “in love” with me. But also at the same time you mentioned you really don’t know what love is. Truth be told, neither do I. Falling in love with someone is very different than being in love with someone. Actually being in love with someone takes a long time to develop and neither of us has ever been with anyone long enough to know what it truly feels like. In fact, I don’t think there are many people that do know what love is. Love has so many different stages and together we are constantly moving from one to the next. I want to learn how to move through those stages as well. I did fall in love with you and we fell in love with each other. We are simply too young and not versed enough to say anything more than that just yet.

Please understand my focus has not been solely on our relationship. I have made a plan and set goals for myself that I fully intend to stick to. So you know, my goal is not (and I stress NOT) to use words, list changes and improvements in my life, and make promises to try and convince you of something or to try and win you back. In fact, the last thing I want to do is try and win you over. Rather, I want you to really think about what I am saying to give you a sense of what I am doing and my own personal progress. I am certain you too are taking some time to think about and do the same things I am for yourself. I have acknowledged that I am powerless over you and the decisions you make. The only control I have is over myself, my feelings, and my own actions. All I can do is tell you where I am at in my life. It is only when we have the same goals and aspirations that we can come back together. We both have to want the same things.

So now it is very important to and for me to tell you where I am at. I have taken a step back to concentrate on me, doing those things that are good my own mind, body, and soul, and ultimately good for our relationship. First and foremost, you need to know that I am doing these things for me. I will admit it is partly about you and for us, but at this point it is mostly about me. It may sound selfish for me to say this, but there are three parts to a relationship…me, you, and us. The only way there could ever be an us is for me and me alone to figure out who I truly am, what I feel I need, and what I want. Not only must I do these things, so must you. I have really started to focus on myself, get to know myself, and regain my emotional balance. Rather than living my life through someone else, I am finding out who I am as I am also certain you are doing the same. It is still a work in progress but I believe I have developed more self-respect and self-confidence. I have done this by simply caring about myself. Before, I found it very easy to neglect my physical needs which is why I have started taking better care of myself. It really has changed my well-being and my attitude. That attitude change has allowed me to excel at work and the new confidence has given me new skills while having less fear when it comes to talking to and meeting other people. I will not lie and say I have met a lot of people, but I have met several and have started to develop relationships with them on a friendship level. In fact, I have even started doing activities and taking classes that I have always wanted to do. It would be my honor for you to join me in these but I won’t ask until I am fully comfortable. I will say that one day I think you will be pleasantly surprised. On top of all that, I have become more financially aware and responsible. I have made necessary arrangements and in a very short time taken care of a significant portion of my debt. Again, I am not there yet completely but I am dedicated and firmly believe I am well on my way.

(Name), when I first met you I was completely captivated by your overwhelming beauty from the first moment you walked through the door of that crowded bar. After being able to sit and talk to you, I was intrigued by your confidence and by your intelligence. But it was your overall personality that blew me away and drew me in. Over time, as I learned more and more about you, I began to admire and respect you as I have no other. You are an amazing woman that has everything in the world going for you and at your fingertips. Not a day goes by that I don’t boast to people about who you are and all of your accomplishments. You and I work very well together and I firmly believe that we do enrich and embellish each others lives. We have shared our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, and aspirations with one another. Almost all the time we are on the same page. We know how each other is feeling without saying a word and we can complete each others thoughts. Together we became best friends, companions, confidants, and lovers. We are both very loving and caring people and I remember all the little things we’ve done for each other to demonstrate that. During the course of our relationship, I have learned so much from you. Even now while we are apart I am still learning things. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have taught me how to rebuild myself and get back to my core values. You have given me a new found self-respect and self-confidence. You have shown me how to be a friend and how to be a better father. Most importantly you have shown me how to be a better man. All I am now and all I have become I owe to you. You have given me the strength and desire to once again be me.

Everything I have said thus far and will continue to say holds true. I have reached far inside to express my deepest thoughts and feelings to tell you how I feel and my dedication to not only myself, but to you as well. To me, there has never been anything more important, more meaningful, nor more from the heart as the things I say to you today. I have fully accepted that I leave myself vulnerable by reaching out to you, wanting you more than ever before, and letting myself go through these words. I do this because I have hope you and I can work through things. I do this because I owe it to myself. I put myself on line knowing full well that I do not need you. It is of no loss to me to express myself. I have gone on and I have moved forward without you. I can finally say to myself and to you, (Name), I do not need you. But (Name), for so many reasons I still want you.

I have accepted that I am fully responsible for the breakdown of our relationship. I have accepted your faults and yet I still see all of the good within you. I have accepted my faults and what I need to do to improve upon them. I vow to aim my frustrations in the right direction and to be upfront and forthright with you. The changes I make personally do not make me right. However, they give me a happiness that I would love to show you. I believe with that happiness you and I together can overcome any obstacle that comes before us. I believe you and I are both strong enough to be happy; on our own and together.

I have realized it is never too late to rebuild something that has gone astray. I believe it is reasonable for me to want a rewarding and fulfilling relationship. After all, I deserve a high-quality, caring relationship. You and I care about each other deeply and have both told each other that our relationship was the best and most meaningful either of us have ever had. I have thought long and hard about the things that hurt us along the way. And at the same time, I have made improvements to myself and have become realistic about the issues we’ve faced. I have accepted, acknowledged, and become committed to all I need to do for myself and for us without losing myself or asking you to sacrifice yourself. I believe I know you better than anyone else. I believe I know what you need and what you want. I believe we share the same needs and wants.

(Name), you asked for time and you said you would reevaluate and think about things after three months of separation if things drastically changed. Well they have. I am not asking you through these words or with promises to make a decision that would for now affect the rest of your life. Figuratively speaking, if I could grab your hands from across the table and look directly into your eyes, I would ask you to give us a chance and recommit to being a couple again, and open the lines of communication to use our past as a foundation for building a relationship with each other that is better and stronger than ever before. Coming back together again is not the end, but rather a new beginning.


Yours very truly,

Me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 5:52pm
i'm in VA. does this "send e-mail" function actually work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:03pm
That it does
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:40pm

How do you even deal with seeing each other still? Isn't the pain unbearable? You see that person, you want to be with them but they can't give you want you want?

How do you cope? I thought that's why everyone advises No Contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:49pm
Please understand it has now been a month without having seen her and with very limited voice contact. I asked to see her, she agreed. That in itself tells me she is open to something. She could have easily said no. I will let you know what happens when I see her. Trust me when I tell you that I am already all nerves!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:33am
T minus 24 hours until we are supposed to get together (a date we set 2 weeks ago and have not had communication since). We have no definative plans and I have yet to hear from her. Do I call, email, text? As much as I hate to admit it, I am ok if she changed her mind. I just want to know. Suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:34pm
When you set the date was it 'set' or were one of you supposed to call and confirm? You can always make a really quick call to confirm the time and place.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:42am

Well guys, our "date" never happened. She called me the night before and left me a message saying she would get together but we had time constraints. She went ahead and made plans after with girlfriends. When the day approached, she was running late and asked me if it was still worth it to only spend an hour together or if we should reschedule. I stood my ground on told her that I would only reschedule if she WANTED to see me. She say no and said she was only seeing me out of guilt. So we had a talk and she basically told me that it was over. Although she was constantly sending me signals that she wanted to work on things or actually take the time to figure things out, she once again said those things were only said out of guilt. So now what? I move on knowing that I was a fool for believing in her cold, heartless person.

I have this letter that I know will not do any good to send, but I also feel that I put in a lot of time and effort for it not to go unread. Should I send it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:44am

If you send it what kind of response are you expecting? I mean, it sounds like it will only add to her guilt and that really isn't the response you want, right?

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:14pm

Dude, that's not a letter, that's a documentary. Blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, I couldn't read it. And neither will she. She dumped you because of your dependency? You don't say. You're not just dependant you're obsessive. That is even worse! If you ever have a chance to get back with her, this is not the way to do it. You come across like a wimp and not a man. Which is what she realized she wanted when she dumped you. Dependancy is just about as an attractive quality you can find. There's only one that beats it.

Begging. Which is what you're doing here like nowhere I've seen before.

Get off your knees. Stand tall. Get a hobby. You are all that and a bag of chips.

With or without her.

And she does not bring out your best qualities. Nooooooooooooooo. Reek, reek, reek (sound of knife being raised, up and down in a stabbing motion).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:12pm

NO, don't send the letter, she's moved on.

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