getting him to return my stuff

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
getting him to return my stuff
8
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 2:14pm

Boy, this has been a fun week. Sunday night I had an Oscar-watching party, and the guy I had been seeing for 6 months came, having never met any of my other guests previously. Hey, I was pretty excited for him to meet my friends, and I thought he would be too. Uh, not really.

Saying he was "tired," he sat like a lump on the couch and didn't say more than two words to anyone the whole time. I told him after everyone else had left that he shouldn't have come over if he was too tired to be a real party guest. In retrospect, I let him off easy, and about 10-15 minutes later, I had worked up a full head of steam. So I called his cell phone, and he didn't answer. Tried a couple more times, then left a message asking him to call. Still no response, so I emailed him, saying I was upset and hurt that he cared so little about me to act this way at my party. (Besides not speaking to any of my friends, even after I introduced him, he sat watching TV when one girl had an allergic reaction to something in a drink. This is completely unfathomable, in my view.)

No response. The next morning (Monday), at a decent hour, I called again, and this time the phone's message said "this person is unavailable." I emailed him again and said I wouldn't bother him again. And that's been all since then, aside from the tears and frustration on my side. My best friend is there for me, and she's helped me get through the bad moments, but I'd like to know what your advice is on a more practical matter.

He has my fragrant neck pillow that you microwave and use to ease pain -- it's not terribly valuable in money terms, but it works really well when I have a sore neck, and I'd like it back. Also, he bought concert tickets for us last week, I gave him $75 for mine, and he cashed the check before the argument. I know -- common wisdom is to let bygones be bygones, but if there's a simple, relatively painless way to get him to give me my ticket (I should note that it's a general admission ticket, so we wouldn't be sitting next to one another!) and the neck pillow, I'm open to suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 2:36pm

Welcome to the board writerkaty,


You might let some time pass before contacting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:25pm

Wow. You might not like this, I'll tell you that right now.

I have to say you were pretty unforgiving of him. Do I really have to point out that not everyone can be the life of the party, not everyone steps right up to social situations, especially where there's some underlying pressure of meeting a group of your SO's friends? That's inherently full of pressure for many people and it wouldn't be the first time someone had a social meltdown from the experience.

He'd never met your friends before, and maybe it's because you never got around to it, maybe it's because he's a shy guy among a group of new people. Did you hold up your end of responsibility by at least bringing up something he might have in common with someone at your party, in order to help break the ice? That's what the host/hostess does. Everyone has their part and role to play in every situation. Maybe the way he flounders is he shuts down a bit, gets quiet, claims "tiredness" hoping that will help to excuse his reticence so he doesn't look like a complete ass to the people around him.

Instead of giving him benefit of the doubt so he might possibly explain his quietness at your party and you could have worked on that together, you assume the worst and lashed out in several different ways. That's not what relationships are made of. You give the people you care about benefit of the doubt, always. If you can't, either you should seek to develop that trait, or you should seek a new relationship. I'd suggest you develop that trait, it'll help you in all relationships. It'll also help you to not take things like that so personally, you acted as though he was out to get you somehow. Do you honestly believe that?

You can start to put that into practice right now because as far as your questions regarding your things:
I suggest you GIVE HIM BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT and instead of assuming he'll keep your ticket or keep your neck pillow, give all of this some time to cool off and I'm pretty sure if you ask nicely and don't assume anything, he'll most likely give them to you. I mean, why on earth wouldn't he?

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:46pm

Whoa -- I guess I didn't make myself clear. First, he wasn't just quiet at the party. I'm understanding of that and in fact can be that way myself among strangers, although I do try to make an effort when it matters. What he did was:

A. Literally not speak to me or anyone else upon entering the house, immediately lounging on the couch. He looked bored the whole time he was there and did not talk to anyone. At all.
B. He ignored my friend who was having an allergic reaction, when everyone else was asking her if she was all right and if there was anything they could do -- including two guests who went to the drug store and bought Benadryl. He sat and watched TV and never spoke or even looked over.

If he had come over to my house, said a few words to people, explained he had had a long day and then not said anything later, I would have been fine with it. Or if he had called and said he didn't feel up to coming, I would have been disappointed but OK with that too. But you really had to see his behavior to believe it.

And he has not spoken to me at all since then, even though I didn't "lash out" at him. I wrote him to explain why I was upset (after he ignored my phone calls), and I don't think I was being unreasonable. As a result of his continued silence, you'll understand why I'm not anxious to make things worse -- I'd like to get my things with a minimum of communication. The bottom line is he showed a real lack of consideration and social tact. Not that I'm looking to date Miss Manners, but I expect more than this.

Also, there were other issues -- he never seemed very interested in what I was doing at work or my half-marathon training, or other things happening in my life, although he was perfectly happy to complain at length about his job, etc. So this was the straw that broke the camel's back, if you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:59pm

Ah, good. Now I see. The thing is, one cannot possbly guess as to what happens unless a person actually posts it, I can only go on what is written ;-)

From what you've written in this post, it seems he's supremely self-involved and not good dating material. It's good you found that out now. I hear you on the being interested, even in passing, in what goes on in your world. If a person can't even be bothered to do that in the first few months when everyone's supposed to be putting their best foot forward, it's best to see that clearly as soon as possible. Giving benefit of the doubt is one thing, excusing repeated and consistently bad behavor is another altogether.

That all being said, still give things time to cool down and then ask him in the nicest most forthright way you can, expecting the best outcome which is of course getting your things back drama-free.

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 12:53am
All I can say is what a jerk ... I'd be so angry. I'd call right away for my stuff back and keep bothering him until he does that. But I'd want an explanation on his behaviour first before you broke it off for good. Then ask for your stuff back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 10:28pm
Hi there... I dont' think you guys actually broke up... Is this something you can work out? I agree , total jerk... One thing I've learnd from breakups is that unless it kills you not to have it, I would let it go. I know, its hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 9:37pm
Hey, I wanted to give an update. First, thanks to everyone for your advice. I jumped to a wrong conclusion that he didn't care about what happened to my friend with the allergic reaction. When I was out of the room, he talked to her to see if she was all right, and I just learned this today. So, I have apologized to him for that -- obviously I assumed the worst. There are still several issues to work out, because I am upset that he didn't contact me this week, even if it was to say that he wasn't ready to talk, and he's not terribly happy with me for thinking he didn't care about my friend. But he did call tonight, so that's a start. No telling if we'll work it out for good, because I learned in my last relationship that both people have to be able to talk through their problems for a romance to survive, but at least now I don't feel like my judgment in men is so terrible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 7:20am

So we're back to learning to give benefit of the doubt. Good. Ask before you assume. Practice, practice, practice.

However, this still does not explain his general lack of interest in anything that goes on in your life. Like I said, random singular incidents are one thing, continually excusing or ignoring consistently bad behavior is another altogether. Or is that also an assumption on your part that he doesn't care about the details of your life? Now would be an excellent time to figure that out.

Good luck,

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