Getting Over Ex- How do You?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Getting Over Ex- How do You?
11
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:25pm

Getting Over Ex- How do You?



  • Your feeling naturally subside over time until they are gone.
  • Your feelings continue until you meet someone new.
  • Your feelings continue even after you've entered a new relationship.
  • You're feelings never go away.


You will be able to change your vote.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:27pm

I'm just curious as to how others typically get over an ex.

Do you find your feelings just naturally subside with time until they are all gone? Or do you find your feelings stay pretty much consistent until a new man (or SO) comes along? I've found with me, I can't really get past an ex until there is another to take his place. Sounds cyclical and probably not that healthy, but as long as the void is there with a hole open, I continue to long for that guy until a new one comes along.

Right now I am 3 months out of a relationship and still miss him and want him just as much as when I was with him and I don't think this will fade much until I begin dating a new guy.

I'm just wondering how other operate.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:48pm

Actually, none of the above--although the first would be the closest. I wouldn't say that feelings subside "naturally" over time though--you have to also do some work to accept that the relationship is over and that your ex wasn't right for you. Once you truly reach acceptance, then you'll be over your ex.

I'd be careful of self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don't believe you'll get over your ex until you meet someone new, you won't.

But I would submit that you aren't really over him in that situation, you're just substituting someone new and if/when that ends, then you'll have 2 losses to grieve.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:00pm

I didn't vote in the poll because truthfully, I don't agree with the choices offered in it, they're pretty fatalistic and none of these are totally correct as far as I've seen, read, or experienced.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:02pm

"I'd be careful of self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don't believe you'll get over your ex until you meet someone new, you won't."

Oh, I'm not making predictions. I was hoping to be over my last guy 2 months ago, but realistically, it just hasn't happened yet. And I never outright want to continue having feelings for a guy that's wrong for me. I actually do try to date, get involved in new things and stay busy until it goes away. But I've found it fades too slowly for me.

This time, will be interesting since I've pretty much sworn off dating for awhile to get past this. So time will tell.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:07pm

Do you actively work to change your thoughts about him? I find what I call "acceptance mantras" to be very helpful. When I start pining for an ex, I'll stop myself and substitute something like, "well, that's all well and good, but he decided he didn't want to make things work with me. So that means he's not right for me. I accept that and am moving on." The exact wording will change depending on the ex and the circumstances but hopefully that will give you the general idea.

The thought-stopping post in the Resources folder is also very helpful. It really works to get your brain out of the "groove" of thinking of your ex.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:08pm

I honestly offered some of those poll suggestions because I didn't want there to be just two and couldn't think of anything else. But I agree that getting over someone has never come naturally for me. I've always had to MAKE THE EFFORT.

I've alrady read It's a Breakup Because its Broken, Letting Go, The Breakup Guide and a few other son letting go etc. I've gone out on dates with other guys (5 to be exact), spend time with friends, taken up a few hobbies as well as started a film club and joined a few social clubs. So I think I'm definitely doing all I can to break the habits. The thinking of him and missing him are still the hardest since they just creep up without me being cognizant of it. Guess it just takes a lot of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:13pm

What I've done is make lists of his bad traits, why I left him and why it would never work. I printed them out and carry some around. I even made a sort of flyer with his ugliest picture on it and some scribbled notes on what a jerk he could be. The sucky part of most times I forget about all the bad and so many things trigger the good memories, which honestly outweigh the bad and I feel regret.

I do continue to talk myself back down when I feel remorse over the breakup and when I start remembering the good stuff but it gets tiring. Every single morning, its been the same pep talk. Sometimes it works, sometimes I have to repeat it several times a day. Sometimes I have to rewrite me lists (I think I have 4-5 now) Sometimes they don't work at all and I'd do anything to have him back, flaws, issues and all.

But yeah, I'm still doing the thought-stopping techniques.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:17pm

Yep, it is tiring and it sucks but you have to do it to get to the other side. Another breakup mantra of mine: "The only way out is through."

The good news is that if you keep doing what you're doing, allow time to pass and don't have ANY contact with him, you will get over him. It just isn't going to be easy or as fast as you might like. I think the one thing we all wish for the most in going through a breakup is a fast forward button, but unfortunately that's not how it works.

Hang in there!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:29pm

Hi cl214,


Try this:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 4:33pm

Does sound as though you're making the concerted effort ;)

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