getting over him
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| Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:58am |
I'm changing boards. Just a few weeks ago I was writing to "Ask Mr. Answer Man" and now I'm on the break up board.
So, we broke up a week ago. He started down the path and I ended it. He didn't want commitment, and I didn't want to just hang around. I suggested just friends.
I officially think I suck at just friends. I for some reason keep calling him. He never really gets in touch with me.
My friends have said I have to stop talking to him and detach, but I have to be nice about it. So, we came up with a punishment. I have to give $50 to a charity everytime I call him. If he calls me its ok. $25 for all unsolisited text. $25 for all unsolisited IMs. But I can respond.
Its getting tricky. He did IM me this morning and we talked for an hour. My friends say I have to start paying for long conversations.
How does one do just friends? How does one stop wanting to talk to someone they have talked to everynight for hours? How does one not miss him and wish just a little he missed you?

if you somehow figure out the answers to those questions let me know. because thats the hardest part of this breakup ( which only happend a little over a week ago)...how do you stop talking to someone you spoke with EVERY DAY, FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS, for a year?? how how how?? and how do you keep yourself from calling ( which ive already done like an idiot)....please :) once you figure that out, share it with me hehe :)
goodluck to us both :) lots and lots of luck to us both!
Welcome to the board toria5,
It's very difficult to be 'just friends' with someone when you still have romantic feelings for the other person and when you haven't healed from the break up.
The short answer is, you don't. I don't think I've ever seen one successful case of transitioning straight to friends from being lovers, without some time off in between. Everyone I've ever seen try (whether IRL or here on these boards) has had to take a break at SOME point and that just means it takes them that much longer to get over the person, so you may as well take the break now.
How long were you together? The amount of time you'll need to not have contact before you can reconnect as friends will depend in part on that. Of course every situation is different but there are general guidelines that tend to hold true.
Sheri
Your friends are correct. Answering yoru questions
1. How does one do just friends?
Like Sheri said..a big huge break. What does the break do? It basically is the transition period when your brain goes from..hmm."boyfriend" to "friend". NC is done because if you keep talking to him as if nothing has happened, you fall into a denail patter where your brain thinks life is as it always was instead of adjusting itself to the fact that you are now single. Basically the only thing you're doing by repeatedly talking to him is spiralling into denial.
Best thing to ask yourself is...are you his friend because you genuinely WANT to be his friend? Or are you doing this on the off chance he'll realize his mistake, fall to his knees, and beg your forgiveness for being such an idiot? Be honest with yourself.
2. How does one stop wanting to talk to someone they have talked to everynight for hours?
I locked up my phone and my laptop. I know I'm weak, so I removed tempation. Or get a friend to do it. Promise someone that you won't go online. It's no shame to admit you can't do it yourself and ask for help. As Greg Behrendt's book says, cold turkey is the best way to quit an addiction.
3. How does one not miss him and wish just a little he missed you
Actually there's no good answer to this. You WILL miss him and you WILL wish he missed you. lol. When I broke up, I wished someone would run him over with a truck,but, heck, things don't always happen the way you want them to. Anyways, what's important to know is that it WILL pass. But it will pass a lot faster if you initiate NC.
Toria, I also agree with your friends. I broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday, first one ever. We were heading for the break up road, and I just decided that I'd beat him to the punch, and just cut to the chase. I will not tell a lie, I miss him, and I do want to pick up the phone and call him just to see how he is doing. BUT, I will not because it is part of the break up process. This is hard because in a way I feel like I am shutting him out of my life, when in fact, we were very much involved in each other's lives for a little over year.
I think the best way to get over him is to look at his flaws, and what it brought to your relationship. Did his flaws make you insecure, bring on bad moods or feelings, whatever it is, think about those things. How did it make you feel, did it affect your plans, your mood, how you treated others? This was the advice that my best friend gave me because it made me realize that eventually his problems would become my problems too as they would also affect me. I am not saying you should hate him, but making him seem like he was less than perfect will help you move on. And it will also help you realize the things that you value more in a person, and what you want in your next relationship.
I know it will be hard for you to not talk/contact to him, I deleted his number from my phone immediately after we spoke. I also deleted all his photos from my computer, his e-mails, and his e-mail addresses. It was hard to hit that delete button, but if it is out of sight, it is out of mind. Of course, I have his contact information on a business card, but I have put it away in a place that I cannot access it easily. When you have the urge to call him, call your friends, call your mom, call your siblings, anyone BUT him. They understand what you are going through, and they will be there for you. I am also glad I found this outlet, because I am also finding other people going through the same thing.
As for being friends, that will be something you can decide when the time is right. Ultimately, you need to decide do you want him in your life after you have 'detoxed' yourself from him. So for now, the time alone is good for you to clear your mind and gather your thoughts. As for you not missing him and hoping just a little that he'll miss you. Keep yourself BUSY. The more busier you are, the less time you'll have to miss him. Go out, live it up, treat yourself, meet up with friends during the week, and on the weekends. Have fun and enjoy yourself, remember all those things you wanted to do but didn't get a chance to do while you two were dating? NOW is the time to do it. The more people you surround yourelf with, the more you will feel that you are finding ways to connect with others. So find ways to be happy, and before you know it, you won't think about him anymore, and you'll realize that it wasn't just him that had the capability to make you happy, but a lot of others.
The relationship took time to develop, and it will take time to get over it. But always remember, you are in control of how you want to get over him, and how long you want to take to get over him. So just breathe, keep your head up, and forge ahead with a unbreakable smile on your face.
All this advice has been great. I was sticking to it and doing so good, but now, now I don't know.
I had to work through some friendship issues with him with some mutual friends last week. It was a bit of a sticky situation, but it went well. He and I were getting along and joking. I thought, I can do this. I CAN. Nope, nope. All that did was make me think in the back of my mind that he still might like me.
And now he is having a party. I was invited. I originally couldn't go, but he just changed the date to the next day when I could go. A mutual friend, who I don't always believe, said he changed it for me. I did ask why he changed it, but he said "just because".
Enter little voice in the back of my mind telling me he did it for me. Not good.
I think I have to tell him the truth. I think I have to just say I'm not getting over him, and I can't be his friend of go to his party. How do you do that? Just say the gods honest blatent truth?
Please don't give him the satisfaction of calling him, then you look like the one pining. I for some reason had too much pride for that.
I'd rather imagine him sitting there wondering what happened to me than driving him away with phone call after phone call. Trust me if you hold off on that phone call for a while he WILL wonder what happened to you.
Yep, tell him the truth. And then block him, take him off your IM, etc.
Sheri