getting over him..and i dont like it...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
getting over him..and i dont like it...?
15
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:04am
its been almost 4 months, which is the 1/2way point for me. im doing SO SO SO much better than i was when i first started posting here, thanks to many of you (thank you cosmo especially for your kind words and concern!). the wisdom of the women on this board has been SUCH a comfort to me, ESPECIALLY in the beginning when i felt so lost and lonely.

and now...its been long enough that im starting to forget what my ex looks like...i've got photos i can look at if i really want ot remember...but im starting to forget his face, his smell, his taste, his touch. im forgetting what it was like to be held by him, to feel his skin against mine, to play with his hair...

im scared because he's drifting out of my mind, because thats what time is doing to me. i find myself TRYING to remmber and think about him sometimes, because its not coming naturally anymore. did any of you guys ever see the movie Swingers? its not some incredibly profound flick, but its good, and its quoteable heh. ron livingston's character is consoling jon favreau about a break up and he says something like "...and then one day you wake up and you arent thinking about it anymore. the weird thing is you miss the pain. you miss MISSING them. you miss the longing. its strange...but it gets better..."

tahts kindof how i feel. im almost nostalgic for my nostalgia...does that make ANY sense to anybody? everythign with my ex feels SO far away at this point...i havent seen him since the break up--i saw him twice on the street and i crossed to avoid him hehe. but when i saw him, my heart lurched, i felt butterflies in my stomach, and i didnt know what to do. i dont htink that would happen if i saw him now...

part of my posting here now is because i want to kinda keep talking about it...i want to keep the memory alive...im moving to a new apartment in a month, and i think when that happens i'll really feel like its all cemented, because everything associated with him and what we had will no longer be true. now im still sleeping in the same room we made love in for the first time...the one that, for the first few weks after the break up still smelled a little bit like him...and now that im really accepting the end and that despite my efforts to hang on, time has started doing most of the work at this point. i cant get sad when i think of him, i mean i get a little sad, but i cant cry about it. i cant cry when i read his livejournal, cos i jsut feel liek "wow, i really just DONT know this person anymore..." now im stepping up to the plate at work and trying harder, getting excited about my new apartment, knowing that the switch is fully flipped and life is different now.

im getting over him and i dont know if i like it...am i crazy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:30am
Running...I can remember a time in my life when I claimed to "hate running" as a sport becuase it meant I was always "leaving something behind". Someone pointed out to me "nto if you're headed towards something are you going to be upset about leaving something behind."

You're there....what does the "no relationship" status mean in your life?

It means that you're totally and completely responsible for your destiny, you have to handle your finances and fix your car, it means that there is no "guarantee" of anything on Friday night, it means that there is no assurance from someone's loving embrace, it means that you're totally "able' to determine your goals, your interests, your needs and meet them ALL BY YOURSELF.

You're not upset that you're not in agony and writhing that he's left you.....you're in sheer panic that "your life is your own to define, create, achieve, and maintain".

You're trying to avoid that reality at all costs....you don't want to "grow up" and handle your finances, you didn't picture yourself without a partner and having to buy a house on your own, you didn't envision your life and your time being 'all yours to determine what to do with"..and you certainly didn't like the fact of that reality that means "I won't be what I don't make of myself, I won't have what I don't pursue for myself, I won't achieve what I don't sacrifice, expend, work, and endure for - all by myself'.

You're running like crazy from that reality......and so you want the pain back now.....whereas before you wanted it to go away it was so overwhelming, it was so "new".

Now..the reality of "he doesn't want a life with me" is much less frightening and painful that "my life is up to me".

So you now want to generate the previous pain...to overcome the present fear.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:47am
I feel you on this one...It's like I'm sitting on the fence of staying sad or going on, without him or anyone. I am doing so much better and find myself hardly thinking of the "wanting him back" thoughts. But I stayed sad for so long, I guess I don't need to be sad anymore. I feel I have to make a conscious effort to stay over it. Of course I want to be over it, but it's more that I want to be excited again about someone else, get the butterflies you know? Time and these posts have really gotten me through the rough spots and I am pretty much over the ex, I've learned alot about what really happened and what the relationship was about. I say I'm ready, it will be alright, but I have to do the rest, stand up on my own, and actually go forward.

You are not crazy, it's like a final letting go I think and that is always sad in itself. At least you know that you are ok w/o him and you will move on, drumming up the longing and the missing is not too bad, as long as it doesn't get worse, and it fades away too. You will never completely forget so don't worry, you just might not remember on a daily basis, which is good. I think one day the memories will come up and be just a rememberance, not an emotional tug at the heart and we will actually smile at the great times, that will be a good day.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:14pm
Yep. I think this is the final phase of "getting over him".

I've reached this point as well, and I went into his work the other day (i used to work there too, i went to visit some old co workers and pick something up), and a part of me was hoping i'd run into him... but a bigger part of me hoped I didn't. I'm longing to see his beautiful face, and just talk to him once last time, but if I know I do, it'll screw up the progress I've made so far. I LIKE feeling like i'm on my own, I LIKE not caring so much about this anymore. I'm finally learning to have fun once again, without him, I'm finally relizing that this is it, I'm free to test the water, and see what other "fish" are out there.. now and then I get brief thoughts about him, but they quickly pass once I start doing something else, or I call up a friend. It's getting better.

You're not longer crying and hoping he'll come back, and you're reading his journal, without analyzing it, and without wondering if those posts are about you. And that's good. I recently started one of my own online journals, so my friends can read it, and I know he's got the address. Weather he's read it or not, Don't know, don't care. I'm writing it for ME. and it helps. sure, 3 out of the 5 posts have been about him, haha, but they're about how i'm progressing, and how I think we made the right choice by breaking up. It's no longer sap stories about how i miss him, and how i want him back, blah blah.

I've finally found my back bone, and I think you have too. We knew we had it in us somewhere, just took us a while to find it. We're both on the right track. if you're interested in reading MY journal instead of his, it's www.livejournal.com/users/xgoobx.

and like one of my lasts posts says, it'll be a while before we find the "right one", but in the mean time, we may as well have a blast with all the wrong ones. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:14pm
Hi,

I usually lurk, but I feel I have to post a response to you because that's exactly how I felt yesterday. I wanted to miss him too and I tried and tried but it didn't work.

I wondered if it was part of the acceptance. Nevertheless,it was/is a strange feeling. My ex and I broke off four months ago as well and saw each other breifly, but that didn't go well at the time and since then we don't see or talk to each other either for healing purposes.



I think the reason why I felt so weird about realizing I'm moving on and not really missing him anymore was b/c it was the first time I went out with someone new and I didn't have any reservations about it. Not one. I was looking forward to it and had alot of fun. That felt oddly strange to me. The way I figure is like all the other stages this one will feel funny for a bit and then suddenly it won't be there.

I don't think you are crazy!!! I think it's part of moving on and letting go of someone you once cared for, loved, and valued as a person and accepting that you no longer need or want that person as a part of your daily life.

I hope that makes sense and are just my thoughts on it. I love the quote!

S~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:16pm
i think i've just lost faith in him, and in us, completely. and im sad about that. iw as trying to believe..but now its like i just CANT...its frustrating and i know when i feel those things for somebody else, i'll be singing a different tune, i'll be glad i got over him, but...right now...i feel hollow, and its not a gutwrenching heartwrenching hollowness. its just like...as long as i was depressedly pining for him it made me feel like we were close in some way...and now i just dont feel that. its sad...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:38pm
I sorta feel the same way...life with him was amazing,life with out him was hell...at first. Now I'm slowly movin' on, it's been a little over 4 months for me, and like you said...little by little I'm forgetting. A blessing and a curse all at once. I don't want to forget my time with him, he was such an amazing part of my life. But forgetting him helps me move on and on to finding the one that really deserves and loves me. I still miss the ex...but now...I can laugh at the fact that he's going out with a girl that was like my sister, because I realize that they are both dependents and can't stand being alone, and that they will screw each other over come August when she leaves for WA. I almost feel sorry for them...because I know neither of them is the friend I thought them to be, and I feel sorry that they don't know what a true friend is, because it's got to be a VERY lonely world with out real friends. I find comfort in my head...thinking of things that happen or don't happen...like mentally drawing out some random day where he calls or shows up and said he made a big mistake and wants to get back together...and I just laugh in his face and tell him he lost his chance, because I'm not going to play second choice for any man...lol...those are always some good day dreams.

I too would like to thank everyone on this board, for their thoughts, words of praise, kindness and wisdom. Everyone on this board is strong and wonderful...and sharing our stories of pain and happiness...helps to build each of us in that strength and wonder :)




~*~Zsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:32pm
I too am a little over 4 months. I feel the same way. In the beginning I would not let myself get over him and I guess I just prolonged the inevidable. Now its sad because it was such a great part of my life. The other day that year and a halfish felt like a dream. Something always reminds me of something about him but I don't get that hurt feeling anymore sometimes I get sad and sometimes I don't. I was realizing I think earlier today that I did learn a lot of stuff from him as a person and the relationship and both things I value. I'm forgetting some things too but some things still linger like its weird but the smell of bleach reminds me of him (has to do with an issue he has) and so thats always there but its not so bad anymore. Unfortunately I have been dreaming about him again but I think its just missing someone being around. I don't know, I do soemtimes but I'm also glad to be on my own and face the world on my own instead of hiding behind him like I had been doing for awhile. I try to be ok with his new girlfriend but its still hard on me. I know it most likely won't work out because he still has a ton of issues he never dealt with. He is a dependent and she is probably if not already going to turn into a dependent and hes going to feel overwhelmed once again and break up with her as he did me. I still would like to eventually be able to talk but I wouldn't take him back. He's a great guy and lots of potential he doesn't live up to it, has lots of issues (copedependent), needs to grow up, and has some commitment issues (outside of the relationship).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:58pm
I am feeling the same way... I think today, for the first time it hit me. He wasn't going to call me, text me, IM me, email me anymore - because I asked him not too and that was the first solid step I took to actually letting go and moving on.

It's hard because all of the dreams I held for us, I have to let go of too. And its hard to know that because he couldn't committ, we couldn't make it.

But that's that. All I can do is keep going forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:57pm
No, you're not crazy....or at least not crazier than me. I'm going through pretty much the same thing...but my ending of relationship was LD so don't even have the smell in my memory bank anymore. And I refuse to pull out the pictures and look at them. He'll fade...if I see him again, it'll be in the next couple of years--and that's fine with me. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself!! We've all been there at some point.

hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 6:27pm
its just strange for me because it all seems so far away.

ther ewerethings i was slightly insecureabout when we were together but ic hose not to make issues out of thesethings because i gave him the benefit ofthe doubt--i trusted him. plus people always havelittle insecurities when they're inr elationships but you cant let themconsume you.

now that we're broken up i findmyself mulling over these insecurities. what if he truly WAS never over his gf before me? he did talk about her quite a bit,although he always made me feel very loved, he seemed haunted by her memory. and he had 2 very close friends, both girls, and both GORGEOUS GORGEOUS i mean they look likemodels. i always felt a little intimidated by them, evne though they were super friendly tome, and they had bf's of their own when my ex and i were dating. now those girls are single, he's single...what if he's hooking up with one of them? what if they dont have a platonic friendship anymore?

i hate that these are the thoughts i have now about my ex. and im not angry, but its clear that he really hurt me and scared me away from love at least for a little while. or maybe im thinking these things because im just grasping fora reaosn, i want to know WHY , something concrete, of why he broke up with me. b ut there is no concrete reason, he was immature and he gave up and tahts all there is to it.

and now he's slipping from my mind and i cant make that stop. i guess i'll always be bittersweet about this relationship , even when i get together with somebody else. oh well...thanks for listening and thanks for your responses

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