Getting Over It.
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| Tue, 01-25-2005 - 9:06pm |
Dear Friends,
Sorry so long. This is a good way for me to get this out of my system. It's cathartic. But I appreciate anyone who is willing to take the time to read and answer.... :-) If you want the short story read the first two paragraphs and then scroll down to the last three or so paragraphs.
To bring you up to date. I was on these boards a couple years ago. I'm just one of those people who hasn't figured out this relationship-thing yet. I'm 38, never married, no kids. I desire marriage and children, and as you will see, I desire them in the old fashioned way--meet someone, establish a firm friendship foundation, build and cultivate intimacy, etc...I should add that I have been celibate for 3 years for my own quasi-religious and personal reasons--just wanted to purify my body of past toxic relationships and also to feel like when I found Mr. Right, he would be *the last* person I'd be having sex with and vice-versa. To me, that is the epitome of a physically-enduring love. I'm not a prude, I just need to feel absolute trust when it comes to giving my body to someone. I follow Christian values (but not fanatic).
Problem is, all this self-righteousness (can I call it that?) doesn't work so well for me, or maybe I'm approaching it wrong (well, in the following circumstance, I *KNOW* I made some crucial mistakes).
Here's the quick story:
Date 1 & 2:
1) meet guy on online Christian dating website.
2) meet for coffee, end up talking for a couple hours and then he asks me to continue the conversation over dinner.
3) have dinner and end up talking for a couple more hours--only to find out...
4) He's my neighbor! Lives smack-dab across the street from me! Who'd a thunk it??! :-)
Date 3:
1) go to church together, then go for a fun walk around town looking at historic buildings. Simple and easy.
2) he asks me to come on over to his place to watch a DVD about the Gospel of John. (Yes, my friends, it's all about the Christian thing.) A little weird, but it takes one to know one, right?
3) by this time I'm feeling at ease with him and really joyful about making a new *Christian friend*.
4) I changed from church clothes into sweats and a t-shirt.
5) Long story short - he got closer and closer - one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed after MUCH negotiating. I let my guard down. (MISTAKE #1)
Here's the caveat: While things only started getting passionate, he told me that he had been planning on marrying a young lady who DIED last February. Yes, she died - and apparently he was devastated (who wouldn't be?!). He told me that he felt very comfortable about expressing his grief and talking to me about her, etc... That's when the negotiating began--I didn't want to, I backed off, he came on, he backed off, I came on....you know the story....that sort of scenario happened 3 different times.
After each time I've always felt guilty and he did too. We discussed how and WHY it couldn't happen again. He's adamant that he only wants to be FRIENDS and that he was dating other women. I agreed about JUST FRIENDS=NO SEX and was willing to let it be. But each time we were alone together he would keep coming on to me and I would remind him of our friendship "deal" to which, he would continually negotiate and tell me everything I wanted to hear. I would break down and we'd end up in bed.
Finally, I put my foot down and told him that I could no longer see him outside of public places and that I was VERY uncomfortable with him calling ME his "friend", while considering the other ladies that he's seeing his "dates" and being romantic with them, but I obviously don't get "date" status! (HUH?!) Although he was honest with me about the other gals and I appreciate it, I still felt terribly "common"--and I am by NO MEANS common! You know, I can't understand why I was good enough to be a bed-buddy but the other gals were his dates. Do you catch my drift? I'm feeling like he only wants me around for sex and he's not interested in a friendship at all - but the other gals get his friendship - and THIS is supposed to be a CHRISTIAN man? HUH?!
He went away for Christmas and New Year's to be with his family and I was so happy for him, although, it did leave me somewhat lonely for a pal to hang out with on NY Eve. He called twice during the week and told me he missed me and that he was sorry he couldn't be with me for New Years, etc...He kept a pair of my earrings because he wanted to put them in his pocket to remind him of me. He talked about me to his family. I thought that being with his "kin" would ground him and help him to focus on his intentions with me. He mentioned that he might like to take a trip with me to Mexico in Feb.
Two days after I picked him up from the airport, he didn't call, didn't e-mail, and most heart-breaking, he didn't come home--mind you, he is my neighbor and his car port is directly across the street from mine--I literally have to turn my head or look down at the ground so that I can't see it.
That's when I made MISTAKE #2--I called him and asked if he was coming home on the 3rd day? He CLEARY answered, "I wasn't planning on it." I FLIPPED OUT over the phone--told him he needed to give me back my earrings (they are semi-expensive) and that he should "be a man and just tell me that all he wanted was to *f*-around...yadda, yadda...." Basically I went psycho on him.
He called me back later that night and we were both calm. We've talked about it since and forgave each other. We even had a date in which we went to a Broadway show together and enjoyed the show--NO SEX AFTERWARD!!! That was 2 weeks ago. I had told him that I was going to back-off a lot because this whole "thing" was too hot for me. Obviously I want more than he does. He keeps saying that he is not ready for a serious relationship, etc...I just want to make friends, I'm a lonely guy, I just want to meet people, etc...fine, that's great--but do you have to spend the night with these "people" that you're meeting--doesn't that sound like serious relationship to you all out there on the boards? Does he have to completely treat me like I'm invisible now (no calls, no e-mails, not even a wave from across the street)?
That behavior just drives the knife in deeper for me and makes me feel that I was only good for the sex. I feel like I gave away something very precious to me to someone who didn't respect that part of me, our understanding about sex and our deal to be "just friends". Also, I feel that he appealed to my spirituality (Christianity) to manipulate me.
I'm deeply hurt. Hurt translates into anger for me because I feel powerless. Anger makes me "feel like" I have some kind of power albeit false-power. I have obsessive thoughts about how could I let this happen to me again? How could I let another guy manipulate me AGAIN? I practiced saying no and walking away. I even did it several times with him and I was empowered. Did I lose him because I won't put out anymore or because I put out too early? Now *I'm* the one who feels trapped in my house (he probably does too). But I literally have to keep my head down while walking to and from my car everyday so I won't see his "comings and goings". What used to be a comfort (seeing his car there) is now a huge source of anxiety.
I'm a freakin' mess. Not sleeping, not eating, just doing the minimum required at work and desparatly taking one day at a time.
I'm happy to hear your thoughts. Sorry so long.
Thanks for reading.
A

You write: "I should add that I have been celibate for 3 years for my own quasi-religious and personal reasons--just wanted to purify my body of past toxic relationships and also to feel like when I found Mr. Right, he would be *the last* person I'd be having sex with and vice-versa. To me, that is the epitome of a physically-enduring love. "
There is no such thing as Mr. Right, just Mr. "close enough, let's go". You will be very disappointed if you're hanging your hopes on a myth. I'm going to tell you straight off the bat that you should not have gone anywhere near the inside of his home for at least 6 weeks, if you wanted to maintain your criteria for a mate.
you write: "You know, I can't understand why I was good enough to be a bed-buddy but the other gals were his dates."
Because they probably don't go to his home to watch dvd's, no matter how plausible his story is about the dead girlfriend.
From what you've posted, he doesn't sound like he wants a steady girlfriend... he wants a couple of gals he can play with without having any formal attachment. I believe that if he was gone from home for a few days once he was back in town, he's sleeping with other women and isn't what he has presented himself to be at all. You're not in the mindspace for being a booty call, and continued interaction with him will put you further and further from what it is you want in a relationship.
Being a christian and all, I'm sure you know who comes to you in beautiful rainments, speaking sweet words, et al, right? You should have your rebuke well rehearsed for the next time he tries that mess with you.
Hugs to you