Getting over it? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Getting over it? Help!
7
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:26pm

Hello. I have questions about the healing process. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years three weeks ago after a month-long break, and I need objective advice about how I'm progressing.

The good:
1. Thus far, we have had very little contact (very impersonal e-mails about financial stuff we needed straightened out, getting stuff back) which should stop now.
2. I read this board all the time.
3. I am going out with my friends a lot and I actually flirted with a couple cute guys last night.
4. I know it's over between the two of us and have no desire to get back together.
5. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, and am kinda relieved that he's no longer in it.
6. I haven't cried in three days!
7. Lately, I've felt OK, happy sometimes, not depressed like I was.

The bad:
1. I find myself talking about the breakup and him way more than I want to.
2. I still check his MySpace page all the time.
3. I have to admit that there's a part of me still looking for some kind of big apology on his end that I know is never going to happen.
4. I know we're going to run into each other in late July and I'm half terrified, half looking forward to showing him I've moved on.
5. I think about him every day.
6. I wonder how he's dealing with the breakup.
7. I'm not being productive in my life right now. I'm coasting and I don't like that at all, considering I have a lot to take care of.

So, ladies, tell me, am I doing OK? When is the bad stuff going to go away? When do I stop caring about what he's doing? This is the worst breakup I've ever had, by far, because we were on the road to getting engaged. My biggest goal right now (aside from getting a new job and losing 10 lbs) is to get to the point where I think about him like I think about my other exes: as people in my past. I don't worry about running into them or think about them or wonder if they're thinking about me.

Is anyone willing to share her story of recovery? I would love a timeline (I'm a super anal gal).

I also wonder if I am going to have another breakdown. I don't think I will, but the last time I felt OK, I was a sobbing mess for two days soon after. What are the odds that will happen again? Did any of you think you were getting better and then lost it? Is it true that if you hook up with someone, it takes your mind off things? On one hand, hooking up with some dude seems a little icky right now.

Any advice? Am I behind on this moving on thing?

Thanks for reading.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:38pm

The biggest issue I see is you checking his myspace page. That's contact, even if it's indirect, and it's going to keep you stuck. You can't stop thinking about him until you stop having any contact, direct or indirect, with him. That has to happen first...because if you're having that contact (even the indirect myspace contact), you're thinking about him, so it's impossible to NOT think about him (I hope that makes sense!).

Other than that, I'd say you're doing fine. I think if you stop looking at his page, you'll find that will be a big help.

You're not going to get over a 3.5 year relationship in a month or two...it's just not going to happen. At least a year is more like it (but you won't feel THIS bad the whole time, don't worry!). No, I don't find that seeing other people too soon in the breakup process helps...it usually just makes me miss my ex more.

You may backslide...that's normal. But what I find is that each time, I backslide a little less far, and it takes me less time to get back to feeling better. It's a process, not a straight line ;-)!

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing. There was a whole thread in the top folder of suggestions for not looking at an ex's myspace page so you might want to look for that (the OP's name is something like jackia).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:42pm

Thanks for your reply. I wonder why MySpace was invented in the first place? I'm pushing 30 and everyone I know is on it. Makes me feel developmentally disabled.

The part about backsliding is very helpful. It's just so scary when that happens, but I'll take your word that it gets easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:42pm

....."Any advice? Am I behind on this moving on thing?"..... You must be a process manager or an engineer ;)

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:11pm

Hi Sandra. Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you're kicking ass and taking names. Reading that really helped.

Hehe, I'm an editor, but I am friends with engineers and scientists and maybe they've rubbed off on me after all these years.

I really related to your story about sobbing after a week of doing great! I hate that! I'm sorry you're going through it, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:57pm

I know exactly what you mean. I'm a male, but I see myself doing the same exact things you are (including checking the person's MySpace page a bunch, etc.)
I loved this woman like no other and I've had the hardest time moving on. She has stopped returning my e-mails and phone calls. It's so painful. I keep in touch with her best friend, but I'm not sure how she feels about it. I'm depressed, not very productive, and I'm currently in counseling and going to a support group. I've done what I can. She can only forgive and help bring us back together. Cold turket-no contact kills. My friends told me that it must be another issue or that she's just not telling me something. I'm so hurt right now. I definitely know what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 4:29pm

I will tell you something that people have been telling me since the breakup: even if she's not telling you something, it doesn't matter. I KNOW how painful it is not to wonder, but try to let that go. I'm finally to that stage and it's a big improvement. Bitch to your friends, let them surmise what it is, then drop it.

I would stop talking to her best friend if I were you. It can only hurt your feelings.

You sound like a very caring person. Save that for someone who can appreciate it, OK?

It gets better every single day. Really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:47pm

I can so relate to what you are dealing with, I am feeling a lot of the same exact feelings. I don't check MySpace but my friend is living with him in a summer share and I ask what is going on with him all the time. So I guess that is contact too.

I have been through the process before, 3 times before and all healing periods were different for me, so I think it really just depends on the person. You are doing all the right things, and believe me time really does heal all, as cliche' as that is. Over time thoughts of him will get less and less, you will move on. I promise you. And looking back over my breakups, I thought, " oh, the my world is ending without this person" thoughts, it really happened for reason, I truly believe everything happens for a reason. People come into our lives, for what reasons, who knows. But I do not regret anything, and if I stayed with say Mr.P I would have missed out on so much more. My only wish is there was some pill they would invent to cure heart breaks, then this would not be so hard. I am with you, I wish I could move on yesterday, but it is what it for now and for some reason, I am where I am need to be and so are you... Hope this helps... Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing... it will get better.