Getting Rid of Things: Good or Bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Getting Rid of Things: Good or Bad?
5
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 9:17am

I have posted on here before, but I will give a short synopsis of my past relationship. We've been best friends for 5 1/2 years, we were to be married in August, but he left me (and town) three days before. He's come back to me a few times since then, but always leaves a couple days after, saying that he can't do it. About three weeks ago, he came back to me and we were each other every day for two weeks until one morning he woke up and told me that I wasn't worth losing his friends/family for (apparently they don't like me, I don't know what he's told them). Anyway, I have possession of the rings and when we were trying to get back together, he told me that he still wanted to marry me and that we could use the same rings. Now, he's changed his phone number and hasn't contacted me at all. He was supposed to call me about a week ago and never did. Actually, his last words were, "I love you." (Yes, I'm confused.)In a way, I wish he would come back to me, but I know he's not changing. He has been lying to me (that I know of) for over a year and he doesn't see a problem with it, thus no change will be made.

The main question I have is: Should I get rid of the rings and the other things? I really want to, but I don't know if I'm ready. I feel like if I start to let go, it will really be over. I know it's probably something I need to do and I will probably be empowered by it, but has anyone else ever been in this situation? I just feel either way, the rings have lost their personal value to me, especially since one was a promise ring, promising that he'd never leave me. Nice, huh?

Anyway, I appreaciate any advice/stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 11:18am
well i would say returning or not is up to you. when my ex n i broke up ealier this year i went thru a phase where i was really angry and got all the jewelry (including a promise ring/i love you want to marry you kinda ring), clothes etc that had sentimental value to me that he gave me to get ready to post it back to him (we broke up long distance). But after just puttin it aside for a while i realise i couldn't do it, coz for me it was stupid and i thought about how much i would hurt him by sending it back and how much it would hurt me if he did the same. Though i still ahve the things, the jewelry for ex i haven't worn but i got a new winter coat from him last year for xmas and a pashmere scarf i plan on wearing this winter and i have continued to use some of the other stuff. I ahve just learnt to see it as items and remove the sentimental attachment to it, as they are perfectly great things i don't want to get rid of because of the "history" associated with it. In the end i think ur heart tells u what n how n when to handle thigns. thats my 2 cents. hope it helps
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:51pm

The way he broke it off was pretty cowardly, to say the least.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:07pm

I would just put the rings away for now and decide what to do about them later. It's hard to make a good decision when emotions are running high.

What are his other things? Unless there's something he absolutely has to have in order to live his life, I would just put the stuff out of sight for now, too. If it's just "stuff" he probably doesn't need it back so I wouldn't worry about mailing it to him (plus that indirect contact could set you back).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 8:24pm

It's incredibly freeing to send back stuff to the ex. Especially gifts they gave, which really annoys them. Sometimes that feels really good and if you're not going to ever contact them again (like I'm not ever) I think it sends a nice "get lost, don't want to remember you" message. Call it revenge, whatever.

The main reason was though: I didn't want ANY reminders of them to look at.

I have returned things to 2 exes that broke up with me. The others that I broke up with I didn't bother. Recently, I returned my cheater ex's stuff, including all his gifts to me (the one I forgot I threw out in the garbage at work) b/c I wanted him knowing I completely REJECTED HIM and his lying and cheating on me. He said he didn't want his stuff back b4 I sent it, but I sent back his favorite boxers and family DVD anyway with all the stuff he gave me. I didn't want him thinking I was wearing his boxers, and crying while watching his DVD. And I sure didn't want to use his gifts anymore.

I might actually buy back something like the notebook he gave me which was very nice and expensive. But this one will be from me, for me, and it won't be from him.

I didn't return things from other exes, though that didn't cheat on me or hurt me badly. I have always enjoyed that they remind me of them. But then -- those are guys I broke up with so it's not the same.

It's your call, just do what is right for you. Remember you can probably buy the stuff back again yourself and then it's all about you.

In summary: When you're mad and he was a liar or cheater, getting rid of things is good. Otherwise, you might enjoy them later.




Edited 11/5/2006 8:28 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:06am
i am going though the same sort of thing, although i was not engaged...i'm so sorry you are having to go through this! what i have found from experience is you'll know when you're ready to get rid of or move the things. for the first few weeks after my breakup, i couldn't even think of moving or throwing away my ex's things or gifts he gave me that are all over my apartment. however, as i have slowly started to progress and heal, i've found that you just know when you're ready. if you don't feel like you can get rid of the things for good, just box them up and put them somewhere you know you won't see them, or give them to a friend to hang on to for you. i've found "out of sight, out of mind" to be pretty true. if you have a picture of you and your ex that you see every day, it's only going to make the pain come back full force every time you look at it...the same goes for other gifts he gave you. the constant reminder doesn't help at all. now that i have moved things, i've found it to be a little easier, but again, every situation is unique and i think you'll just know...