getting weaker and weaker, not stronger

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
getting weaker and weaker, not stronger
17
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:13am

sorry for this long and annoying post, i desperately need to vent. i've had a terrible week dealing with my break-up and just got a phone call from my counselor saying that she's very sick and can't come to work today. i needed my appointment so badly today, and now i feel like i'm about to go over the deep end.

i feel like i'm not getting any better from my break-up. if you see the thread about "it's been 3 weeks and i'm desperate", it'll explain everything. i truly just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm doing all the "right" things: working, turning to friends, throwing myself into my schoolwork (i'm a senior in college), going to therapy, going to the gym, reading...it's distracting for a bit, but the pain is so real and cuts so deep. it's just not stopping.

more than three weeks later, my appetite still isn't back, my sleeping is awful, and i'm constantly plagued by obsessive thoughts...who is he with? what is he doing? does he miss me? when will he realize that he's made the biggest mistake of his life, and come crawling back to me? why is he OK? how can he sleep at night, knowing that he caused another human being so much pain?

we have two classes together at our college, and since the campus is small, have run into each other several times. just when i think i might be doing a bit better, just SEEING him (even when there's no contact) is enough to push me right to the edge...days i see him are awful. just being near him, seeing the face that only a month ago i was holding in my hands and telling i loved and now having to be total strangers is absolutely, positively unbearable. why isn't he feeling the same things? why is he ok? we spent two wonderful years together. we were supposed to get married, start a family, open up a business together. i grew so close to his family. then boom...everything, over night, gone. i'm left to pick up the pieces.

it is so hard having to see him. we pretend as if we don't see each other, but every time we do i get a rush of panic, anxiety and devestation. this is the man i love more than anything in the world; there is nothing i wouldn't do for him. and he just threw me away. woke up one day and realized he didn't love me anymore.

this is so, so hard. i can't stand it. he left me when i needed him most. i'm so empty and alone. i feel like half a person, because my whole heart and soul is now gone. i hate seeing him. i hate that my roomate and his roomate are in a great relationship that is constantly rubbed in my face. i hate that my roomate gets to go over their apartment all the time, and probably knows a lot of things about my ex. i hate that we don't talk anymore, i hate that he's now a stranger, and i hate the emptiness i feel in his absence. i hate the person that i am without him. most of all maybe, i hate that he is OK...that is is moving on with his life, full steam ahead, while i have to force myself just go get out of bed in the morning.

i know that life isn't supposed to be fair, that somewhere in this misery there is a lesson, and that the person i'm supposed to be with is out there somewhere. but this is just unbearable. i feel like the limits of my very being are being tested, and i'm not ready to rise to the occasion. it is just setback after setback, triggered by the smallest thing. the thought of him with another girl makes me want to vomit, yet i cannot get an image of him happy with another girl out of my head. i'm just so miserable.

please, please help me to get through this. how much more time am i going to hurt? my life has been turned upside down and completely altered. i feel like i'm nothing without him. please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:43pm


HI LIZZYGIRL1022

READING YOUR POST MAKES ME FEEL SAD!!! ITS HARD TO FORGET YOUR EXBF..ESP IF YOU GUYS GOES TO SCHOOL TOGETHER...I HATE THAT!!!! BUT LOOK LIKE YOU MENTION HE LOOKS OKAY...ARE'NT YOU GETTING HURT MORE SEEING THIS PERSON.. THE ONE THAT YOU LOVE, THAT MAKES YOUR WORLD STOP COZ HE BROKE UP WITH...WAS HAVING GOOD TIME!!!! I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT I HAVE TO!!! AS A FRIENDLY ADVISED.....I KNOW ITS HARD FOR YOU RIGHT NOW...BUT YOU DONT WANT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE WORTH LESS COZ OF THIS PERSON RIGHT!!! YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON AND SHOW HIM THAT!!!
TO BE HONEST WITH U GUYS ARE NOT SOFT HEARTED SOME OF THEM ARE MADE OF ROCK...THEY DONT SHOW EMOTION..THEY DONT LIKE DRAMA!!!....UNLESS YOU SHOW HIM THAT YOUR OKAY BELIEVED ME HE WILL START WONDERING WHAT UP WITH THAT!!! AND HE WILL START CALLING YOU AGAIN OR START TALKING TO YOU...OH MY GOD BELIEVE ME BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE..HE WILL CALL YOU....AND ITS UP TO YOU IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR AND TAKE THAT RISK...IF EVER BE STRONG, STRONGER THAN EVER...good luck!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:27pm
Hey Michael,
I must say it is so rare to hear of a guy going through what some many of us girls go through. I do sympathize because being hurt whether male or female is still the same but I was under the false impression that guys don't hurt like girls do. How wrong that is...Anyway, hang in there. As cliche as it sounds, it does get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:34pm

Dear Lizzy,

I haven't read all the reply posts to your message yet, but I want you to know you're not alone, and probably all us who have gone and are going through break-ups feel the way you do, and yes, it's excruciatingly painful!!! I've written journals and journals of my thoughts and feelings, and even though I knew my relationship was not going to last (circumstantial reasons), it still hurt deeply because I did love that man. I won't bother you with the details of my break-up but what you're feeling is, unfortunately, expected, because you did put your heart out there and love him. You did love and you're feeling the pain. That means you're alive. Feel proud of yourself that you were able to love, and you WILL be able to get over this. And this painful period will pass, just hang in there! Life is like a journey where you will pass valleys, mountains, deserts, forests, rivers etc... Some are beautiful and some are painful. The past 2 years were the beautiful ones and now your life has reached another turning point - the painful one. You can't escape it. You can't jump right out of it. You just have to walk through it. And I know it hurts deeply. I know you just wish you could either turn around and go back to the previous period or somehow jump right out of this one. But it won't happen that way. Allow yourself sometime to mourn, to grieve, to feel the pain, and then slowly recover from it. You're feeling this way because you have a genuine heart...

My heart is still on its way to healing, and all I can promise you is that it WILL get better! It might take some time and in the meantime, you'll experience ups and downs, and you'll feel worse more often than better, but eventually, you will feel better. Like you, I read a lot of self-help books and talked to my counselor. One of my favorite books is "Secret about Life Every Woman Should Know" by Barbara De Angelis. I know it has nothing to do with relationships but it helped me gain a more positive look on life and take some control over my feelings. I have the Audio CD version of it and I listened to it religiously, whenever I felt depressed. I think I have memorized all the words by now. For me, I can’t focus on reading when I feel down, so I have to turn to the audio version. Try it and see if it helps.

Last but not least, here’s a big hug to you!!! Hang in there! You’re in my thoughts tonight!

{{HUGS}}
-icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:41pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You WILL make it though. I agree with all of the other posters that seeing him is impeding your progress. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this. What happens when you see him? Do you acknowledge each other, or just pretend that the other doesn't exist? I'm sure it seems so contrary to what you are feeling, but sometimes just flashing a smile can be empowering (even if it's the last thing you want to do). It not only shows him that you have the capacity and strength to move on as well, it also may feel better for you in the end to know that your interaction didn't consist of him seeing you suffer while he's seemingly moving on. Obviously I can never completely understand your relationship or breakup, but I was just throwing something out there to try to shift the dynamic a bit and make those devastating run-ins a little more tolerable.

I completely understand how you are feeling though as I felt only a few months ago. I broke of things with my boyfriend of 6 years (who was also my college sweetheart, first everything and my best friend) because he was unsure of himself and the relationship. It's tough...and unfortunately it will be that way for a bit, but IT WILL GET BETTER. For me personally, it finally got better when I stopped trying to understand where things went wrong and how I fit into the picture. Fortunately (or unfortunately if you're looking for answers) this likely had nothing to do with you. He might be freaking out about college ending and what he will do in the real world, he might be insecure about settling down, he might be going through that 20 something restlessness that many guys go through where they don't know what they want in general. He may just be wrapping your relationship up in all of that, and decided that things would be less complicated or he could get more clarity going it alone. Who knows? I've talked to a lot of my guy friends about this phenomena, and they all confirmed that at some point between 20 and 26 (our current age) they got anxious and lost themselves a bit. They said that their priorities were skewed, they were anxious, and even if their dream girl was right in front of them, they wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship. I know that it hurts to think that you don't supercede whatever it is that he's feeling. It hurts to think that you're not more important to him. If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure that he does think of you and that you are important to him. Although he appears to be moving on just fine, it sounds like you spent two good years together and I'm sure that he has down time where he thinks about the relationship and misses you too. But the bottom line is that for whatever reason, he has made this decision.

If you can, you have to respect him for not leading you on and try to move on the best that you can. Another thing that helped me was to imagine things 5 years from now. How would you feel if you looked back on this time? In my case, I realized that 5 years from now there were two possible scenarios. Either I would have completely moved on, or we would be back together. Either way, I knew that I would look back and wish that I hadn't spent so much time letting the breakup rob me of my happiness. It's completely natural to grieve, and you should allow yourself to do so. But if you can, try to bring some joy into your life (even if it's small at first). College is a once in a lifetime experience. Once you are over this (and I promise that you will get over it eventually), you won't want to think back and realize that you spent your last semester just waiting for it to be over. I know it's hard though, so keep posting. We're all here for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:00am

Hi Lizzy,

I think you are so great for not calling him- even if you do see him around campus. That takes alot of willpower especially if his best friend is constantly in your room! You should be really proud of yourself for getting by this far- I know it seems like nothing but you knew to post to this board and you knew to get yourself some counseling and that is alot more than many others do for themselves. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years years ago and it was the most excrutiating time in my life. I was a senior in college and it was a very unhealthy relationship and it took me practically forever to finally leave him. I couldn't imagine my life without him and he was the one thing and only thing I knew in the world. I felt empty, lost, abandoned and the worst part was that he moved on almost immediately after our break up- with a girl that looked almost exactly like me! It was awful- and I was paralayzed. I couldn't eat, sleep, shower even. I thought I would never be okay again- I started posting to this board after I realized I didn't want to chew my friend's ears off anymore about my pain and love-sickness. It helped so much. That there are people like you around and everyone else that is supportive and understanding that heartbreak isn't easy and there is nothing wrong with reaching out to others in the same situation. That we are not the only ones in the world that can be consumed by heartbreak- and that this is normal and it IS temporary. You WILL forget about this guy. It may be in a couple of months and it may be after you graduate and you don't run into him anymore- but you'll realize how young you were then- and how much smarter you are now for it.

It's been two years since that relationship of 4 years. I've had two lovers since then, my last- not ending so well. I'm still in the mourning process of my last most recent guy- who since then i've seen with another woman. It hurts just as bad- but not nearly as bad as it did before. Heartache is definitly a phase- a phase that you will get better and better at as the time comes. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt any less- and I'm feeling all the pain and emptiness I felt all that time before- but this time around it isn't so bad. You will get over this- guaranteed. There is a swarm of others out there just waiting for you- and you probably don't see it now- but when you find that someone else you'll be so glad that you went through all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:18pm
Everyone,
I can't thank everyone enough for your kind, inspirational words and stories...They help me realize that I'm not alone, tho I feel like it a lot.
I have committed myself to not talking about this anymore in front of my roomates, so I'll definitely be reading/posting on this board more as the healing goes on. The breakup has caused every aspect of my life to fall apart, from my schoolwork to my friendships...My roomates are beyond sick of my negativity. I just wish my one roomate would see how much it hurts to have my X's best friend (her boyfriend) over here constantly. And how awful I feel knowing that she's over their apartment.
I'm trying to take it in stride, to not let it get me down TOO much...After all, I know it won't do me any good. I just still can't get past the fact that he is OK. There's nothing I can do about it, I know, and wishing misery on him isn't gonna make the healing any faster. He just left me at a time when I needed him most, and is going about his life just dandy without me. And here I am, lonely, hurt, and desperate, my life torn apart and empty without him. I'm going to try to be more positive...
Thanks again, everyone, for everything.
Liz
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:10pm
I have a class with an ex, too, and it is so painful. I was ignoring him for awhile, but it got too hard.
I

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