Getting your ex back...

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Registered: 05-08-2004
Getting your ex back...
13
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:47am
Hey all,

I came across a pretty insightful book at Barnes and Noble a couple of days ago that might help people on this list get over their ex or maybe win them back. The title is called "How to Get Your Lover Back" by Blase Harris MD. I'm currently reading it and instead of picking the pieces of my heart and trying to move on I'm now trying to evaluate my relationship with my ex gf and figure out if I made a mistake by causing this break up. It helps you think if there was a true "love-bond" between you all and if so it tells you how to take the appropriate steps to try and wind your ex back. I just thought I'd tell you all about it, who knows it might help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 12:31pm
Hm, those books. I read one. I even got my ex back, last year when we broke up the first time. Here's the thing those books neglect - the fact of the breakup itself. The fact that the love of your life decided to cut you out of his, to cast aside the emotions and intimacy and trust you developed together. Maybe I'm biased because I was married, but I don't think you give up on a long-term relationship until there is no other option. That means, if you love someone, you have repeatedly tried to work through the problem. You have actively sat down together and identified it, talked about it, and developed some sort of "action plan" for dealing with it. If it feels like it's too big to deal with alone, you've gotten counseling, or maybe you've read self-help books together. I only want to be in relationships with someone who thinks the same. If you have not tried to save your love, then there is a bigger problem than whatever it is that broke you up.

Some posters on here like to say that there just comes a point where one of you will realize the other isn't meeting your standards/values/expectations. In my experience, though, when you've been together for a while and know each other pretty well, the problem is usually uncommunicated *assumptions* about what someone's conduct reveals about their supposedly incompatible values. I remember reading on one of these boards about a woman whose fiance didn't tell her he loved her every night before they went to bed, and eventually she left him because of it. She assumed that the need to do this went without saying, that he was deliberately hurting her or just didn't love her if he didn't say it, and after she'd brought it up once she used every subsequent failure to say it as proof that he was callous and insensitive and didn't value her feelings. Rational? Hard to say, I guess. Point is, she looked at his behavior from a particular perspective and reached some conclusion about his underlying moral framework. But most behavior can be explained in more than one way, and there's always mitigating factors. Maybe he's busy at work, maybe he genuinely doesn't understand that this is a big deal, maybe he's being passive-aggressive because she's not meeting one of his important needs, maybe she's just nuts to make a big deal out of it. Anyway, my point is that you cannot assume that you know for a fact that what motivates a person's behavior is disregard for you, and it can be beneficial to get that person's input and/or the help of a third party before deciding to chuck a relationship in which you've invested considerable emotion, time, and effort, over your assumptions about what particular behavior reveals about your partner's values and/or your long-term compatibility. People who have been married for 50 years, they have had moments where they just couldn't stand each other, they have felt like they were drifting apart and then back together several times over the course of the relationship, there have been times they've been madly in love and times they're more or less indifferent to each other. That's what a committed relationship is like - to make it work, you have to understand that it is a long-term project, not a jackpot of eternal happiness. If you're partnered with someone who doesn't get that, if you both really did love each other deeply but he just doesn't understand that love is not a ticket to an endless lifetime of ecstasy, then you've got bigger problems to overcome than the breakup, you've got this guy's entire world view.

So, what about the people who run away without trying to work on it? Well, there's certainly an element of immaturity there, right, an expectation that if it was "meant to be," there would not be this problem, this conflict, this dissatisfaction with the relationship. But having been in a couple of very long-term relationships, I can say that in my experience, there are ups and downs, and I'm sure others have experienced the same. So deciding to check out because your relationship is not, at that time, a bed of roses, that's just demonstrating lack of maturity and an inability to weather transitory feelings. Sometimes people grow apart, love dies, whatever. That's not why people are here on this board, though, because both partners feel this happening, and usually they make lots of efforts to reverse it (joining clubs together, vacations, etc.). Most people are here because of an event, rather than a process, a single shocking loss or act of betrayal. When one of you is madly in love, but the relationship ends suddenly, the other half of the couple has either been actively deceiving you with their apparent love or is, in fact, deceiving himself by believing that this problem requires immediate flight without attempting resuscitation.

The point is that someone who handles problems and dissatisfaction by running the other way, well, that's not someone you'd want to spend a lifetime with, right? So, you get him back. What happens the next time something goes wrong, or he feels unhappy? It will happen again. Will you spend your life wooing him back from a series of breakups? Plus, if you're wooing him back, you're doing all the work, you're the only one trying to save the relationship. This will become a pattern if you get back together - he will rely on you to smooth things over, to make the relationship hum along, and you will be the designated "fixer." And, I will guarantee that at some point you will really start to resent that he doesn't fight for you, that fighting for the relationship is a role that only you play, and he can take it or leave it.

I was married for several years, to a guy I was with for years before that. We loved each, but grew apart. We married young, and didn't know when we married that we would come to want different things from life. But leaving, telling each other it was over, that was an enormous, last resort thing. You don't say those words lightly. There is a world of pain and betrayal in saying that you no longer want someone, that what you had is not that important to you anymore. That's why we're all here, right, wondering why, wondering how someone you gave your love and trust to could just toss you away, could tell you you're not worth the effort to even try to make it work. The problem with the strategy for getting your ex back is not whether it can be done, but whether it should be done. Because, honestly, do you really want back a person who could so casually cast you aside, who could run away without working on your problems, who could hurt you and then, one day, just change his mind and come back? I posted something about this before, but I really struggled after I'd "won back" my ex-bf, struggled with my self esteem, with an unbalanced power dynamic in the relationship, with just recognizing that I didn't understand him or how he thought or how he made decisions. I'm just saying, maybe you don't want back your ex. It's like that book and movie Pet Sematary, by Stephen King - sure, you can bring it back to life, but it will never be the same and do you actually want it shambling around? I got my ex back, and this time I left him. I think I made a mistake fighting to get him back. By the time the advice of those books finally worked, I was actually on my way to recovery, starting to see a nice guy, putting my heart back together. I should not have tried again with my ex. I can say from experience that it can be done, but probably should not be done. I regret it. You shouldn't just be analyzing whether there's anything about the relationship that's worth fighting for. You should be thinking long and hard about what it means that he broke up with you and how you will feel with that betrayal as a central part of your history together.




Edited 6/17/2004 12:36 pm ET ET by milton333

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 1:13pm
Does the book mention what happens if they just don't love you anymore? Or what happens if he's not ready to be in a serious relationship? What if has not too much to do with you and a lot to do with his immaturity? What does it say then? Books like that will probably only give you a false sense of hope. You're best bet is just like so many people have said on this board. Rely on yourself, not a book or the ex. You are the key to your own happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 3:08pm
how is it that you know everything milton :) this post really speaks to me, you expressed many of my own thoughts in a more articulate and coherent manner than i ever could.

why would you WANT to fight to get the other person back? when they didnt fight for you? when you werent worth that effort to them? great as my relationship was, as rewarding as it was, and as compatible as i may think this person is with me, there is still 1 huge gaping hole that he's falling through.

he's a quitter. i dont want a quitter in my life. despite how awesome he was, he was still able to dump me. and a good measure of the quality of a relationship is how you approach the bad times, how you fight, how you deal with the problems. do you say and do hurtful things or do you talk your stuff out maturely? do you allow your insecurities to get the best of you or do you give each other the benefit of the doubt? do you TRY when things are hard or do you give up? 2 out of 3 just aint good enough here, and my bf really let me down in the end.

i recognize that sometimes you have to throw in the towel and say "you know what, this isnt getting better". but that should be the last resort, and my ex's absolutely refusal to try, his all out "giving up" just because we're growing up and things are changing--thats what kills me. i'm loath to give up on people, especially people i love. some of my friends think im willing to put up with a lot of sh*t--and in a way thats true, because i dont believ ethere is such a thing as mr. right and the fairytale romance. im not afraid to weather the hardship, and when i really care about somebody i'll put up with a lot before i give up. i know firsthand how much people can grow up and change, but i also recognize thats a long process, and we are always works in progress. my ex will very likely outgrow this habit of running away--we're only 22 after all--but by the time he has, well who the hell knows where i'll be?

i often wonder how i'd react if he came back to me now--the first few weeks there was no question i'da taken him back. but i too believe, and many others dont look at things this way, but i too believe that relationships are hard, and that life is hard. running away is not the answer. i think that like yourself milton, my ex and i would never be able to recapture the magic. i'd always be insecure, a little less willing to trust, and things that never bothered me before would probably bother me this time.

and one day i'll meet the guy who wants to work it out. he may have all of the quazlities i loved aobut my ex and this ONE extra thing--he may be willing to try. i hope that the other ladies on this board are optimistic for themselves as well--im sure we all felt like ther was somethign worth saving with our exes. but he should want to do the saving as well. he should want to work on it. and if he's a quitter like my ex, thats a sh*tty quality to have and it will resurface in many situations. we all deserve to be fought for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 3:25pm
As I read your post I could not help but think- you are right. What hurts the most is that by and large this is an event not an evolution of trials and tribulations and that two people have worked so hard at trying to work things out, but somehow it just doesn't seem to work. This is an abrupt ending for no rational reason and it hurts like hell. It does feel like a betrayal of trust.

But I also think that you cannot walk in someone's footsteps. It is easy to see it from our own point of view- they left without warning- end of story. In some cases that is the end of the story- there was a lack of maturity or real love and the other person just wanted out.

In other cases I truly believe that there must be other things going on in their life that could cause them to behave in such a way. Why does someone who is usually so sensible and compassionate act completely irrational? No one who was truly in love falls in and out of love so quickly. What are the fears that are causing them to do this? They may not even know and therefore they have a difficult time explaining things to you. We are left with why will it not work?...but no answers. That is hard to deal with. Pushing them for an answer at this time will not help you get an answer- it will only make matters worse. If you love that person then accepting them for who they are even if that means accepting the pain they caused you and forgiving them for it - to me is a healthy sensible response. To be bitter is only going to cause me more pain.

As far as reconciling and wanting them back-- I honestly do not know the answer. This is such an individual response and depends so much on the relationship, how the break-up happened, what the history is and if you could trust that person again. I am not sure what I would do if B called and said he was sorry for causing me pain and that he wanted to work things out. I clearly do not know what happened or why. I was going through so much that it was difficult for me to see the forest for the trees. Am I hurt- of course. Do I still love him- yes. Would I trust him again- it depends. Do I value his friendship- yes.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:03pm
You know milton333's email spoke VOLUMES to me. I felt like you were describing my situation to a tee! And i don't think she was being judgemental, because the fact is there probably ARE reasons why they are running away, but I htink her point was that it is NOT our problem or responsibility and if they are in that situation emotionally, they need to deal with it and we need to move on and allow them to do so. This is one person's issues and although I agree that "to each his own" I feel like when the relationship has reached that stage, we must move on. We can try to help and be supportive, if he/she is open to it, but if they are completely closed off, then we have to step away.

Now thats not to say that they are bad people, they aren't. But they are not in a position to be committed to someone, anyone and that needs to be recognized.

To the person (not sure if it was you tb1004) who said that hopefully they will deal with inability to work things out...well my ex turns 40 this year, so at this stage in his life, I really don't know. I trully hope so for his sake, because he is a wonderful person who deserves to feel true happiness. I wish him well, but not with me. If a person cannot commit to themselves, they will never be trully able to commit to anyone else. Pure and simple. They may go through the motions, but it will never be 'true' and it will never last forever.

I also don't believe in the 'fairy tales' and KNOW that the things most worthwhile in life are those you work the hardest at. And i spent all my 20s working on who i was and getting strong emotionally and being happy. I never looked to a relationshpi to satisfy that. But many people do because it is easier to look outward. And when that person doesnt satisfy all your expectations...they just think "well, she couldnt be "the one"".

If thats the way they see life, ok. But it isnt real and will not lead to true happiness.

The thing is though, that those are lessons you HAVE to learn on your own, not by someone showing you the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:20pm
mel--i think you are right here. tb, its true that we may never understand why this person we love suddenly withdrew from us. who knows what hardships they have faced in their own lives, what internal struggles they were experiencing, what problems they were dealing with. i know my ex is a wonderful man who has a lot of self-discovery to do, and he made a decision that hurt me, but its not because he's a hurtful person.

its important to be compassionate but sometimes this can be a trap. its a challenge to empathize with somebody who's hurt you, have compassion for them, while at the same time maintaining your distance from them. oftentimes i've seen people with the "i can save him" complex, women who will feel sorry for their exes because their exes are emotionally troubled. they believe they can reach out and help them, help them address their issues and appreciate love and life more completely. in many ways, yes, having that other person in your life can inspire you, change you, help you become more comfortable with yourself and your own life. however, it is not your responsibility to solve your exes problems, to help him modify his world view. if he's unhappy with himself and his own life, that is a void inside of him that you cannot fill and you should not have to. like mel said, we all lessons to learn and sometimes we have to learn them the hard way, on our own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:50pm
Ya, its really difficult to let go of someone you love who is in trouble. Makes you feel heartless, but if they split up with you, you have to acknowledge that they are not open to change at that time. You can wish them well, hope that they are able to be whole in their next relaitonship, but there is really nothing you can do if they aren't willing.

I know the first time my ex and i came up to a large obstacle, he actually assumed we would break up because in his words he thought i would "tell him to f**k off for wasting my time". When i told him that isn't me, he said that in the end, everyone is like that. That should have been red flag #1. But I asked him if his feelings for me had changed, he said no and that it was him. I told him i would support him in anything he needed to do, but that he needed to DO somehting and if he needed a break from me that was ok. He said no to a breaku and started going to therapy, but was never really committed to it (2 monhts!) so in the end we wound up in the same place.

In this case it was important for me to let him know how I felt, post breakup. But that was it and i did it in a letter because it sinks in more for him that way, and because i could keep my distance. But you can't let them know how you feel and expect them to turn around suddenly and say what you want to hear. And at this point (one month) I know there is no way I could be wiht this person because my trust is gone and like milton333 said, I can't know that he won't have the same reaction to the next problem. Its not enough for me. I love him and always will in the sense that we had a very special time together, but I have to let go and 'wanting him back', well those feelings went away after I allowed myself to start mourning the end of the relationship and begin seeing things for what they are.

Its very difficult to not want to help someone, but there comes a time when we have to let them help themselves...if they want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 6:51pm
Yes, I guess what I'd say is that it actually is possible to deal with a lot of stress in one's life and still prioritize one's love relationship. I graduated from law school, divorced my husband (with all the attendant heartbreak, grief, and even hostility), took the bar exam, started a new career all in the first six months of my relationship with my ex, and got my first pre-cancerous PAP tests that evolved into many biopsies and ultimately surgery. Did I have a lot going on? Absolutely. Did I seometimes worry that this was not the time for my love relationship, that I couldn't give it my all, that there was just too much stress for me to deal with? Yep. Were there misunderstandings, tensions between us because of all this life stress? Yes, but we handled them. Because I recognized that I was completely in love with a wonderful man, and that I wanted our relationship to be strong and last forever, and would I do everything in my power to make that happen.

That's the difference. Lots of people have baggage, issues, difficult lives, who cares. The person who does not prioritize your relationship and want to make it work will never prioritize your relationship or make it work. If you get them back, it will be the same story. You can empathize with your ex to some extent, I guess, though I suspect most are cutting these folks way too much slack. But whether you feel sorry for your ex, you have to recognize that they do not have the mindset critical to lifelong commitment, and that is a resolve to not give up on your love unless that is the only remaining choice, the rational choice, not an impulse born out of dissatisfaction or fear. Of course people who run are immature, and that's sad, and I guess you can feel sorry for them, but why would you want them back?


Edited 6/17/2004 6:53 pm ET ET by milton333

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Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:46pm
i think part of what makes it very hard, at least in my experience and in the experiences of my friends, is that we see a lot of potential in our exes. we recognize how they are capable of deep, wonderful love, how they are great boyfriends and beautiful people. we feel like they dont HAVE to run, they CAN make it work, they just need to try a little bit and the problem will be solved. my big thing with my ex was that he never gave me a single reason not to love, trust, and cherish him. he deserved my effort, i believed in him not becuase i was stupidly blinded by love, but because he was amazing to me. i knwo he's capable of this, but you know what? he chose not to even try. if he tried, if we had taken a few months break and started up again and at THAT point it didnt work--i might have been able to accept it a lot easier.

but if there's one thing i've learned its that being in a relationship is a very specific skill, its not easy. there's a lot of challenges and once you overcome one obstacle you can be SURE you'll face another one sometime later. its just not enough to be kind, loving, caring, tender, and all of those things my ex was. yes, its true, a lot of people are too wrapped up in their crap to properly connect on an emotional level, and he was able to do that with me better than most people i've known. but even when you can be a giving, loving person, which is wonderful, you still have to be able to make a relationship work. potential is not enough, capability is not enough.

i dont know if i believe that if somebody doesnt value your relationship now he will never value your relationship, but i do believe these changes dont happen overnight. sometimes we think the men we love are going to have these epiphanies like bolts of lightning where they realize how amazing we are and come crawling back--things dont work like that. you dont suddenly "snap out" of being immature.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:04pm
I am not necessarily trying to be compassionate-- but I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I firmly believe that we all make our own choices and we have to live with them for better or worse. And if I got a call today I honestly do not know what I would say. I guess for me - I feel as though I now have a choice to make in how I handle the situation. I cannot change him but I can change how I react to the situation. We have had an incredible friendship for over 20 years...and I think getting involved while we both were still married was not the right decision-- clearly hindsight is 50-50. But it happened and I can't change it. We are both at various points now- he is recently divorced and I amjust getting there.

Now it is up to me to decide if I can and still want to be friends with this person. I am a realist and for me I know that the relationship is now very different. I have to figure out if I can be friends and then decide what I want to do. Friendship also is a 2-way street and how the friendship evolves will be dependent on the 2 of us. The kinds of closeness we shared will be different and the topics we can discuss will different and I have to be willing to accept that. But if I do love him then I think I should be willing to at least try to be friends. I know it will not be easy- but then nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I just need to be at the point when I don't want to be more than that-- in order to truly be his friend. Otherwise it will not work.

Does this make any sense to anyone?

tb

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