getting your stuff
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| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:39pm |
long story but we broke up.. and this was Thurs. I saw him Sat, and left w/ my head held up high but i haven't gotten my stuff
he has my passport, camera, clothes ,keys and something being delivered to his house that i ordered.
I have his keys and maybe a few other things.
HOW DO YOU get your stuff and when? I want to finalize this so he knows i have accepted what he told me..
I was thinking an email of some kind but also i dont want to contact him in anyway. I want him to kind of miss me and go through what i am, which i know he is.
so how long should i wait. til the weekend?
= and what happened is i am 38, he's 45.. w/ 2 kids. We talked abuot getting married having a baby together everything. We have been dating 14 mths and he kept telling me we were moving forward and most recently a week ago today that he was very very deeply committed tom e and serious so serious he;d ask me to move in w/ him. I said what move in? I am still on trial? I have proved myself. I am ready for your final commitment. I already play the role of wife and stepmom i am here all the time, granted he still courted me and took me on dates etc. but i was there every weekend helping him out.. what more proof did he need after 14 mths that i would be a good mother and wife?
so I said you know how i feel about living together- i want the ring the commitment. he said what's a ring.. then I said look we have been together almost a year and ahalf he corrected me and said just over a year. I said well I want to be married by next year and have a baby.. he said well I want to marry you but I am not REady right now. I asked him when he'd be ready. he wasn't sure, again girls he always told me we were on the same page. he was sure about a child when we first met and he'd be ok w/ a baby. then he became ambivalent about 6mths later after we fell in love. then i revisited it again a few mths ago and he said YES he'd have a baby w/ me.. I felt like we were on the same page and everything he did and said seemed we were.. but something I felt that he was starting to and going to drag his feet I was hoping for proposal at Christmas but my gut was telling me he was happy w/ w/ we had..part of it because he waited 7 yrs the last time and i was fearful he'd do the same w/ me. and i don't want that for myself. I feel we have made the steps to come to either go forward or make a decision to get counseling or end it. I didn't want to stagnate at this stage i wanted to move ahead.. take the steps necessary to get us there..
so we didn't really talk for a few days. HE came by on Thurs very unemotional and very clear and logical. and broke it off w/ me. he said he can't give me a baby, (his own fears, ) he doesn't WANT one and he was unfair to not tell me sooner.. I said why'd you say you could and you would. he did tell me when i always revisited the topic.. so then he said i was being selfish out of fear of losing you.. but i want you to be happy.. and it's not fair to YOU.. now he tells me a year later..
HE also said he didn't want to ignore the signs of our arguing lately (hello we 've been arguing for a reason and I said i was willing to work on that)and he missed that the last time w/ his ex. NO HE missed a lot of things w/ her. our r'ship is different yes we argue lately but that was workable.
anyways, i said ok i wont' talk you into this. etc. you know my feelings.
Then on Friday he asks me to go to a concert we had planned. I said no.. then he called again Friday and i did go for my own closure, I thought there was s door open and i had to take that chance
So we went, nothing happened. It was more like friends. We got to talk more, and both cry. He said I was the best thing EVER that came into his life and he will never find anyone like me but he can’t give me what I want.. He doesn’t want to have another child for fear of divorce, make another bad choice or for his own reasons of being too tired to work at being a parent again.. A lot of it is fear he had an EX that didn’t do anything when she had the baby, made him work hard. and then ended in divorece and now kids out a product of that. He knows I am nothing like her. He also is already thinking of fear, of divorce etc.. But I didn’t say anything. I said darn, this sucks.. etc etc.. then he brought up the arguing again. I said that is stemmed from all of this, and I was willing to work on those things.. We were sweet to eachother, cuddled and held eachother but nothing ELSE.. I left w/ my head up and moved on.. so this is where I am at.. he never refused to go to counseling but also never said he'd go.. but many times I brought how I go for myself and I knew they hadn’t let go of the past yet and has to heal still.. but he hasn’t done that. And now he has lost out.
so i need support now..

whoaaaa is this dejavu...
Sorry you have to go through the crap that men puts us through but I am also going through the same exact that your going through..my ex is 32 with 2 kids (and a reversable visectamy) and he lead me on and now its like i dont know this and i dont know that :( lead me on for 2 years and now im back to square one with a hertache...
All i can tell you is the same thing everyone else tells me TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS...keep your head up you did nothing wrong but love that man god will reward you with that love back
Sorry to hear your sadness. My ex of 10 months also broke up over the hypothetical kid I wanted to have in 2 years. At first he said he was ok with kids and then he said he wasn't ready. I said I'm not either, yet. But it didn't matter. He is too young. That I get. He said he wanted to be responsible.
In reality, he was cheating on me, to make a long story short. That's some kind of responsibility!
Anyhow, I e-mailed a message to my x 2 days after the breakup with the list of things I wanted and the things he could keep. He said he'd drop it by and I said pls leave it on the porch (aka I don't want to see you). He left it the next day. I mailed back all his stuff to his office since he wouldn't give me his street address, including the gifts he gave me, even though he said he didn't need anything back. I don't want him thinking I'm wearing his favorite boxers and the watch he gave me and crying while watching his family video.
I knew he would withhold one thing to get me to contact him again, and sure enough it was the $$ he owes me for a ski trip he said he'd go on. I'm just letting that go. He said he'd send it so if he doesn't, let it jack up his guilt even higher. I've heard from other folks this is a common ploy to keep back something to force contact. I'm not gonna bother.
That was the most effective method I've had for returning stuff. It helped that he complied, but I mailed back his stuff anyway the same day.
Message: Don't need you, don't want you, no drama. Just want my stuff.
Good luck...
Edited 10/16/2006 5:16 pm ET by devuchka
Many hugs coming your way.
gosh you make some great points and actually i just read an article about a divorced man and time tables etc. that it will take them more time to get their again. Please respond!
ok- here it goes
our arguments just started recently. this whole year has been great up until the last 2-3 mths. so figure a year w/ rarely any arguments, we communicated brought things to the table, somethings weren't always addressed but i also wanted to pick my battles.
to resolve them i was willing to do counseling.. but i think he figured we would figure them out he said he was trying.
The most recent argument happened just before this conversation i had w /him. I have been picking his kids up and watching them this past month or so becuase his sitter quit on us while we were on vacation, no notice nothing. He tells me he wants me, no nanny me. I told him honey as much as I love you and the kids I cannot do this fulltime. I will do it for a few weeks set my boundaries and we need to find someone. I also helped him find someone. and she is terrific.
I think during that time, I was feeling like a mom, wife and all the above and maybe resentment started to kick in where i was picking little fights.. which escalated.
I finally told him , and when i told him that he didn't understand and thats when i said, well you say you are moving this forward etc but i feel like i am playing this role already and he even told me that he thought of me as the kids mom already.. so i am thinking if that's the case when is he going to be ready
My fear also came in. he waited 7 yrs w/his ex and i got worried that could be me and also i was w/ a man for 4-5 yrs, and never got a proposal and yes i missed the signs he told me right up front he didn't see me in the long term picture.
this man never told me any of that . he told me we were moving forward, and on the same page everything
I said well when would you be ready< what would it take to be ready? he also said what is a ring. ? I said a deep level of commitment
he said well i am soo serious abuot you i'd have you move in now BUT i know you won't do that.. NO , Sandra he knew that all along. I often told him i would never live w/ someone before marriage. He knew that all along, along w/ the baby.
So then i said well maybe we aren't on the same page it sounds like i am 1000 pages ahead of you and he no we are on the same page, i want ot marry you but not now, not today.
look i was n't askign for that i was asking for us to plan things talk about things..
he figured there were no steps involved and i felt we would stagnate.. and i would continue to build resentment caring for his kids.
and yes my timeclock got me scared too..
the following day he called to talk, i couldn't see him. he seemed open to talk that day but again i couldn't see him as i had plans on that evening.. i called him back later and he wanted to know when to call me and i said whenever. when we spoke the following two days his attitude was different. so then two days later he avoided me he came by and said we do need to talk i 've been thinking and he then broke it off and very seriously gave his reasons . HE said he didn't want kids and what i said brought al ot of food to thought for him
i said i wasn't giving him an ultimatum i wanted to work on this, work on our arguments that i knew was stemming from our resentment
we cried our eyes out on SAT and i told him how much i felt about him and sorry that this talk went this way
he said he is very scared to bring another child into the world and go through a divorce again. He also had avery hard time w/ the last child and getting up every night w/ them and he knows how hard it was. (his ex made him be the one to get up everynight when she was home and he ahd to work) i had assured him months before that wouldn't happen w/me. yes there would be that occasional time but mostly if i was home I would take it on, and mymom ,nanny and his mom would be there. unlike her she had NOONE.
the trial i felt is that i proved myself in 14 mths to be the person i am, and i didn't feel like no livin together anything else at this point needed to prove anything more. he already saw how i loved his kids, treated him and his family. what more could i do? so i felt we should be serioulsy talking about proposing
he did say he wanted to grow old w/ me he also told me that day we cried how he never expected he would be saying all of this and that i was the best thing ever that happened to him.. and he won't find it again. he said he got scared the arguing , gave him a sign of the past and he doens't wnat to make another bad mistake (even tho, our rship was based on a lot more good than his past one )
I alwayw always told him i wasn't looking for a roomate, I wanted a lifepartner , and a family. I was very very clear.
and he was too told me the same numerous times.
Ok, maybe this is the last question: If this IS truly the man you love, does the man you love know how sad you feel about this, or were you more concerned with walking out with your back straight?
WE takled last Monday about all of this, Thurs he broke it off. Called me Friday and we talked, cried on SAT. i told him everything, how i didn't want this, but i couldn't convince him, I accepted what i brought to the r'ship and what he brought he agreed yes. takes two.
i told him that he is the best thing ever to happen to me to. and he was the one i wanted to be devoted to him and his kids.. we both cried.. he said he just is scared to make the wrong choice again and also doesn't want to put another child through divorce and he feels he is getting tired and can't be a full committed partner to be a father, he knows i'd need help and how rough it is and it'd be hard.. also the arguing lately last few mths bother him BUT in that same conversation when we were crying he also says i am the best thing that every came into his life? (how is that then?)
also that his mom loves me (she never liked the ex) and his sister liked me (she never liekd the ex) so i figured all these tests i passed NOW what??
so i guess i was ready to take that leap of faith and spend my life w/ him and know we were planning a mutual future together. I guess i needed a bit more reassurance
he asked me why? he said wasn't it enough I took you to GREECE bought you most recently a 2500 bracelet and also invited you into my home and family. Wasn't that enough to show you how commited i was to you? I said yes, but i guess i needed reassurance ..
all of sudden he got all this clarity on the baby thing tho? huh? this doesn't make sense?
everyone else said, and he included I asked why did he tell me he could do the baby thing and he said because i feared losing you and hurting you ...
Carrie
Hi rosema1...
Pianoguy hasn't read all the other responses yet...so if there's a 'repeat or two' present in his response...APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE!
Give the man a call and ask him when it's convenient for you to PICK UP YOUR STUFF. If Saturday or Sunday is available...set up a specific time to meet him! In the meantime, arrange to have a male or female friend or family member ACCOMPANY YOU!
This is good for 2 reasons.
The EX is less likely to create an uncomfortable scene in the presence of someone else. And you can make the process of 'retrieving what's yours' as quick as possible!
DO NOT....bring up the subject of marriage, the fact that you've played the role of 'stepmom', the 14-months you've been together, or anything related to promises that might have been made, but NEVER WERE KEPT!
Retrieving what is yours should be parallel to "cleaning out your desk" when you've decided to leave a job!
IT'S STRICTLY BUSINESS...WITH VERY LITTLE EMOTION!
If for any reason the man complicates the process, or prohibits you from getting whatever items that are rightfully yours...obtain the help of a police officer...who can issue a search warrant on your behalf! Hopefully, your EX won't make it necessary for you to do this?
Once you've exchanged your property and given him back his keys...don't say anything further. JUST LEAVE!
Pianoguy
Last one for the night, I'm emotionally drained ;)
....."actually i just read an article about a divorced man and time tables etc. that it will take them more time to get their again. Please respond!".....
wow you hit it right on. you are very insightful.. I have a lot of fears too but more worth taking risk for me depending on what it is. i was married once so yes i understand.
re: the pleasing and nitpicking stuff yes you hit the nail on the head. I do believe he was trying everything to please me and just threw up his arms.. couldn't do it anymore. and that i blame myself for.. i should have bene more his cheerleader than picking at everything , he is very much into pleasingme.. and did but up until a month ago i became edgier about it because was having my own issues of resentment and wanting a more solid plan. perhaps people around me getting engaged married and my own fears w/ wanting a baby.. and not that i want to marry HIM on my time clock but it's valid to have those fears
i agree i want the fairytale the romance i don't want to pressure a man to marry me either i guess i needed more and to him he gave me plenty of reassurance I guess i wasn't sold on his idea of having another baby..
i do feel i am throwing a good thing away trust me.
he called today and we had lunch it was very nice, no talks nothing but he bruoght it up how he misses me and wants to work it out ,but then the baby issue he states. I said would you be open to a third party and he said yes.. no questions about it
so we are going to see a counselor i have bene working with. he's ok w/ that if not we will change but i gave him a choice. she knows our history but i wnat him to be comfortable and if not we can choose someone else
so i held my own didn't call and he did finally call today.. i miss him dearly also but have pulled back into reality a bit myself and see where this take sus. I have to take a chance on us.. we were always committed to eachother..
and working on the r'ship thats why i was soo upset when he ended it unlike him.
again it's one step at a time
but yes fears of his are worse than mine twice bitten twice shy??