Give him his break

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Give him his break
11
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 8:22pm

Well everyone, this is it...not only did I get accused of being pushy to find out what time he will be home for dinner, its 8:15pm and I haven't received any call.

I dont know if he will call or not, he has to be the biggest you know what for not calling, either, i'm in traffic, i'm running behind, anything...he has a three hour ride, so I would think he would have the decency to call or even text right?

How do I handle this heartwrenching foolishness now girls? I am soooooo upset that he could be that inconsiderate. If he calls tonight, I am NOT NOT NOT answering, but if he calls tomorrow? What do I do? We have plans for tomorrow, but after disrepecting me like this, I dont know that I can go on, as a matter of fact, I cant. As much as I love this man, I will not tolerate his behavior.

1) Do i ignore his calls tonight and tomorrow? I dont want to be immature
2) I dont want to talk to him either, I am too upset, so I know I will be this big drama queen, and I dont want him feeling sorry for me.
3) I am going back to NC for good, or until he fights for me, but how do I handle it? I dont know if I can talk to him without crying or getting choked up.

I can text him and say...actually that is wrong too, I am not going to answer period, but tomorrow will be another story, I will be an emotional mess...what should I do? HELP!!
?Thankyou,

Louise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 8:37pm

ANOTHER BIG LESSON TO LEARN FROM ME...

HE IS IN FACT HOME, I WENT ON THE SITE WHERE HE PLAYS POKER, AND IT SAYS HE HAS BEEN ONLINE SINCE 6:40... SO NOT ONLY WAS HE HOME, HE NEVER CALLED, I GUESS THATS HIS IMMATURE, 37 YEAR OLD, BI-POLAR WAY OF SAYING HE DOES IN FACT WANT TO BE ON HIS BREAK, AND NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO ME...THAT MEANS HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, OR RESPECT ME.

OK, SORRY, I AM GONNA GO VOMIT NOW,

PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR FEELINGS ALL,

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!

LOUISE

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 8:43pm

I think the best thing for YOU would be to send him an email letting him know it's too painful for you to be in contact with him unless and until he decides he's ready to commit to you (but honestly, I don't think he's capable of that, given his mental state). That way, you're not waiting around for him to call you and you avoid getting emotional on the phone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:39pm

I am leaning toward that too, this way I can get it all out, he wont hear my crying or see my tears, I am scared though, It just sucks that he can be that way, I am in total shock, its almost like, well, she'll get the hint. So you think I should send him an email before he gets the opportunity to call? Or should I just blow it off for tonight, and maybe tomorrow I will be a bit open minded and email him then, I am just blown away by this behavior, I cant take it, he is done for sure, so I think I will send him an e-card, this way I get the notice back of when he received it. Thank you NWW, I feel like I am being the biggest pain in the a** to all of you, its probably sickening to you all too, its pretty simple what to do!
xo,

Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:43pm


Just be calm, and cool. Try not to think about him. Think about the million and one things you have to do, and which you have to worry about. He shouldn't figure anywhere.
If you want, let all your uncensored thoughts out in a journal. It will make you feel better. Keeping that resentment and hostility in, will negatively affect your health. So try to ultimately gain a larger, peaceful, positive perspective on what's going on...and try to detach yourself from this scenario, that's not working out.

I agree, he should have called you when he said he would. U could ask him about this next time you talk to him.

And when you do meet him next (it's really your choice), be ultra calm and cool.
And yes, let HIM plan the meeting, the time etc. Dont plan for him. That will again show your eagerness to get things going, and he might feel pushed. If you are busy at that time, let him know. U dont have to clear everything in your schedule to make time for him.

See, this is very simple. If he knows that you got worked up, he knows he has the controls. But when he sees you calm and cool, he will know it's you who is in control. So show that to him. Not to say that...you cant mention that he didn't call. Mention it calmly, and get it done with.

Wait for him to contact you I'd say.
As angry as you might feel, dont lash out at him. Dont get emotional. Dont prolong your calls or meetings. Keep them short. Stay detached for now.

U both know, that the situation between the two of you isnt NORMAL, then how can you expect him to behave normally? Look at it that way.

Dont fret. Once he sees that you are this easy-going, cool and calm girl that is living her life....he will pay attention. If he doesn't, it's not worth it anyway, right?

Relax, eat something, and have a goodnight's rest.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:55pm

You're not *being* a pain, you're *in* pain, and it's totally understandable.

Yes, I do think you should send him the email before he calls you...you need to stop being at his beck and call and allowing him to treat you like a doormat. You might draft it and sit on it for a few hours or even overnight (and just ignore his call if he does call tonight), but I think it's important for you to recognize that enough is enough, he's crossed your boundaries for the last time, and to communicate that to him (i.e., taking control), rather than waiting around for him to do something (giving HIM control).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 10:32pm

Ok, thank you ladies, I dont know what I would do without all the support I get here!

I sent the email, basically saying, i love you, and realize you have something going on in your head that is making you depressed, i know your new promotion has alot of pressure on you, but you will be fine, you always do make it.

I said, I am going to let you go, give you time to sort out what you feel and what you want in life, because I am done being in limbo with you, its too hard, and I dont deserve it...So I will let you know, if you decide or come to your senses, I will be here waiting for you, but not forever and I will be moving on, so I hope its not too late. I am not bitter, I take away with me great memories of a great love and I hope your life brings you all the happiness you need. I love you and I will miss you and Jordan too (his daughter)
Take care,
weezie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:46am

I can SO relate to your story...passive aggressive men...what a pain. "Come closer, come closer...no, no, that's too close." I'm in one of those myself, and am trying to emotionally "disengage" before I do any break up stuff. So, I'm a little passive aggressive myself!

I am trying to look at the situation objectively, instead of what my heart wants to see. Is this relationship REALLY satisfying? Are my needs really being met, or do I just WISH they were? Who is this man, really? If we break, would I honestly miss him, or just the fantasy of what could have been? Am I focusing only on the good stuff, and not seeing the whole picture?

Not sure if this helps you, but it can't hurt!

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:34am

Girlfriend,

The bottom line here, is WE have to put our children first, in my 10 days of NC, and since the kids r out of school, i played hard with them did everything, we bike rode for days, swam in our pool, went out to lunch, and breakfast everyday, and to see the happiness in my seven year old daughters eyes, to get 100% attention from her MOMMY was priceless and made me realize that my BF, my party animal friends and going out and drinking, raising hell and having fun is no where near rewarding as my children who happen to think I am the greatest thing that walks the earth. So that is where I have been, realizing that those two kids will love me, comfort me, pay alot of attention to me, never leave me hanging...wondering or confused.

I thank you for your advice, and my advice to you is put that bottle down, you have done it before, you can do it again...although drinking can be fun, but lets not forget that alcohol is a depressant..fun while you're doing it, but the morning after, UGH, total depression sets in, and that is what triggered me to call my EX this past weekend after a ten day NC. Hang in there mama, we can do it, too bad you live so far, we could hang out and be eachothers rocks, while our children play, lol...
Take care of YOU first, the man, the right man, will fall into place!
HUGS,
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:40am

I would SO love to have you just around the corner...we could trade kids back and forth all day, and tears and giggles all night...

Ah, well. We can be each other's cheerleader right here...

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:57pm
Oh hon Im sorry to hear your going through this, I too learned this lesson the hard way. This is our third breakup. To tell you the truth my ex the last time I went with no contact and started to move on "tried" to kill himself. The cops said more like an outcry then anything else is likely. I went back to him foolishly. Spent another year and 1/2 with him talling it up to four years and guess what?! Im back on this site with heart ache again. PLease stay awat from him. I know he is saying he needs his break. But if he really loved you that break wouldnt have lasted this long. He does care about you so I doubt the time that you spent with him that day was fake. But remember w/that same love he is able to walk away from you. I dont know how many times he has done this too you. But i doubt if you go back it will be last. If it was you he really wanted he be by yourside. He would have crumbled as you cried. LIke my man he did not. Because as much as he cares about you he is not "in love" with you deep down inside and he knows this. Im sorry if this comes harsh You just sound so much like me I dont want to see you get hurt anymore. Jobs situations and such are no excuse. If he was emotional attached to you He would need you at this time. I lost a baby with mine. And he is still able to walk away. I guess men are just different. I am so sorry

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