Give me Strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Give me Strength
7
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:32pm

I am searching for strength right now, and I just need a little bit more support in my life.

My boyfriend of 5 years dumped me about a month ago. It was actually a rather long, drawn out process. First he says that we'd take a six-week break of nothing but email contact so he could figure things out. About 2 weeks into that he told me that he just doesn't love me as much as he used to and that there is no chance that we can ever be together. Basically, he dumped me to go in search of a fairy tale. His parents love eachother, but aren't necessarily happy. He's so afraid of being in that kind of marriage that he decided that even though he loved me, he wasn't perfectly happy, so better not get committed. He doesn't understand that no relationship results in perfect happiness. So, anyway, he told me that I just need to get over him and move on.

5 days later he starts calling. Still wants me to be his best friend etc. Eventually he was calling me twice a day to complain about his life (he was sick) or just to chat or whatever. Then he got into a car accident over the weekend (he's fine) and called me immediately to pick him up at urgent care, take care of him etc. So, Monday I asked him why he kept calling. He didn't know. So I asked if anything had changed. Nope, he still didn't see a future with me. So, I told him that he needed to stop calling me, and just basically cut me out of his life completely because it was cruel to me (I felt like I was getting used). He agreed.

He called my cell phone both Monday night and Tuesday morning. I was able to ignore those calls, but when he called my work # I had to pick it up. I asked if it was an emergency, he said no, so I said that I was busy and hung up on him. I knew that it had to be done, but it was still hard. It's hard for me not to call him. I know that I need to let him go and move on with my life. I know that there has to be better out there. I know that I can't get sucked into his downward spiral while he searches for a fairy tale. I just need some words of strength and encouragement to get me through the hard times.

Thanks all.

Mel
"Sometimes a few bumps are better than a rut."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 5:00pm

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. I think you've been taking care of yourself. You know he's been messing around your feeling, but you had strength to tell him not to call you or bother you. He is the one needs to grow up.

I don't have any great advice to give you, but I just wanted to tell you that I was very proud of you.

Aloha

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 7:19pm

When you think of your past love, you may view
it as a failure. But when you find a new love,
you view the past as a teacher. In the game of
love, it doesn't really matter who won or who
lost. What is important is you know when to
hold on and when to let go.

You know you really love someone when you
want him or her to be happy. Even if their
happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best. If the person
you love doesn't love you back, dont be afraid
to love someone else again, for you'll never
know unless you give it a try.

You'll never love a person you love unless you
risk for love. Love strives in hurting. If you
don't get hurt, you don't learn h ow to love.
Love doesn't hurt all the time, though the
hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.

Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's
called falling in love because you don't force
yourself to fall. You just fall.

You cannot finish a book without closing its
chapters. If you want to go on, then you have
to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love
is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a
single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which
we are always learning, discovering and
growing. The greatest irony of love is letting
go when you need to hold on and holding on
when you need to let go. We lose someone
we love only when we are destined to find
someone else; one who can love us even
more than we can love ourselves.

On falling out of love, take some time to heal
and then get beckon the horse. But don't ever
make the same mistake of riding the same one
that threw you the first time. To love is to risk
rejection; to live is to risk dying, to hope is to
risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. To
reach for another is to risk involvement, to
expose your feelings is to expose your true
self. To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be
constant but not too persistent, share and
never be unfair, understand and try not to
demand, hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it
can carve wonderful images into the soul that
always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to
be the most wonderful feeling. It should
inspire you and give you joy and strength. But
sometimes the things that give you joy can also
hurt you in the end.

Loving people means giving them the freedom
who they choose to be and where they choose
to be. For all the heartaches and the tears, for
gloomy days and fruitless years, you should
give thanks for you know, that they were the
things that have helped you grow.

Loving someone means giving him the
freedom to find his way; whether it leads
towards you or away from you. Love is a
painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no
matter how scary or painful, for only then that
you'll experience the fullness of humanity and
that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with
desire, and tear you apart. Only love can make
you cry and only love knows why. If you're not
ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk,
if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're
not ready to fall in love. There was a time in
our lives when we became afraid to fall in love.
Because every time we do, we get hurt.

Then I figured... That's why it's called

FALLING IN LOVE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 12:56pm

Thanks Aloha, I appreciate your support. And you seem to have hit upon the one resounding refrain that comes out of this situation...my parents, my friends, his parents, his friends, and now perfect strangers, all agree that he needs to grow up. And granted, he is 23 (I'm 24) so that is most likely the case. I just wish that I didn't have to end up as relationship roadkill just so he can become a functional adult.

Thanks again for your kind words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 10:20am
hi mel,
wow, you are an ispiration. it's amazing that you need words of support/strength, but i believe that you are giving strength to many people including myself with your story. i know you're hurting still, and you probably don't feel strong, but that's why i wanted to share with you that you are an inspiration. to be able to do the "right" thing for you, and your healing, no matter how hard or painful it is, that truely is amazing. after 5 years, to be able to just say "don't call me", or to ignore his calls...wow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 10:46am

I ended a ten-year marriage a couple of years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. No one ever wants to break someone's heart and it probably took me two years and a long downward spiral to get to the point where I could end it. When it did end, it was pretty sudden, and I felt out of sorts. I'd spent ten years with this person and even though I didn't love him the way I should anymore, he had been my life for ten years and it felt very lonely without him. I tried hard to stay away from him or give him any signs he could get me back, but I talked to him when he called. I justified that I wanted to help him through the transition, but when he stopped calling I left him completely alone, figuring he knew he needed the space to heal and I owed him at least that much. Once he let go of me and stopped talking to me regularly he found someone else. You need this space and time to heal and as long as he's calling you, he's keeping hope alive in your heart (although I'm WAY impressed with how well you realize that -- you must have very high self-esteem). But I wrote all that to tell you that you're right. His calling doesn't mean he has changed his mind or is having doubts. His calling means he's insecure about being alone and you've become a habit, a comfortable part of his life, and he's having a hard time letting you go. You're like a big fluffy blanket that he always slept with. And you seem to know that you deserve better than to be someone's blanket. Good for you! With your confidence and strength, I have no doubt you'll find someone who knows you're the woman he can't live without. And probably pretty soon...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 2:01pm

Wow, I've never been called an inspiration before. Thank you so much. You have no idea how great that makes me feel. Everyone reaches that point where they know they have to be strong. And it is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to push an elephant up a hill during a hurricane. You're words give me that extra bit of encouragment I need to just keep pushing. And hang in there. I'm just a 24 year old kid, and if I can do it, you can do it...anyone can do it. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Let's all make really strong tea.

Thanks again.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 8:32am
you're welcome. i'm glad i was able to give you a little encouragement because you have definately inspired me, so thank you.